I'm applying to the service academies which require an essay to the senators and congressman from my state. This essay will get me a nomination to attend a service academy.
prompt: What motivates you to attend a service academy?
My father joined the military when he was eighteen, while most eighteen year olds attend college or enter the work force right after high school, since I grew up knowing of the great sacrifice my father made to protect our country and I always felt a calling to do just as my father had done. Entering my senior year in high school, I began my college search touring schools close to home. As I visited these colleges, I struggle with feeling like I belong there. Many of these colleges I visited decorated their tours with extras or perks of attending there, whether this is the tallest rock wall in the United States or a dining hall ranked number one in the nation. Some of these extras may push someone to think that this is where they want to spend the next four years.
However, I'm searching for a school that's going to challenge me to become a leader of my peers. I crave the truest form of challenge: educationally, mentally, and physically. At the service academies, I will have that sense of belonging. I'm motivated to continue my education at the service academies because of the opportunities offered through challenging and even more rewarding training. My thirst for challenge will be satisfied along with the opportunity to become a prestigious leader. I'm very motivated to continue my education at the academies; along with being in a sport while at the academies. Being a part of the track team at an academy motivates me to compete for a nomination. I enjoy running and to be able to compete in a sport and receive an education as I'm training to be a leader for the military motivates me. I was picked as a captain for my high school track team my junior and senior year. Being able to lead my peers as I was competing in my favorite sport was an experience I will forever hold onto. To have the opportunity to do that at a service academy would be treasured. I enjoy the sense of community and the greater goal of becoming a leader. Outside of the academies, those that attend college have the goal of getting that degree.
At the academies, cadets will not only be receiving a degree, but a career with the military and the most prestigious education given to a student as they prepare for their journey with the military. I want to attend an academy because I belong there. I want challenge and an education that will prepare me for the leadership roles I will serve. The service academies offer the greatest and most honorable perk, being able to protect and serve the beautiful land with which we call home. I have excelled as a leader in high school activities, as well as a varsity sport captain. To attend a service academy would be a treasured experience; I will be able to apply all of my knowledge and leadership skills acquired while attending an academy. I'm very motivated to become a great candidate and serve with honor.
Hai Emma! Nice to see you in essay forum. Here is my little feedback.
I began my college searching touring ...
As I visited these colleges, I struggled with feeling ...
However, I'm searching for a school
that's going to challenge that can build me to become ...
I crave the truest form of challenge: [...] along with being in a sport while at the academies. --> (This paragraph is quite confusing, maybe you can simplify it.)
... for my high school track team in my junior and senior year.
I think you should write a main idea in each paragraph in order to make it coherently.