Ok so Ive been out of the college admission essay writting for a bit...I need help. Please feel free to chop it to pieces! Any and all advice is appreciated and welcomed. Thank you and have a great day!
Describe your background and interests. Explain why you wish to pursue the degree for which you are applying and what you hope to accomplish in this degree program. (1 - 2 pages)
Looking in the mirror, I ponder who is the woman starring back at me? Where is the child of yesterday? My nimble fingers trace the lines embedded within my face, as if they were roads upon a map. Every detour in life's journey now more evident, as I look towards my future. Time hasn't been wasted, having been around the world six times, seen more than forty countries and almost every set of islands. Each an experience, but like all things they had their price. Non sibi sed partiae (not for self but for country), is more than the Navy's adopted motto. It is a integral part of the package. One I accepted as a child, taking me into adulthood. Over the course of the past nine years I have always put the Navy and its needs first, no matter the cost. I am currently deployed in the Middle East, in support of OIF/OEF. When you are close enough to feel the tremors of a mortar attack, it puts things in a new perspective. The first time the fear ate me alive, the smoke blistered my nostrils, and tears overcame me. The realization that I have completed only a fraction of my life's goals sat unsteadily in my stomach. I swore to myself "if I ever get out of here alive, I will complete my degree. Put to use the potential God gave me." Now as my mission is coming to an end, it is time to put myself first. I will be forever grateful for the life lessons, the structure, and the doors the Navy opened. To be a part of something bigger than myself, this is not something I take for granted. My passion has always been International Affairs. Seeing the world beyond a globe, taking it in and becoming a part of it. With a degree in International Business I plan to pursue a career in Contracts Administration/Negotiation. Working as a Customs Agent I have learned a great deal, regarding compliance of import and export laws. I look forward to attending St. Edwards as they are renowned as having the best International Business program in Austin, in addition to offering the opportunity to study abroad. In my past experiences as a Executive Recruiter, St. Edwards was always the preferred school of choice among Austin employers. The way you have structured the format of classes within New College is exactly what I am looking for. I believe my past will prove to be an asset in classroom lectures among my peers.
I enjoyed this more than I thought I would. The opening lines were unexpected, and I wasn't sure where you were going. Also, the present tense was a little disconcerting.
BUT, you managed to pull it off. The opening led beautifully into the rest of the paper, and it all fit together very well.
You need to develop a paragraph structure for this, though. And I don't think it's long enough yet.
Explain why you wish to pursue the degree for which you are applying and what you hope to accomplish in this degree program. (1 - 2 pages)
^You do not address this very important part of the question.
Also, whilst you do shed some light on your background, there is no discussion on your interests.
I suggest starting over by addressing the essay prompt.
Hi... I hope I can help.
I would structure the essay different. Think about beginning with the program you are applying to and the university, why it is that you want to go there? What would you like to do in the future? Then speak about your experiences abroad and flesh out your love of International affairs. Also, think about how this program will help you reach your goals.
The essay is very short, do not be afraid of writing too much. You can always trim it back.
My passion has always been International Affairs..
This is a good start but it needs a lot more... Based on this I do not understand the relationship between IA and IB and working for customs.
You have a lot to think about.
:)
