Hello!
I finished my essay and I am wondering if the logical structure of this essay is understandable. Any other corrections would be welcome, too.
I also have a question about the admissions essay format: Because we upload the document, should the paper be in MLA format? Do I need my name on the top of each page? And should I include the prompt in my paper or no?
Sorry for asking so many questions about formatting, but I do not want to risk my chances to a college due to a formatting error.
Thanks so much for helping me!
Eugeniette
Common App Essay Prompt: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.
The threshold of the apartment lobby cages me from the dark North Dakotan morning as I stare at the barren street lit by a sign blinking the weather: -28 ̊ F. After living for two years in North Dakota, I have met an impish friend, and when He whistles with a low "Psssst!" sound for me to step out of the glass door that separates us, I oblige with an excuse to walk to the detached garage.
Little snowflake darts strike at my face when I swing the door open to greet Him, but He plunges into the darkness before I get the chance. My feet long to go back into the warm, familiar inside as I follow down the dark, icy path. In the distance, I hear a husky laugh. Then, in this moment of brevity, the tension is released; I laugh along with Him. I can stand my own against any dark path!
When the news reached me that I was to move to Ohio for my junior year, I trembled at the uncertain path ahead of me. A girl coming from an unknown, isolated state was to join a large city that was doted by opportunities. Would I make friends, and what if I did not fit in? Nevertheless, I learned to laugh at uncertainty, daring myself to pluck opportunities from the plethora available to me in Ohio. I joined the Debate Team, the ZooTeen program, and the Obama campaign.
Then the garage comes into sight, but He is as elusive as the Cheshire cat and more mischievous than Tom Sawyer. He needlessly complicates me with a pile of snow to shovel before I can pull the car out of the garage. Grabbing a shovel, I grit my teeth to work little by little against this challenge. The hard work rewards me with a cleared path and warmth.
In North Dakota, I worked on a National History Day documentary about women homesteaders in the Midwest. Often, I poured over books and pictures at the Bismarck Historical Society, gathering little by little information for my research. Finding information obscured by decades of history was a challenge that needed many discussions and interviews with professors at the local university, but the opportunity to go to Nationals was worth all the hard work.
Next, I insert the car key and a low rumble fills the air. I hear Him nearby, playing with a piece of paper, flapping it up and down to synchronize with the music of the idling car. In the mirror, I see where we rubbed noses, a bright red area. When I run my hand through my hair, I marvel at the gift of nature that He has bestowed me: strands of sparkling ice strung through my hair.
North Dakota is beautiful, but it is also rough, spacious, and wild. On an optional Enrichment field trip, I joined a group to watch grouse perform their courtship dances. In our observation shed, the air was still, caught in a breathless excitement as we watched the rapid patter of feet in the synchronized dance. In Ohio, I only smile at the enlightened Ohio socialite who gives me her pity when she hears that I am from North Dakota: "You poor thing!" No tickets in the world could have bought the performances of nature that I have marveled at.
His presence in my two years in North Dakota has shaped and molded my character into one that I tout today. The friend to whom I refer to is the mighty风神 (Feng Shen), the Chinese God of Wind.
I think you've got a good idea for this essay, but I find it a bit disorganized. The story you tell is a very nice one, and it explains the character you chose very well. What I think the piece is missing, is a stronger example of how he has had an impact on your life overall. I'm not sure exactly how the grouse trip fits in, so you could probably take the italicized paragraph out and fill that space with a more precise, stronger paragraph that describes how he has influenced your life. You can stay with this example, but it needs to be strengthened.
The conclusion also seems a bit abrupt; perhaps with the other changes it will fit more appropriately or you can soften it a bit along the way.
As far as the MLA format, it will not show up here because of the upload. If you are strictly adhering to the MLA format, your name and page number should appear in the upper right hand corner, and unless it specifies the prompt should not be included, I would include it.
I hope this helps.
Thank you for you suggestions! I'm not sure why the last paragraph is italicized; I only wanted to italicize the "Feng Shen" part of the paragraph and the entire thing became italicized.
With the commonapp, this essay would be uploaded as a word document, so I was wondering about the format of that document since no specifications were given. I think I'll just upload it in MLA format because that's relatively safe.
I will work on this! :)
Eugeniette
