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Northwestern Supplement Seeking the Relationships Between the Outerworld Help


srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 27, 2009   #1
Hey. so here is my northwestern supplement. I am a little worried it doesnt make sense. The ending is a little similar to my J-Hop one, but only one or two lines. You may have to at least just skim my common app essay to understand the beginning of this one, but i doubt it. Anyway, three main concerns. 1. Length, 769 words, how can i shorten it. 2. Is it too abstract and flowery, does it make sense. 3. Does it show a passion towards northwestern

I was stunned. The natural beauty, the awe, the vividness of the surroundings, the spontaneous magnification in the focus in my eyes from what I had seen looking out of a dorm window in Northwestern was surreal. Never could I ever imagine such a view from a college dorm, especially in a region known for its dreary, blusterous winters. Even October could be unforgiving. But that gaze into elegance allowed me the rare chance to dwell on what I am so often oblivious to. For the first time in my life, I didn't see external beauty as superficial. I had spent my whole life disparaging natural beauty; even my trips to the Canadian Rockies had been lackluster. I had begun to slowly accept nature, but never did I think it would create an inner revolution within me. Something, maybe the idea of having that beauty always a window blind away, changed me. However, appreciating these external appearances is still new to me. Establishing a deeper, profound understanding of them is one of my own personal challenges, one of my ways of indulging my own curiosity which Northwestern provides a rare outlet for. Maybe there is nothing more to find, maybe nature's beauty is a simple purity. Maybe even the awe of that beauty ceases as quickly as it formed. But to stop now? Not after opening that window, that window of possibilities.

However, beauty itself was not enough; I needed a known, and something I could relate to. The networks on the individual level were precisely what I sought. This is the known I could come back to. This is the force that will always guide me. The University Career Services immediately struck as a powerful resource. This is hardly one of those common strange, out of touch places which the student can't relate to, rather the tremendous faculty assistance along with the diverse opportunities in class courses available at Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences make Northwestern the rare institution where I can create my own education.

However, the student supported organizations are most exciting. The Biology Students Association provides all kinds of opportunities to relay my passions toward the subject with fellow students and together create opportunities that can extend far beyond our time at Northwestern and for future classes. But it's the Premedical Society that really will help me focus my interests toward medicine, as broad as they are, by allowing me to start my understanding of medical school at the age of 19 as oppose to 23. This opportunity to get a feel for the nature of medicine is further enhanced in the chemistry council, where a unique perspective of organic chemistry and rare chances to do chemical research to complement my biological research lie. The enamoring opportunities to attend prestigious lectures will only add an extra dimension to my studies. The chemistry aspect in medicine is so overlooked when discussing the nuances of biology, but Northwestern is a place where the chemical aspect of medicine will not overwhelm me. The great opportunities to do research, even if I decide to pursue other biological sciences, ensures that I can further enhance my understanding of empirical science from freshmen year, allowing for a much greater comprehensive understanding with far more opportunities. Regardless of what I choose, I won't be in the majority looking at chemistry as the "dirty work" en route to more glamorous work in biology. Chemistry will be the outlet to a greater biology. Once again, I can create my own education.

That window provides me a sense of hope with the unknown of beauty lurking in the shadows of the campus. The chance to see how this enhances all aspects of my life gives Northwestern such unique and unfathomable potential. But it's the stability provided by Northwestern that makes me so secure. This is what satisfies me: I can look out that window knowing I can create my own voice in education at Northwestern.
tkkt1 11 / 47  
Dec 27, 2009   #2
I have become far more resistant to seek relationships with the rest of the world. My lab work experience has carried over. I even approach relationships with people with some hesitation. While that hesitation hasn't fully gone, I have been reminded of their prominence, both through beauty and with other people.

---What are you trying to say in this paragraph? I think I know what you're hinting at, but it would be much better to just describe the influence that lab experience has had on your social outlook.

---Also, who are they? Not clear on what you're talking about.

* Discuss more about the academics of Northwestern and how it appeals to you. The view of the school should be one of your points but not the main one. Be specific about your major and what NW has to offer in helping you achieve your dream. Show that you have passion and knowledge. Good luck!

Return the favor and read my essay please
OP srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 27, 2009   #3
thanks tkk1, the only problem is my commmon app was about my lab experience, how mcuh can i really write about it? I dont want that coming across as the only thing about me, it is important, but there are other things. I just don't want to have another essay focused on how my lab experiences changed me, know what i mean? I see your point about focusing more on the academics, would it just work if i give a diff perspective to those programs, maybe make them sound like things that would help me academically instead of socially? Is the helping me in the future idea good, i wanted to keep it, it was something that stuck out about NW? thanks any comments greatly appreciated.
OP srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 27, 2009   #4
im having trouble figuring out what to do w/ the whole first para, is it needed, or is it not, because i do talk alot about the lab ex. and all that good stuff in my common app so i dont want to overemphasize it here also? Also, how should i talk more about academics, it seems like i have some stuff but if i portray it in a more academic way woudl that work? Thanks alot
OP srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 27, 2009   #5
bump.... i am stuck, i dont know how to change this or what to emphasize or if i should even go w/ the beauty thing, and if i change that, i woudl have to change hte focus and thesis of my essay to some extent. Any thoughts, i'll def. read anybodys essay if you send me the link returning the favor. Thanks alot
seattlelite 1 / 2  
Dec 27, 2009   #6
You have a strong introduction, I like how descriptive you are about Northwestern's beauty. However, I think you could definitely work on strengthening your second paragraph, providing more specific details.

I'm also working on Northwestern's supplement--could you take a look at my essay and tell me what you think?
OP srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 27, 2009   #7
thanks alot wow, i completely forgot to show the second part of the essay:) Wow, enough said, anyway heres the second part, im really sorry for making you read that abreviated part that probably didnt make any sense. Tell me what you feel here, any comments greatly appreciated i will take a look at yours now seatlelite, thanks alot
spacerelay 3 / 19  
Dec 28, 2009   #8
You have a natural ability for description. Its really good and it would hurt to cut anything out. Though I feel you could cut down on the second to last paragraph.

I am also in need for help: (check my profile)
OP srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 28, 2009   #9
Hey so I edited my northwestern supp a little, its still 715 words, anything you can do to edit it and take words out unecessary would be great. Three things 1. Does the beauty idea seem powerful and relevant. 2. IS there a passion for attending the school 3. Does the ending, the last two lines especially sound really cheesy and should I cut them out? Any comments greatly appreciated, the deadline is coming really soon so I really hope to get some responses, if you could check out my Penn Thread that would be fab. Thanks alot, good luck everyone
OP srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 28, 2009   #10
bump.... i know we're all really busy and there are lots of essays on the website, but any comments would be greatly appreciated, i will gladly return the favor and read your essay back, just any kind of comments would be a big help. Thanks alot, good luck.
gynn92 3 / 30  
Dec 29, 2009   #11
Hello there =]

And I thought my Why NU essay was long. Haha, just kidding.

Your beauty idea is very descriptive and captivating. It shows how you are passionate about NU, but I felt like you focused too much with describing the definition of beauty in the first paragraph. Try to find more of NU's characteristics that appeal to you and connect it with your definition of beauty.

Your passion is lucidly shown throughout the essay. I like your fourth paragraph. It shows your interest.

I think the last two sentences are fine. It's cheesy but funny. I think it's better than having a dull end.

Anyways, I liked your essay. Will you take a look at mine? Ugh, don't you wish NU's deadline was on the 15th instead of 1st? :(
OP srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 29, 2009   #12
thanks gynn92, appreciate it, the only problem is your link is giving my computer serious problems, even when i go around it and try to click on your name and click on your essay, some kind of virus comes up, could you just copy and paste it on to this thread. Thanks alot

Anyway, any other thoughts, espec. w/ the opening and closing, is the closing too artificial, if it doesnt sound genuine its the type of thing that can really bring an essay down in an adcoms mind and the deadline is 2 days away, any thoughts greatly appreciated, ill return the favor, try copying your essay onto this thread though because there might be something w/ my computer.

Thanks alot good luck
yay12 - / 3  
Dec 29, 2009   #13
i like your essay a lot. you write very eloquently!

medical school at the age of 19 as oppose to 23

as opposed to...

How badly? I hope I never find out.

this ending keeps the reader's attention, but i feel it's kind of cheesy-ish. if you have the time, you should change it. it's not bad, just... idk...

can you look at my uchicago essay? kind of rough...
OP srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 30, 2009   #14
thanks alot yay12, i couldnt find your essay though, could you just cut and copy it on to this thread if you want me to look at it? Thanks, any other comments, anything you guys have greatly appreciated, deadlines really coming up, thanks alot, good luck
jpg_76 3 / 18  
Dec 30, 2009   #15
just some minor corrections

But that look, gave me the rare opportunity to relate to the rest of the world and its beauty which I am so often oblivious to. For the first time in my life, I didn't see external beauty as superficial. I had spent my whole life disparaging natural beauty

kinda redundant

This is hardly one of those unordinary places which the student can't relate to,

uhm...in unordinary a word?

However, what most excited me

do you want to start with however again?
maybe what excites me most sounds better?


opportunities that allow us to create our own opportunities.

repetitive

for me the chemistry part kinda interrupts your emphasis of beauty and relationships

1. yes; beauty idea is relevant (just out of curiosity what is this beauty that appeals to you?)
2. there is passion
3. i think you're ending is okay, cheesy yea but...maybe end it with a last correlation to the window? idk

your beginning though was kinda boring, maybe you can start with the second paragraph and incorporate the first with the second

these are just suggestions

can you critique mine. please?

thanks! and good luck! =]
OP srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 30, 2009   #16
Thanks Jagpal, i agree w/ totally on the intro, its just that for hte chem part, i was done w/ the beauty idea and i had to give something specific to the school in terms of academics, and chem was a good area, i will try tying that intro stanza into the conlcusion and get rid of that cheezy ending line. I will take a look at yours, just give me a little time, thanks alot, good luck.

btw, the beauty is just kind of something i sensed, it is hard to describe any more than i did because it is vague and kidn of something in mind, theres nothing abstract like to help describe or quantify it, sorry, but it was just that sense i got, hope that helps if you were interested.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 1, 2010   #17
Some of this material would be better if you revised for conciseness. For example:
But to stop now, after opening ? Not after opening that window, that window of possibilities?

Sometimes, if you say the same thing in fewer words, it is more powerful.

I think your interests are already 'focused toward' medicine: But it's the Premedical Society that really will help me focus my interests toward medicine, as broad as they are, by allowing me to start my understanding of medical school at the age of 19 as oppose to 23.

Maybe you can say something specific about the atmosphere you will enjoy in this program that will... not focus your interests, but rather... prime your mind for med school. It will establish for you a mindset focused on medicine.

:-)


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