Prompt: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
I signed up for Leisure Life to return a favor to the disadvantaged. Facing reality, it is only a matter of time before I will undergo once more their permanent condition through one form or another. I have already encountered it once when I was a helpless infant, and I will face it again in the days to come whether I like it or not. From being an infant, sick, broken (spiritually, mentally, and physically), and aged, a time will indeed come when I too will be simply labeled - a human with special needs. The class reminded me of a time when I was labeled E.L.D. (ENGLISH LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT) Student for five years, the feelings I obtained were related to embarrassment and dishonor. I could not believe I was segregated from the rest of my peers, just because English was not my first language. However, years progressed, and I gained academic momentum and was removed from the special program by the fifth grade. Today I have managed to be a top English student in my school; I could not have reached this position if I did not feel the courage to strive forward just like my friends labeled disabled, push forward to survive every year. Only when an individual is tagged, empathy will wander. To think of them as helpless is naive for they too have a destiny as everyone else. Seeing their happiness marked by their faces, energy, and motivation is the best gift I could have possibly received in this world that is not contaminated by business and profit. Perhaps these individuals were sent by God to test humanity on how well it works with the weak. Serving the forgotten in this era was eye-opening and filled with internal happiness. Undergoing a severe operation when I was five, and breaking my left elbow three times, I believe I have gotten a brief taste of how my friends in classroom 648 feel daily. It is only during hardships when I discovered who really cared and changed perspective, separating family from people, realizing that friends do not exist. It was only then when I could accept my failures and sincerely repent, hence money all of a sudden loses its precious value. Perhaps these memorable times are despised and pitied upon, but what if they really just marked the beginning of my golden age? It represents a time of self-reflection and a humbling life lesson that penetrates the soul and cries out for a blossoming transformation. Many will insist that taking care of others is simple or not their responsibility, but it is only when a person is involved in a life other than their own and of those close to them, that individuals can clear their minds of pride and arrogance and see that they too would be physically helpless in the last phase of their life, even if it is for a brief second, for one does not leave this earth without paying the accumulating fee that everyone is responsible for.
Please may I get feedback of all forms...grammar, structure, content..etc.
Hi Anthony
Here are my suggestions:
Facing reality, it is only a matter of time before I will undergo once more their permanent condition through one form or another.
What do you mean by permanent condition here? I am not able to understand this line.
Today I have managed to be a top English student in my school; I could not have reached this position if I did not feel the courage to strive forward just like my friends labeled disabled, push forward to survive every year.
Seeing their happiness marked by their faces, energy, and motivation is the best gift I could have possibly received in this world that is not contaminated by business and profit
Contaminated by business or profit???I would say you should be more focused on what you felt/accomplished and not to put unnecessarily extra words of negative emotion. For example: you could have said this line in this way: Seeing their happiness marked by their faces, energy, and motivation is the best gift I could have possibly received in this world. That's it. That's what I think. Hope this helps. Good luck:)
Anthony, while you have presented a very informative essay, it does not respond to the prompt properly. I would suggest that you change your prompt to the following instead:
Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
If you review the essay that you have written, you will notice that the story that you related better delivers a response to the above prompt rather than the :
accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
Passing your English language classes does not signify the proper transition from childhood to adulthood in your culture, community, or family. These are normally rights of passage that are done through generations and signify the passing of more responsibility, trust, or acknowlegement of your equality with the adults in the community. Your current essay does not deliver any of those factors and therefore, cannot be considered the proper response to the prompt.
However, you do not have to write a new essay that is more prompt responsive. You can just opt to switch prompts in order to save yourself the bother of having to write a new essay. I normally suggest that students do this when I can see, and it is quite obvious, that there are other common app prompts that the essay can better fit into. I hope you consider this suggestion as well :-)
I'm confused about how Leisure Life ties into E.L.D. which ties into undergoing an operation when you were five and breaking your elbow. You have lots of good possible topics, and you should maybe more focus on one instead of trying to touch base with each.
"The class reminded me of a time when I was labeled E.L.D. (ENGLISH LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT) Student for five years, the feelings I obtained were related to embarrassment and dishonor"
Add "an" or "as an" before E.L.D., also, is capitalization of English Language Development necessary?
Should Student be capitalized?
Also, "feelings I obtained" - change wording. Obtained seems like a strange word to use in that context.
"segregated from the rest of mypeers, justbecause English was not my first language" - doesn't need comma before just
"in this world that is not contaminated by business and profit" - ?? Does that part have to be included? It's a little confusing w/ the context
"separating family from people, realizing that friends do not exist." - You spoke about your friends in the sentence right before, and didn't mention your family before, so this is a little contradictory.
"hence money all of a sudden loses its precious value" - again, you didn't mention money in the essay before this. How does the rest of your essay tie into money?
After reading the essay, I still don't understand what Leisure Life is, and I still want more details of how everything is connected. Money, friends, family, your operation, your classes - focus on one event, the one that's most important/relevant to you, and develop it.
