Hi everybody, I would greatly appreciate any feedback on this essay, such as your impressions of me if you were an admissions officer, or any grammar mistakes too.
Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
My face violently contorted as I seemingly succumbed to death and rolled over in my grave right then and there. $5000 instantly vanished from our family's pocket when Dad made the announcement: "Today I have donated $5000 to the Rio Hondo College Foundation."
It was Dad's 50th birthday in 2004 and more than 150 guests came over to our house party. I still vividly remember the liveliness of the guests, and all the drinks and food everywhere inside the house and out in the backyard, but no memory stands out clearer than when Dad announced that he donated $5000 to a community college foundation. I thought to myself, "how could he just hand over $5000 without even a second thought?! It's his own birthday too, and he's the one giving a gift! He must be drunk already!" Quickly following his announcement, I urgently tugged Dad aside and simply blurted out "Why?!"
He kneeled down to me, smiled, and said, "It's all about giving back." In that moment, Dad had left me perplexed as he returned to entertain his guests.
At the time, the concept of "giving back" was non-existent to me. I was too young and had not had enough life experience to understand his proverb. Six years later, though not completely, I now understand more of what it means to "give back." Dad came to America in 1983 as a young journalist in search of opportunity. I will never know if he was slightly drunk at the time he made his decision, but I believe he wanted to repay all the success and happiness that he had been able to achieve. For him, it was simply one of many chances he took to give back to the community that had given him so much.
Could this quite possibly be the meaning of life? To simply continue the cycle of giving and taking? Reflecting back on my young life, I am inclined to believe that it is. My family, my friends, my school, my community, my country, and the world continually bestow upon me the gift of life: chances at and moments of happiness and success. Now six years removed from Dad's 50th birthday, my life's major goal has finally come to fruition: to return this gift of life to those who have shared it with me, and at the same time prepare it for future generations to unravel and have themselves.
Having been involved in Red Cross, the California Scholarship Federation, and the Boy Scouts of America over the past years, I have given back quite a bit already; however, I am eager to continue further on in my journey. As I pursue my interest in Engineering, I will make the most of my opportunities not only to succeed individually, but also to succeed in giving back to whomever I have taken from. I feel that I need to, I feel that I should, but I know that I want to.
493 words
I feel that I didn't elaborate enough on the impact the experience had on me; however, I'm struggling with what to say to further spotlight that impact.
I think the essay good and well written overall, but maybe you can elaborate a bit more on what you did in Red Cross, Boy scouts etc. That would help, I know admissions office don't fully read an essay, but if you elaborated on something, it will still catch their eye.
Good luck!!
My face violently contorted as I seemingly succumbed to death and rolled over in my grave right then and there.
This is a cool sentence, but how can your face contort while that happens? Ha ha, I like it, though.
I will never know if he was slightly drunk at the time he made his decision,
Wow, you are funny... this is a cool essay. I'll keep reading and see if it has a strong theme.
Well.. I hae to say, you could have done a better job reflecting on a life lesson you gained. Express a unique insight in a sentence or two. Does a person 30 years older than you have some perspective you do not have? Add something intriguing to the end of this essay.
:-)
