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"why I want to be a nurse?" - Nursing school admissions essay

hollylopez 1 / -  
Feb 25, 2010   #1
Hi there. This is my admissions essay to nursing college. The topic is supposed to be why I want to be a nurse. Thanks for any suggestions on changes in grammar or ideas!

I've known since I was a young teenager that nursing was the educational path and career choice I wanted to pursue. I was raised by my mother with help from my elderly grandmother. While my mother attended a local community college in pursuit of her register nursing licenses or when she worked night shifts as a licensed vocational nurse at a hospital downtown, my grandmother was the one who watched over me. My grandmother was like a second mother to me and a large driving force on why I am, who I am today. She always taught me that with a little patience and consideration you can make a difference in someone's life. Although, when I was young it was more making a difference in something's life, than someone's. I can remember being little and helping my grandmother nurse freshly hatched baby birds, that had been abandoned in a nest, to full maturity. I also remember helping take care of the family dog when he got sick; I would wait on him hand and foot as if he was just as important as everyone else in the family. I have many memories of taking care of hurt animals that my grandmother had come in tenure of and at that point in my life I thought veterinarian school would be my calling.

The patience and compassion my grandmother taught me how to show is the same patience and compassion my mother demonstrated while she took care of my sick grandmother in the last two years of her life. My first year of junior high school my grandmother fell down, broke her hip and was bed ridden for the follow two years of her life. Sadly, after she sustained the injury there was a steady decline in her health. After the fall, my grandmother came to live with us and I watched my mother make adjustments in her life to help care for my grandmother in her time of need. My mother understood that the roles were going to be reversed and that my mom would have to be the one taking care of my grandmother rather than my grandmother helping take care of my mom. My mother also understood that was going to take some time and endurance on my mother's side because my grandmother was obstinate and having a hard time adjusting to the new care she was getting. My mother also cared for my grandmother by being her in home nurse and taking care of all her health care needs; such as bathing her and making sure she took all of her medications. It was in that two years of my grandmother living with us that I got to experience firsthand some of the duties of being a nurse. I enjoyed helping my mother take of my grandmother and I often sought out responsibilities that most teenagers in junior high school would not do even if they were compensated for it.

It was in that two years of helping my mother take care of my grandmother that I realized that I wanted to be a nurse just like my mom. She showed me that with patience and compassion you can make a large difference in someone life; as we did in the last two years of my grandmothers'. That is not the sole reason why I want to pursue nursing; I also have a passion to work with children. I currently, and have been working for over four years, as a behavioral therapist for children with autism. I love my job and I love the one on one interaction I get with my clients. I feel that nursing can provide, that one on one interaction that I enjoy in my current position, for me and that I can excel at because of my experience I have. I feel like with my patience and experience in the field of work and my prior experience and exposure to the care given to my grandmother that I cannot think of a degree I would rather pursue than nursing.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 26, 2010   #2
Your first sentence is good, but you should add 3 more sentences after it and then do a paragraph break before writing this:

Paragraph 2:
I was raised by my mother with help from my elderly grandmother. While my mother ...

In para #1, you should introduce the main idea of the essay. This can mention your grandmother but it should also mention your vision for the future, your specific plans about where to work, etc., and a general overview of what is included in the essay. It should end with a thesis statement that tells the main idea for the whole essay.

I think the thesis statement should be something about wanting to be a nurse because of your experience taking care of your grandmother after she had taken care of you.

No comma is necessary in this sentence:
My grandmother was like a second mother to me and a large driving force on why I am who I am today.
Use a comma in this compound sentence:
I enjoyed helping my mother take of my grandmother, and I often sought out ...


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