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"Nursing degree" - all they want is a simple response on academic goals?


bonitachica 1 / 12  
Dec 28, 2009   #1
My Assignment:

Please submit a concise essay (two page limit) which addresses and centers on your primary academic goals and objectives. You may wish to include information on your motivation for entering the nursing profession and a synopsis of personal, academic, volunteer and employment experiences which have shaped your choice. If you are drawn to a particular aspect of nursing, you may wish to include a discussion of your specialty interest(s) within your essay. The essay is reviewed by our Admissions Committee so that we may learn more about you, and also serves as a writing sample.

My essay: (Simple and to the point) Any feedback would be helpful! Thank you!!!

With each day I venture upon new challenges and learning experiences that support my goals. Unaware as a young girl, I gained great strength from my mother. I lived my entire childhood in a single family household, my mother and two younger sisters. She successfully raised us to be responsible and optimistic young adults. Embarking on adulthood, I was making decisions that would affect my entire future. I was discovering where I was best utilized in the business world, which jobs I enjoyed and which ones I did not. I was also deciding which education path would lead to a fulfilling career. During this time of personal discovery, my grandmother was hospitalized after an aneurysm in her abdomen burst. Aneurysm was my first knowledgeable experience with a medical term. After my grandmother passed away, my family realized she had complained of pain in her abdomen for months. My grandmother was never able to communicate her pain into action. Receiving medical treatment for her pain may have saved her life. With the education I have gained thus far I could have recognized her pain as something more serious. I choose nursing for the possibility of saving lives, saving someone's grandmother, or relative. Nursing is also a field in which I can grow and strive to be more knowledgeable and current with new medical research. Nursing will allow me to face challenges, challenges I am sure will only increase my desire to succeed. Nursing will also cradle my passion to communicate with people of different cultures. As I study the Spanish language I realize there is a great need for nurses to speak languages besides English. Nurses are often a patient's first communication when receiving medical treatment. It is important that these patients are able to receive adequate and quality health care no matter their language barriers. My main academic goal is to continue my education at your University earning a Bachelor of Science in Nursing degree. I am also going to continue my education in Spanish by becoming fluent in the language. I am also interested in learning sign language. I believe that people who speak different languages are at a disadvantage in our health care systems and I hope to one day bridge that gap one person at a time.
fightingillini 2 / 6  
Dec 28, 2009   #2
With each day I venture ... would affect my entire future.

I would like to start off by saying that I'm not in love with the intro. You can make it better and more personal by adding your grandmother anecdote first and then working from there. This intro is too generic I was discovering where I was best utilized in the business world, which jobs I enjoyed and which ones I did not. I was also deciding which education path would lead to a fulfilling career.

During this time of personal discovery, ... communicate her pain into action.

Very sorry for your loss but you can make this anecdote great with a little more elaboration and passion. It lacks passion. If you start your essay with this and slowly build off of it, iti would turn out better.

Nursing will also cradle ... speak languages besides English.

This has to be incorporated earlier in the essay and smoothly transitioned in. It's just kind of abruptly placed in the essay. Doesn't flow really well. You change gears from nursing to language. Elaborate more on specific examples to really put YOURSELF in the essays.

Nurses are often a patient's first communication when receiving medical treatment.

Re-word this sentence.

My main academic goal is ... in learning sign language.

Same thing here with the gear shifting and transition. Again you bring up another topic, this time its sign language. If you can put all of these elements into one smooth essay by using personal anecdotes and examples, you'll have a great essay

Very generic but it has potential to be great. Just add more you and make sure your topics aren't abruptly placed into your essay. I know you tried to transition from nursing to languages but try to do it earlier and smoother. Say something like "my grandmother was flipping through the channels where as soon as she landed on the hispanic channel, she complained about abdominal pain. Is coincidental that both my passions of language and nursing fell right into my lap... etc. you get the point. You can make it great just go do some work.
OP bonitachica 1 / 12  
Dec 28, 2009   #3
Great tips. I appreciate them, I have a hard time being a creative writer. Thanks for the input!!

Amanda
fightingillini 2 / 6  
Dec 28, 2009   #4
No problem. Just really sit down and think all your ideas through to make it great. You just need to be focused and creative. Get inspiration from other essays or other writers.
TC3 4 / 37  
Dec 29, 2009   #5
hi i like your essay! very well-written. the last sentence though sounds pretty cliche and overused esp the bridgin the gap part.

ps: thank you for reading my essay (=
OP bonitachica 1 / 12  
Dec 29, 2009   #6
thankd for reading, I am actually going to rewrite it but keep the same ideas, it just seems boring and generic!
Jessays321 1 / 2  
Dec 30, 2009   #7
i would just beef up the vocab a little..dont make it sound like you could have never said it but make it more figurative language. Great job!
jampamz 6 / 33  
Dec 30, 2009   #8
I think you should just check your grammar a little more "sweetest hispanic woma n, and make it less choppy.

I think it's a really heartwarming story and it shows why you like language and nursing, so that's good!
twizzlestraw 12 / 95  
Jan 2, 2010   #9
My grandmother was always in amazementamazed when I had full fledged

... she reassured everyone it was nothing major and ...

Nice essay. But it doesn't really feel very cohesive until the last line. I think you should find someway to say that language and nursing were your passions at the beginning so the reader doesnt feel like youre jusmping around

Thnaks for reading mine!
OP bonitachica 1 / 12  
Jan 2, 2010   #10
thank you for your comments. I took the last line and added it in the beginning, hope this helps it sound better.
twizzlestraw 12 / 95  
Jan 2, 2010   #11
Haha, yeah that really made all the difference!

Good luck!
=)


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