Desperately need help with this one. Please critique as harsh as possible. I'll return the favor.
Colgate prompt (250 words)
We honor the many different forms of diversity in our community. Your perspective is valuable because it comes from your life experiences, family backgrounds, and culture. Please tell us about yourself, how you plan to share your perspective with the Colgate Community, and what you hope to learn from other members of the community.
As my parents were always occupied with work, taking care of my diabetic grandpa and my gouty grandma became my responsibility since I was eleven. Cooking meals, doing housework, taking Grandpa and Grandma to their physical therapy sessions seemed arduous at first, yet these were easy tasks compared to accepting the fact that my grandparents, who brought me up since infancy, returned to the vulnerability of delicate children and hiding my worries and trepidation. But through taking Grandma to the ER and calling an ambulance for Grandpa, I have become more mature at handling difficult situations.
Looking after my grandparents, volunteering at a nursing home and assisting with elderly care at a hospital all made me realize how the aged long for care and affection. I hope to continue my endeavor in providing emotional support to the old and encourage Colgate fellows to visit the 66 nursing homes near Hamilton, NY. I would also love to dedicate myself to setting up overseas exchange programs between Colgate, Taiwan and China. With such connection, not only can the Colgate community experience Chinese culture in depth, but Taiwanese and Chinese students can benefit from exploring their potential through an elite liberal arts education. At Colgate, I would hold onto the opportunity of learning new perspectives from the diverse student body and discovering new ways to contribute to the community by joining COVE. A Colgate education will help me fulfill my aspirations of becoming a social entrepreneur and advocating the empowerment of the disadvantaged.
Reword the latter part of the second sentence of the first paragraph
Anyone else? I really need help with this one!!!
Vivid and brilliant!!
Good Luck!
Make hiding my worries and trepidation a separate sentence. (run on sentence here)
You could use the word "geriatric" instead of saying elderly care, but thats your call.
I like the specifics at the end! (their probably inundated with Chinese applicants though, maybe you could say something else you could do with your background)
Good essay.
taking Grandpa and Grandma to their physical therapy sessions seemed arduous at first
...taking Grandpa and Grandma to their physio therapist seemed arduous at first.Cooking meals, doing housework, taking Grandpa and Grandma to their physical therapy sessions seemed arduous at first, yet these were easy tasks compared to accepting the fact that my grandparents, who brought me up since infancy, returned to the vulnerability of delicate children and hiding my worries and trepidation.
I find this sentence is too long. I suggest you to make two sentences
But through taking Grandma to the ER and calling an ambulance for Grandpa, I have become more mature at handling difficult situations.
But handling these tasks, especially under difficult situations, helped me gain the ability to make quick decisions and mature faster than my age.Thanks for all your help!!! I really appreciate your effort! Below is my revised version. It'd be great if someone can give more suggestions.
Colgate prompt 250 words
We honor the many different forms of diversity in our community. Your perspective is valuable because it comes from your life experiences, family backgrounds, and culture. Please tell us about yourself, how you plan to share your perspective with the Colgate Community, and what you hope to learn from other members of the community.
As my parents were always occupied with work, taking care of my diabetic grandpa and my gouty grandma became my responsibility since I was eleven. Cooking meals, doing housework, taking Grandpa and Grandma to their physiotherapist seemed arduous at first. However, these were easy tasks compared to accepting the fact that my grandparents, who brought me up since infancy, returned to the vulnerability of delicate children. I tried my best to hide my worries and trepidation. But through taking Grandma to the ER and calling an ambulance for Grandpa, I have become more mature at handling difficult situations.
Looking after my grandparents, volunteering at a nursing home, and assisting with geriatric care at a hospital all made me realize how the aged long for care and affection. I hope to continue my endeavor in providing emotional support to the old and encourage Colgate fellows to visit the 66 nursing homes near Hamilton, NY. I would also love to dedicate myself to setting up overseas exchange programs between Colgate, Taiwan and China. With such connection, not only can the Colgate community experience Chinese culture in depth, but Taiwanese and Chinese students can benefit from exploring their potential through an elite liberal arts education. At Colgate, I would hold onto the opportunity of learning new perspectives from the diverse student body and discovering new ways to contribute to the community by joining COVE. A Colgate education will help me fulfill my aspirations of becoming a social entrepreneur and advocating the empowerment of the disadvantaged.
How did you first know about Colgate? 500 characters
"Colgate University Presidential Event in HK" was forwarded to my Gmail account by Mom. How could I miss this great opportunity? Meeting President Herbst, Katryna and alumni at Conrad Hotel, I was impressed by their noble temperament, their fruitful lives, and the cohesion within the Colgate network. President Herbst's vision for the school, staff and alumni's dedication towards further improvement all reinforced my passion to join the Colgate community and contribute in reaching its ambitious goals.
Any comments? Really need help with this essay!
