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Nursing School Admissions Essay: "to acquire skills"


peyut 1 / 2  
Jul 1, 2010   #1
Hey guys!
What do you think of my essay? Any comments and suggestions would really help! Thanks!

**The school wants an essay that centers on academic goals and why I decided to choose the major and experiences that shaped my choice.

Ever since I started school (As long as I can remember?), my one and only goal was to finish college. Growing up in Manila, Philippines, a third world yet western-culture-embracing country, finishing college meant a better quality life for me and my family, it also meant landing me a job. See education is highly-valued in the Philippines; it's like gold for us Filipinos. When I was there you would even need a college degree in order to work in McDonald's for example. And so I had this mindset that fueled me to be motivated in everything I do whether it'd be studying for exams or just plain old household chores. But when I graduated high school, I had so many things that I wanted to be that at first I chose nursing to be my major because everybody I knew took it as their major. Months after graduating high school, I packed my whole life in two suitcases and brought it here in the United States. I didn't start college straightaway, I was only sixteen at the time, so that gave me time to decide on what I should really pursue in my life. During that time, I volunteered in my uncle's physical, occupational, and speech therapy clinic which mostly treated handicapped children wherein I witnessed firsthand how rewarding it was to help them improve their way of life, sometimes as simple as by being able to walk for the first time or by being able to sing the alphabet. This made me decide that I'd really like to have a career in health care, but physical, occupational, or speech therapy isn't my calling just yet. Around that time did my dad also took his accelerated course in nursing, and so, every time he would get home from school or his clinicals he would recount how his day was and I got so interested that it got to the point that I would get his nursing books and randomly read off of them.

[ Another experience that helped me shape my decision in wanting to be a nurse was when my grandfather got sick when I was little. I remember it like it was only yesterday; cars flying by, streetlights were all a blur and I can barely make out where I was as we were speeding through the streets of Manila as if we were being chased by bears. The siren was blaring in my ears and I content myself in thinking that we'll get there in a few minutes. My grandpa was lying down on a stretcher with an oxygen mask on his face; he just had a brain aneurysm and we were aboard an ambulance en route to the hospital. I was eight years old at the time. Witnessing all that at such a tender age struck a nerve and driven me to want to help people that are in the same situation as my grandfather; people who are sick and helpless. ] -- **I was thinking of making this the 1st paragraph instead of a 2nd one... any thoughts??

My academic goals are simple. First, the most important one, I aim to finish my studies in order to acquire skills because this will better prepare me for the profession I choose which is to become a nurse. Second, I believe finishing college means I will attain better qualifications and in present time's competitive world it is so much harder to acquire valuable job opportunities because the first thing employers ask for is your educational background. Lastly, I will put my best foot forward to endeavor to accomplish day-to-day undertaking of the university's nursing curriculum. I believe your university will help me broaden my horizon and develop as an individual not only furthering my education but also unlocking my full potential. I have no doubt that being able to attend your university will help me carry out these goals. In three years time, I see myself doing rounds in a hospital, caring and nursing for the sick and hoping to make a difference in people's lives.
cathyliu 19 / 54  
Jul 1, 2010   #2
Ever since I started school (As long as I can remember?) , one of my mainone and only goals was has been to finish enrolled by a college.

The dream to study at a college(/Uni.) has been one of my precious dreams ever since I began to go to school.

...Philippines, a ^country belonging to the third world yet be embraced by western-culture, finishing college meants a better quality ^of life for me and my family, it also meant landing me a job. SeeSince/because education is highly-valued in the Philippines; it's like gold for us Filipinos.

...I deeply know that what a college diploma means in the Philipines; It means a decent job, a stable income and a high quality of life to both my family and myself, since education is high valued in this country, just like gold to Filipinos.

need to leave sorry , with see your paper later.
you need to pay attention to the tense.
OP peyut 1 / 2  
Jul 3, 2010   #3
thanks for your help... i know i'm really bad at tenses that's why i need an extra pair of eyes with my essay...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jul 3, 2010   #4
Ever since I started school (As long as I can remember?), my one and only goal was to finish college. Let's get rids of this weak sentence. It's a bad way toy start. I hope you don't mind me being candid about it. It's boring! :-)

This is very interesting!!---> Growing up in Manila, Philippines, a third world yet western-culture-embracing country, finishing college meant a better quality life for me and my family, it also meant landing me a job. See Education is highly-valued in the Philippines; it's like gold for us Filipinos.

Yes, that verb tense should stay consistent, as you mentioned:
fueled me to be motivated in everything I do did, whether it'd be studying for exams or just plain old household chores.

Sometimes it is better to use fewer words, even if some details are lost:
Another experience that helped me shape my decision in wanting to be a nurse was when my grandfather got sick. when I was little. ---- "when I was little" is an extra detail that taxes the reader's attention. I got rid of it. :-)

Here is another:
Lastly, I will put my best foot forward to endeavor to accomplish the day-to-day undertaking of the

Look for places to "stream;line" and get rid of words. Make it sleek and efficient.
This is very good, very impressive thoughtfulness.
OP peyut 1 / 2  
Jul 3, 2010   #5
Don't worry, I don't mind honest opinions. I think it's constructive and it helps me to do better.
I see what you mean. I do over-think stuff and tend to include a lot of details. I am so glad I came across this forum! Thanks for your help!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jul 6, 2010   #6
I do over-think stuff and tend to include a lot of details

Yeah, that is a problem we all have when we write. Maybe it should be called the 'high speech phenomenon.' We always feel like we need to be extra thorough and proper when we write, but the best writing is the kind that shocks the reader a little bit. :-)


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