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Between nursing and veterinary - Rutgers Admissions Essay


nayara13 1 / 2  
Nov 11, 2010   #1
This is Rutgers admission essay topic and i would love any critism or advice on anything else to add or take out.

Required Essay: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered.

I sit there at the corner waiting for that big yellow school bus when it arrives I rush in without even looking up and sit in the first seat. Quickly losing the seniority of an eighth grader and intimidated by the upperclassmen sitting in the back, I'm only a freshmen. As the bus comes to a complete stop at the front of my new school my nerves kick in. I quickly walk to the freshmen hallway to see my friends. As I walk through the halls I look up and take a glance of the people passing, everyone happy to be back to a place there so comfortable with. But not me, I feel awkward, like I don't belong. As I get to the freshmen hallway I run to hug my friends, I missed them a lot over the summer. Not even being able to imagine that in a few months I would no longer be in this school or in the state for that matter, but in a small town called Kearny in New Jersey. Most people get terrified by their first day of high school scared of the upperclassmen or not knowing their surroundings. I, well I was terrified twice. Towards the end of my freshmen year the economy was at a low point and my parents both working in the real estate and mortgage agency it was tough on them. My father had to leave us in Florida and found a job in New York City, living with his friends in Newark, NJ. With my mother still not working life just got harder and harder until my parents decided it was best for the whole family to move north where there was a greater chance of a job opportunity. Despite how hard it was for us to leave Florida it was for the best of our family. Entering Kearny high school I felt different than when I entered Olympic Heights the vibes were different and the people. Kearny was more diverse with all races and ethnicities unlike Olympic Heights where there were just the whites, the African Americans, and the Hispanics. Kearny high school there was more of a variety there were polish and Irish and Portuguese, you don't see all this diversity back where I lived. I felt good about it I liked it. Moving was difficult both emotional and school wise, the schools here are much tougher than in Florida and it took some time getting used to. Especially entering at the end of the year. The following year still wasn't easy but I found a way to help me fit in by joining Crew. Crew helped me make friends and feel more comfortable in the school . I also joined clubs where I met even more friends. Kearny high school was perfect it was diverse and tough. During my sophomore year of high school I began to think of things I would like to become in the future. Living in a house full of animals I wanted to be a veterinarian but than I did a project in school about Nursing and interviewed a nurse. I was in the middle of the interview when it hit me, "I want to be a Nurse". If accepted to Rutgers I plan to pursue Nursing as my major.
fznfire 1 / 32  
Nov 11, 2010   #2
I sit there at the corner waiting for that big yellow school bus. When it arrives I rush in

Perhaps you should reconsider writing this sentence
Quickly losing the seniority of an eighth grader and intimidated by the upperclassmen sitting in the back, I'm only a freshmen

low point and my parents both working in the real estate and mortgage agency. It was tough on them

I felt good about it I liked it [Redundant]

Rutgers is a perfect realization of the diversity that I am seeking for. I am looking forward a day when I would be there.

You should also consider breaking this essay into paragraphs and I am not much sure about the present tense you have used in the beginning. Perhaps that should be past.

On whole the essay is good. Because you have not mentioned the question, I could not find out if it answers the prompt or not.

Please could you help me with my essay...
jmags 1 / 1  
Nov 11, 2010   #3
I dont think your essay really answers the prompt. I like it until the last 3 sentences. you should talk about how join crew helped you embrace your new community and you would do the same at rutgers, as far as being active and what not
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 21, 2010   #4
Here is another correction:
Towards the end of my freshmen year, when the economy was at a low point and my parents were both working in at a real estate and mortgage agency, it life was tough on them.

Yes, I think Jessica might be right. You should show them that you are writing an essay about the "unique" aspects of your background that enable you to "contribute" to the environment. So... use some of the same words that they use in the prompt, and also...

use the word "diversity" to show that you are answering the prompt.

:-)


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