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hrishi 1 / 1  
Feb 17, 2020   #1
This is the first time, i wrote personal statement,so it is my request to read this statement and give me feedback, & help me to shorten it bit. Constructive criticisms are always welcome.

shaping houses and the lifestyle of people

Topic: you should also include a personal statement in this section elaborating your achievements, as well as their relevance to the course of study you have chosen.As your statement is limited to only 2000 characters, do present your ideas in a focused and thoughtful manner.

"Architects not only shape the house but also shape the lifestyle of people living there", learnt this lesson from my personal experience of spending almost 18 years and facing numerous problems in the dilapidated house which was built without architects supervision.The same scenario is with my locality too. Thus, Growing up in congested locality with poor infrastructure not only taught me the need of good architects in society but also inspired me to study about architecture.

For this, after class 10th,i chose my subjects accordingly and alongside at home , started improving my drawing and architectural aptitude that helped me to know some amazing science applications in day to day buildings construction which improved my perception to look buildings and areas. That enjoyable journey of 2 years gave me most beautiful result.

I was felicitated by Jagran Genius Award in the felicitation ceremony of science stream students who got exceptionally high marks in their respective boards, I got Gold Metal for Securing 452 marks out of 500 from CBSE board. In this Ceremony, I got the opportunity to meet some reputed persons, learned professors and toppers of other Boards.

After that I started preparing for JEE Mains (B. Arch) formerly AIEEE , Joint Entrance Exam of top institute in India for pursuing B.Arch., in which nearly 1.5 lakhs aspirants appear yearly and only 1% got admitted. I scored 99.69 percentile (expected all india rank 300).

I am grateful for all the achievements i made but i know that those are only small part of the journey,somewhat superficial and I have to dive deep.Till now, i accomplished basic requirements to study about architecture which aspired me to learn even more.

I believe national university of Singapore will provide me better theoretical concepts and practical knowledge and help me to evolve not only as a good architect but also as a better person through its academics and regular activities.

That's all from my side. thanking you for reading this statement.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,088 3250  
Feb 17, 2020   #2
The essay is a bit difficult to understand due to the problematic sentence structure. It is obvious that you are using a language translator to write this essay because of the incoherent translation of English words from your native tongue. It will be difficult for the reviewer to understand what you are saying unless you have this paper professionally edited for content and presentation.

You don't really need the quotation at the start of the essay. Instead, open with a description of your house and community, which led to your interest in architecture. Lay the foundation of your interest from a personal basis. The story about your grade 10 experience in relation to architecture is muddled. What classes did you take? How were your grades? How did these lessons further drive your desire to become an architect? It just isn't clear. Do not keep going back to your personal story. Stick with the academics and academic achievements. That is what the prompt requires.

Try to expand on the awarding ceremony you attended due to your academic achievement. What is the relevance of the meeting you had with these movers and shakers in the architectural field in your country? How does this relate to an additional achievement on your part? I do not really see the importance of your merit ceremony because you did not explain it very well. By the way, you received a Gold Medal not a gold metal.What about the national test? What does that prove about your academic abilities? Why is this something that the reviewer should take note of?

You need to better explain the academic relevance of all your achievements in this essay. This sounds more like you are just enumerating your achievements. You do not explain yourself and the importance of these academic highlights very well. The essay needs to be revised heavily for clarity and relevance. The essay is suffering from heavy grammar issues that affect the clarity of the presentation and coherence of the sentences / paragraphs.
OP hrishi 1 / 1  
Feb 18, 2020   #3
First of all, Thank you for your feedback. I am writing my personal statement again and I think your suggestions will definitely help me. Let me explain you some of my problems.

I was not using translator. Being an international student, i was unable to find right words because of that I started searching the words online. I think you find this personal statement muddled as to keep it short(2000 characters) , i removed some of the lines."medal" misspelled to "metal" due to auto-correction as i don't have a computer / laptop, i am writing it in my phone. I hope you will understand my problem. I am going to write my personal statement again and will try to resolve the blunders.