Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 3

NUS Personal Statement, "elaborate your achievements and their relevance to your chosen course"

azulamikaelson 2 / 3  
Dec 29, 2020   #1

Writing about an interest in the chosen course

As a naturally inquisitive teenager, I crave new experiences. I became the youngest Indonesian representative in Asia Youth Leader by AEON 1% club. On the topic of healthy diet, our group considered technological trends to attract people's interest and practicality, so we settled on a virtual assistant that could identify the nutritional needs of every household securing third place overall. Our project sparked my interest in programming, delving further into introductory courses like Hour of Code and Scratch.

The subsequent year, I was a delegate in an AFS exchange program to Italy. I took the opportunity to address misconceptions between cultures at the local community, and though I would likely mispronounce my words, learning how to code taught me to embrace improvement instead of aiming for perfection. Furthermore, I did volunteer work for primary school students and people with disabilities. Unfortunately, the experience ended early and I saw firsthand just how the situation worsened. Ambulance sirens could be frequently heard and everyone seemed to be on high alert in public settings. A question popped into my head, how could a country with such technological prowess be one of the first to fall?

Both experiences fuelled my curiosity over the limitations of technology and to participate in finding solutions to global issues while simultaneously challenging my problem solving skill and creativity, looking at things through various angles as well as approaching a problem with critical and analytical mindset. Being immersed in diversity and engaging in group projects had improved my adaptability, I learned how to be a team player and a leader with enhanced communication skills. I believe that those mentalities are crucial for an engineer and it drove me towards studying computer science at NUS which will be my stepping stone, envisioning myself working alongside people in pursuit of efficiency to create an invention with a profound impact on civilization.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,124 3267  
Dec 29, 2020   #2
Try to refocus your discussion on medical technology. That is the obvious focus of your essay, but it is muddled by the lack of clarity in the direction of your discussion. Open your discussion with a reference to your interest in your chosen course, computer programming right? Just make sure that your opening paragraph combines your interest in medical technology with coding so that the importance of your achievements in the related fields are better highlighted.

The opening sentence could be better structured, there is no relation between your being a naturally inquisitive teenager with the award that you received. Rather, connect the award with healthcare and medical technology or, medical technology alone since that would end up being the focus of your coding studies. The program you attended in Italy is important to the discussion, but the volunteer work does not relate to achievements, nor are these references relevant to your course. You can delete that part of the presentation and replace it with more focused reference sentences instead.
BearByte 2 / 3  
Dec 29, 2020   #3
Holt has already given you excellent advice, but I think you should also elaborate on specific examples of your experience with coding. It seems you tried to make it a central topic of the essay, but you don't provide the substance to back it up. You mention that "learning how to code taught [you] to embrace improvement instead of aiming for perfection" but you don't explain what experience with coding taught you that lesson. I think your essay would greatly benefit from detailing your experiences with coding.

Home / Undergraduate / NUS Personal Statement, "elaborate your achievements and their relevance to your chosen course"