The requirement is as below:
This section is an opportunity for you to elaborate on the information you have provided earlier. You may wish to discuss a special talent, a personal experience or an activity that you have been involved in that is relevant to the course(s) that you are applying for admission.
As there is a space limit of 2,000 characters for your input in this section, you are encouraged to present your thoughts clearly.
Here's my essay:
In business, we often need to unite people from various positions with various personalities to achieve a collective goal. I consider this a vital aspect of business management, which has fascinated me since I participated in my class's live performance in year 11.
As a custom in my high school, each class is encouraged to perform a live show at school to demonstrate its members' talents and solidarity. However, for my class was an all-girl one with the girls diversified in their lifestyles and opinions, preparing for the show became a real challenge. Many times we argued over such matters as a plot for the mainstream drama or the dresses in a 3-minute fashion show. Members became daunted with the disagreements and some even did not want to get involved with the project.
Being one of the dancers in the show, I attended every rehearsal and helped with the problems. For example, when our fashion designer refused to continue after some girls acting as models heavily complained about her designs, I sought to listen to the opposing views and reconcile them. I reminded my mates of the common target, a show representing the class as a whole, not individuals. Besides, I talked much with the leader, made her feel shared and encouraged her to keep up the work - to believe in her class and herself. I also recruited as many members to the project as I could. My friend who was always busy studying came to play a role in the drama after I persuaded her to join the rehearsals.
It seemed a marvel that our show turned out to be very successful. We received applauses from our teachers and other classes, and weeks later kept recalling the time we had fun rehearsing together. I felt moved finding that this success did not come easily, but were worth trying for.
Teamwork is both challenging and captivating. Once looking at the list of the massive names contributing to a Disney-Pixar movie, I wholeheartedly wished to learn how to manage all those people and lead them to succeed collectively.
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I managed to keep the essay to the space limit and did some revision. However, if you have any more suggestions please kindly reply, as I'm not a native and not so sure about my wording/grammar/expression of ideas in general.
Thank you.
Good essay, but nowhere do you actually talk about how you overcame the problems. You simply just said we had problems and that was it. I am guessing that your major will be Business. As such you need to really talk about a specific obstacle you had and how you overcame it to work together. Adding this will make this essay more complete. Hope we can help.
This is my suggestion for one of your awkward sentences:
However, for my all-girl class was an all-girl one with the girls diversified in their lifestyles and opinions, so preparing for the show
We received applause from our teachers and other ...
You have a nice way of writing! You should add a few sentences to that conclusion paragraph, and list a few of your ideas and/or your goals for your first few years in the field of management. The conclusion paragraph can reflect on the MAIN MESSAGE of the essay and on its implications.
