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NYU (online store + stern)

hellokittyhello 2 / 1  
Dec 27, 2011   #1
Regardless of whether or not you have an intended major or concentration, please elaborate on an academic area of interest and how you wish to explore it at NYU's campuses in New York or Abu Dhabi or at one of our global academic centers around the world. Please share any activities or experiences you have had that have cultivated your intellectual interests leading you to choose to study at the NYU campus of your choice.

i already have a "why NYU" essay written so this one focuses on why i want to study at NYU stern. I think my last paragraph is weak but i did want to mention how i wanted to be in Stern Cares which is a club stern students can particpate in which you help those in need through business skills learned. But it seems like i may have randomly thrown it in there, any suggestions on my last paragraph??

What do most people do with their old clothes? Throw them away? Give them to a relative? When I was in the 9th grade, I decided to take a different route and started an online store.

Two weeks passed. I sold nothing. No wonder! After comparing my store with others online, I realized that my prices were outrageously high. Thus, with each passing day, I learned the aspects of a successful online store by reading blogs, watching videos and asking questions on forums. Whether it was a marketing strategy involving photography techniques or advice about customer service, I applied many strategies I had learned into my store. I managed to sell all my items and even gained a pleasing profit. However, I didn't want to stop. There was an excitement that followed running a business that I had never felt before! Over time, I expanded my inventory to include items imported from Korea, Japan, and China. I discovered a promising niche in the market; I began to offer stationary that catered to a concentrated group of customers from all over the world including Canada, England and Chile.

Running an online store has helped me realize my desire to focus my studies on business and I wish to pursue this education at NYU Stern. This school will not only provide me with opportunities to flourish in the business world but also experience that goes beyond coursework. I look forward to being a part of Stern Cares as it will help foster my passion for philanthropy as well as fulfill my career interests.

GraceTaylorWei 12 / 41  
Dec 27, 2011   #2
I really like this, shows your experience in business. However, I feel that your last sentence is cut off from your essay focus - when you were running your company, were u interested in philanthropy? It's a little random but with a little explaining it will be a great ending.
carochoi 3 / 22  
Dec 28, 2011   #3
I think you can elaborate more in your last paragraph. If possible, try to cut a few things out from your first paragraph so you can write more in your last one. The last paragraph needs to be especially good because it directly sums up why NYU Stern will help you improve your skills in business.

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