Hi, I would really appreciate it if I could get some constructive criticism on my NYU supplements, even if you can only read one! (It's kind of long)
(maximum 500 character each)
1. In addition to any work experience that you listed on your application, please tell us how you spent your most recent summer vacation.
I traveled much this summer, visiting colleges and exploring sites while spending quality time with my family. I also performed in cultural programs and fundraisers and took hip-hop lessons and vocal lessons. At Hershey Park I enjoyed the thrill of roller coasters and went on kiddie rides with my little sisters. My family and I also went to the Macy's Fourth of July Fireworks, where we coincidently sat next to a man claiming to be Shia LaBeouf's cousin which, to say the least, was interesting. (498 characters)
2. If you had the opportunity to spend one day in New York City with a famous New Yorker, who would it be and what would you do? (Your New Yorker can be anyone -past or present, fictional or nonfictional - who is commonly associated with New York City; they do not necessarily have to have been born and raised in New York.)
A day with James Franco would be spontaneous and full of laughter. Together we would walk around like tourists and try out multiple accents. He could teach me how to ice skate at Rockefeller Center. Afterwards, cold and sore from all the tumbles, we could sip hot chocolate, only to go out again to get our portraits done. At the end of the day, we could climb up the huge rock in Central Park and test our own artistic abilities by painting the beautiful sunset with New York City's skyline. (493 characters)
3. Write a haiku, limerick, or short (eight lines or less) poem that best represents you.
(should there be a title/commas/periods?)
I am a flower, upward bound
Bursting with color from within the ground
'Tis difficult, oh winter, to quench the spirit within
For against your darkness I shall win
Triumphantly I shall rise when (as?) the birds sing
OR
I am a seashell, the sea I abhor
With joy I accept my new home ashore
But look! Look there! Here comes a wave
Bringing forth sand through which I am enslaved
Awaiting the day I see the sunlight I adore
4. In the year 2050, a movie is being made of your life. Please tell us the name of your movie and briefly summarize the story line.
Ideas anyone? I really can't think of anything special to write. I would like to become a doctor, maybe a pediatrician, and I would definetely like to be married and have children by this time.
5. Please tell us what led you to select your anticipated academic program and/or NYU school/college, and what interests you most about your intended discipline.
Medicine has been my aspiration since childhood, not by whim or influence from my parents; rather, I became intrigued by my pediatrician's job. My sister has had eczema since she was a few months old. My family was extremely anxious as to how it would affect her life. The way our pediatrician guided and comforted us through our crisis made me realize that I would like to similarly help others, and my heart hasn't changed course since. NYU's Pre-Medical program can help me reach that ambition. (497 characters)
Thank you so much! Any comments would be greatly appreciated! =)
1. I traveled various places this summer
2., 3. I like both of number two and three essay. Maybe a title would be unique in the third essay.
4.Hmmm.. I am not sure about this one. I think it is boring to make movie about your whole life. How about making movie about your one part of your life? For example, since you want to work in medical field, maybe making up a dramatic story on your medical treatments to patients or somekind of exciting but moving episode?
5.It is very solid essay.
My family and I also went to the Macy's Fourth of July Fireworks, where we coincidently sat next to a man claiming to be Shia LaBeouf's cousin which, to say the least, was interesting.
This is a funny style you use, here. I think it could be even better. They don't ACTUALLY care what you did over the summer, so how about putting this sentence at the beginning to intrigue them. Delve into it. :-)
You can have punctuation in the poem if you want... I would use a comma at the end of... er... like this:
bound,
ground.
within,
For against your darkness I shall win.
Triumphantly I shall rise when
(as?) the birds sing.
I like your way of thinking and writing.
I added the puncutation within the poem.
The sentence, however, was limited in how much I could change it because there is a 500 character count.
Thank you for your help!
