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"the obstacle of transferring schools" - experiences, PENN STATE PERSONAL STATEMENT

julie20 1 / 1  
Sep 19, 2010   #1
Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or high school record.

The hallways were crammed with hundreds of unfamiliar faces. I stood pressed up against a locker to avoid being trampled by the stampede of students. The cold shiver of the locker's metal exterior only added to my discomfort. Being forced to transfer school districts was even worse than I had imagined. However, in the long run, I owe much of my current personality to the "nightmare" uprooting. My only option was to break out of my comfort zone and shed my shy shell. The transformation of my self-esteem since the dreaded first day of sixth grade to the exciting first day of senior year has been remarkable. Instead of running from obstacles and challenges as I had in the past, I now embrace and conquer anything I am faced with. I take pride in being a leader of the National Honor Society and taking initiative to achieve an exceptional environment in school and my community. Although many people overlook the elderly and disabled in my area; The National Honor Society emphasis making a positive impact on those peoples' lives. Even if it is simply playing bingo with the elderly or helping a disabled boy play basketball. To the average person it is a minor contribution to the community, but to the people it effects it means the World.

Regardless of the size of my school, I make it a priority to be aware of new students. From my prior experiences, I recognize being in a new environment can be a terrifying situation and I aim to help ease the student's transition. It could be as simple as inviting he or she to sit at my table during lunch.

Now that I have tackled the obstacle of transferring schools; I now will be able to conquer anything. With the lessons learned in the past, I am ready to make a positive impact on the World. I believe I will accomplish extraordinary things in life and I feel that Penn State University will help me achieve my dreams.
Astraea7 4 / 10  
Sep 20, 2010   #2
"Although many people overlook the elderly and disabled in my area(,) The National Honor Society (emphasizes) making a positive impact on those peoples' lives."

This is very good! My only concern is how since you successly transferred schools, you can conquer anything. This is a huge statement to make, and you don't want your admissions reader to not take you seriously.
mea505 - / 265  
Sep 20, 2010   #3
Hi Julie!

I read through your essay and I think that it sounds good, although there were a few sentences that I needed to adjust for you. One issue that you might want to remember is the use of the semicolon -- it is generally used between two complete sentences, and it is used only when the two sentences are so much alike that they can be combined into one, if needed -- but they aren't because of the effect the two sentences has on the message being written. You cannot use a semicolon when there is an incomplete sentence -- unless you are naming or listing things.

Otherwise, your essay is good. I made a comment about one of the sentences in the first paragraph and I am just wondering if that sentence might better serve your purpose if it were placed in the beginning of the essay. That's your call, however.


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