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obtaining a higher degree - "Why do you want to transfer" smith & others

cdyal87 3 / 15  
Dec 28, 2010   #1
The prompt is what are my reasons for wishing to transfer and what goals do I hope to achieve? I am really trying not to go crazy over this essay. Smith, Bryn Mawr, and Middlebury are my dream colleges and attempting to possess acuity of what precisely they would like to hear, I have revised this speicifc essay 5 times.

Grammatical errors? Coherency issues? Sentence structure issues?
Thanks! I will reply by editing your posts!

My direct and simplistic reasoning's for transferring to a Liberal Arts College at this time is to obtain a higher degree than my Associate in Arts. More importantly, as I have graduated from a community college, I wish to transfer to a more academically flourishing college. The impersonal infrastructures of applying, registering, and attending classes have left a metallic flavor in my mouth and a craving for robust nutrients: witty and profound prompts, insightful challenges, and nourishing, tender amities. Upon entering into a Liberal Arts College I will aspire to understand with maximum capacity the knowledge and experience bestowed by each of my future professors. With the new challenges given by professors, I desire to procure scholarly independence from my fellow classmates and teachers so that I may grow self-sufficiently in intellectual academics- challenging theories and problems with my personal opinions so that they may exist in their entirety. I believe that a corollary of retracting from the surrounding academic environment will be a salubrious college experience for not only me but for my fellow classmates as well. The rigorous attention and profound questioning by professors and pupils, I feel, are essential components in the proliferation of a person's autonomous ability to critically analyze; and I hope to become an intellectual student who has gained from her challenging environment and academics the wit and drive of a scholar. Of course, it is without disregarding the relevancy of social interaction and without ignoring imperative communal participation that I am optimistic of participating in certain extracurricular activities: publishing articles for the college newspaper, enjoying rides with fellow cyclists, joining the local "French Table", viewing and discussing cinematic treasures with the film club, and extolling the surrounding architecture, environment, and people through photography.

My passion is to major in French and minor in Philosophy; and as I look forward to each subject being thoroughly understood , I am prepared for the trials and hurdles I will endure and overcome while learning to speak French fluently and while altering and acclimating my thoughts to critically analyze most thoroughly. Furthermore, I look forward to gaining confidence in conversing on the subjects of philosophy, literature, art, and film. I also expect to obtain a scholarly ability in analyzing Europe's affect over civilization, prosperity, and current affairs; modern revolution, evolution, and rebellion; film, screenplays, and directors; and literary movements (modernism and post-modernism, empiricism and rationalism, existentialism, and Platonism). Settling into my academic environment, I look forward to honing a thorough comprehension of French culture through the enjoyable yet cerebrally stimulating classes, students, and readings.

The exciting opportunity to view other student's writing skills and techniques is a necessary aspect of the college experience; and I am patient for the opportunity to apprehend such inspiration, which will bolster a creative expansion and reconstruction of my own writing style. The valuable comments and critiques on submitted essays provided by prospective professors will also enable me to revise and compose exhaustive compositions with minimal errors.

It is my ultimate goal to absorb these vast knowledge's and rousing experiences so that I may complete my pre-mature cinematic criticisms on the meaning and use of dichromatic film and its correlation to the existentialist battle of freedom( Wim Wender's Wings of Desire and Federico Fellini's 8 ˝); and possess a deeper ability in understanding Jean Paul Sartre's Being and Nothingness, Immanuel Kant's Critique of Pure Reason, and Friedrich Nietzche's Thus Spake Zarathustra so that I may finish with decorum my attempt to parallel the proliferation of materialism, gluttony, and the depletion of will to the Superman to modern day empiricism. It is also my current understanding that with the annex of such aspects as stated above I will continue to enjoy writing screenplays and short stories, and editing and producing short films.
iamesthere 4 / 15  
Dec 28, 2010   #2
I thought this was very well-written and you gave a lot of detail about uhow a liberal arts education will benefit you. I liked who you went indepth with how you want to major in french and such. Great job! Mind reading my colorado college one? :)
njanaye 3 / 9  
Dec 28, 2010   #3
you should add something saying what you learned at their school and how it will help you progress further when you transfer.
CrimeanGurl 1 / 17  
Dec 28, 2010   #4
I think you should lay off the thesaurus. Kudos to you if, in fact, your vocabulary is as versatile as this essay attempts to demonstrate, but all the pompous words you're using make the whole thing sound pretentious. In all honesty, I have had more difficult time processing this essay than "The Republic", "The Prince", and "The Origin of Species" combined. You have great ambitions, so show the admission officers how enthusiastic you're about them, rather than how capable you're of perusing the dictionary.
OP cdyal87 3 / 15  
Dec 29, 2010   #5
No, in fact I did not use a thesaurus. I think that if anyone attempted to comprehend or analyze Plato, Machievelli, or Darwin they would find no comparison between their writings and mine. It with this assertion that I think you should read Book III of the Republic, and I think then you will disagree with your own statement. Was it empiricism that you did not understand? Thank you for the advice to palliate my essay's "underrlying" verbosity.
Lightning55 3 / 11  
Dec 29, 2010   #6
cydal, I agree with CrimeanGurl. You should try to tone down your vocabulary just a bit. To me, it also sounds pretentious. That is not the image you want to be giving to colleges.

I am buoyant of multiple relationships blossoming from academic endeavors.

I will enjoy a further commencement of writing screenplays and short stories, and editing and producing short films.

Do you really think buoyant and commencement are the best words you can use here? This is just an example. On the whole, I feel like I'm reading a philosophy book without the depth. The "big" words distract from the meaning of the essay. Also, try not to think of this as entirely formal. Do you normally use such verbose words while talking to your friends and family (provided it is not a philosophic discussion)? The essay doesn't seem very comprehensive. Yes you do describe what you want to do, but what have you done so far to lead you there?

Just some food for thought. I think you need to add more of yourself into the essay.
OP cdyal87 3 / 15  
Dec 29, 2010   #7
Lightning55, thank you, for the constructive criticism. I will most certainly add examples and experiences of what I have done so far that has lead me to my current ambitions. And, yes, I do use these words when talkking to my parents, and they're constantly aggrevated with me. :). Have you heard that album (food for thought)?
CrimeanGurl 1 / 17  
Dec 29, 2010   #8
By no means was I comparing the substance of the aforementioned books with that of your essay or was I trying to flaunt my knowledge - I was talking about the style of writing. Being familiar with these works, I think you would agree that the way in which they are written differs greatly from that of contemporary prose or classical fiction. Such style does make it more difficult to comprehend what exactly the author is trying to say as certain ideas get entangled in the intricacies of the language. To my knowledge, very few people read Darwin or Machiavelli for pleasure - undoubtedly meaningful, their works are hardly a delightful read. So my point, which Lightning55 has summed up very nicely, is that you should lighten up the style of your writing and make admission officers feel like they are reading an exciting and enjoyable short story, not a scientific treatise required by the curriculum. Sorry, if you found my opinion unnecessary critical.
turntablespp 6 / 41  
Dec 30, 2010   #9
My direct and simplistic reasoning's for transferring to ...
... I desire to procur e (?) scholarly independence from ...

I feel that your language gets in the way of reading the essay, I can tell that these words are "synonyms" of the words you had originally. Maybe cut down on that. But over all well done.

and thanks for reading my essay!
OP cdyal87 3 / 15  
Dec 30, 2010   #10
Is this an enjoyable yet mature read? Any sentence structure errors- confusing meaning? And most importantly, do I answer the question thoroughly?
Thanks! I will return the favor.
aiswim 4 / 28  
Jan 1, 2011   #11
Honestly, I think your vocabulary is great. But perhaps that's just because I personally love rich language and tend to use formal words much too often.

I can see in your revised essay that you simplified your sentences, and that makes your thoughts MUCH clearer.

Overall, good work.
Sorry if I was too late on giving you feedback-- I haven't been on this website in a couple days.

Best of luck!
happygolucky 1 / 10  
Jan 1, 2011   #12
My passion is to major in French and minor in Philosophy
^ i don't think you should use the word passion here
cindyd87 2 / 8  
Jan 1, 2011   #13
miss anthropic, thanks! I do have a tendency to write with slight verbosity. I believe this comes from my constant reading of Dickens, Joyce, or Sartre.

Your advice was very helpful. Here is what I have revised.

My direct and simplistic reasoning for transferring to a Liberal Arts College at this time is to obtain a higher degree than my Associate in Arts; and, more importantly, as I have graduated from a community college, I wish to delve into a methodical, yet creative, academia.

I also revised several other sentences, but you have done enough. Thanks again! Your critique was very helpful.

Do you think I will bore the admissions office to death with this essay? It is too professional sounding?
etaang 4 / 40  
Jan 1, 2011   #14
Your writing is filled with ungrammatical phrases and incorrect word choices; what you call "slight verbosity" is more or less just an immature level of writing. If you were to write succinctly, I'm sure that your work would be much more successful.

Content-wise, nothing in your essay stands out as being sincere or meaningful. All of the reasons you listed for why you want to transfer are incredibly generic and uninteresting to read. As was noted by the previous poster, at times you seem to be getting carried away with yourself (dropping a painting, novel or some other literary work every few sentences just makes you sound pretentious).

On a final note, you won't be able to fool adcoms into thinking that you have a certain degree of cultural literary or intellectuality; as such, there's no need to jump around from topic to topic (why you want to go to a LAC -> your major -> existentialism?).

Your essay isn't bad because it's "too professional sounding"; your essay is bad because it just sound so fake.
cindyd87 2 / 8  
Jan 2, 2011   #15
Thanks, etaang! I had a slight feeling that it did sound too professional. But I really wanted the admissions office to see that I have an exact idea of what I want to obtain when I transfer/the objectives I hope to achieve. I will revise and repost.

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