I am trying to transfer to Occidental from Brown. My application is due on the 15th of March any feedback will be greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance.
Here's the prompt: There are thousands of colleges and universities. Why are you applying to Occidental? What distinguishes it from your other choices?
Here is my essay:
For the most part, my life has been driven by my curiosity. At a very young age Mother Nature's wonders grabbed my attention and I soon became interested in the world surrounding me. With this came my love for science, particularly biology. I decided to attend Brown University with the intention of exposing myself to a new atmosphere. Coming from a small high school made up of primarily Hispanics, I thought attending a larger and more diverse school would give me an opportunity to grow as an individual. Even though I was ecstatic about the diversity Brown had to offer, I had trouble adapting to the size of my new home. My struggle to adjust to my new environment has had an impact on my overall performance as an intellectual. My time at Brown has contributed to my growth as a young adult making me aware of the importance of communal support. Brown is an amazing school, however, I have come to realize that no matter how amazing a school may be an individual must feel a personal connection with the school to make the most of what it has to offer.
By attending Occidental, I can continue to pursue a prestigious education in an environment better suited to my needs and personality. In addition to having all classes taught by professors rather than TAs, Occidental offers small classes in which I will be seen as an individual rather than just another student in an audience of 200-plus. This individualized attention will help me regain the close relationships I was accustomed to prior to my enrollment at Brown. Occidental's unique location creates a small community within the larger community of Los Angeles, giving a small liberal arts school a wide range of resources. Here, I will become involved in my community's low-income dental clinics. Occidental's unique hands-on approach to learning makes Occidental an exceptional school. I believe this is an important aspect of an education that is often overlooked by most colleges. In order for a student to thrive in the real world, they must have more than just academic knowledge; experience is what shapes an individual. Even though Occidental College does not specialize in pre-dentistry, all of the superb aspects that make Occidental unique will help shape my character as an intellectual and, above all, provide the perfect setting for me to gain the experience I need to succeed in my life as a professional.
In order for a student to thrive in the real world, theyhe or she must have
Very nice essay!
I'm trying to transfer to oxy too! Good luck to you!
Hi Jessica, you write beautifully. I want to mention something about "however," however. You should not use it in exactly the same way as "but."
Brown is an amazing school, however, but I have come to realize that no matter how amazing a school may be an individual must feel a personal connection with the school to make the most of what it has to offer.
-------------I sometimes use "However" at the beginning of a sentence, but never in the middle like this. Google around about the correct usage.
I don't really like the word prestigious here, and actually I don't like the sentence at all:
By attending Occidental, I can continue to pursue a prestigious education in an environment better suited to my needs and personality. It is great if you can revise this reasoning so that it focuses on your particular career interests, your specializations of interest, etc. Do not focus on prestige, class size, or location. Focus on your plan and your goal.
Occidental's unique hands-on approach to learning makes Occidental an exceptional school. Nah, I think you are reaching here for something to say. It is really important to renew your focus on the specific goals you are trying to achieve and use this essay to explain your plan.
Your writing is very impressive!
