Hi! This is my common application essay that I wrote and the more I read it, the more I absolutely hate it :( I just need some really honest, brutal if necessary, feedback on this piece!!!
My thoughts: I feel as though I tried to accomplish too much and therefore the essay wasnt personal anymore. I was born in HongKong, lived in Korea, Czech Republic, Poland, Slovenia, Russia, and then went on to two boarding schools in America. Just wanted to show how these moves affected my life- the culture, values, experiences, etc... I just couldn't leave anything out!
Thanks in advance
Prompt: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
They kicked the door off its hinges and raged into the house. Try to imagine how horrified I was when five ruffians, trying to intimidate our family, stormed in and robbed us in the middle of one day. I was 7 years old and aghast at the sight of my crying mother, whose face was crimson with anger and fear. While her hands were bleeding from shattered glass trying to stop those bulky bullies, I was helpless. All I could do was sit in a corner, cover my ears from the screaming and smashing, and cry.
"It's all over. It's all right," my mother muttered. Despite the pervading pain she smiled, and I wiped the tears off my sullen face with cold, shaking fingers.
Although this occurred in Slovenia, I recalled the incident late one night while riding the Moscow metro. "How did I get here?" I often wondered. Looking back, my life had always been an endless train ride, never settling. There was one benefit, however, to this itinerant existence: Each stop was unique, and you could learn a lot from each place.
Trying to hark back to life in Hong Kong, where I was born, I could only guess that it was like Korea, where I moved to two years later. Visions of the scintillating city, the wet, wild fish markets and the gentle mist that topped skyscrapers, supported my memory. The Asian culture instilled in me that man is a humble being who must show respect and deference, but only did this tenet sink in when I lived amid the racism of European countries - the Czech Republic, Poland, Slovenia, and Russia.
My European friends would shout "Ahnyong!" at me, squinting their eyes, torturing me ruthlessly. I remember punching a wall till the bricks were stained red, but instead of despising my race, I realized something -- my European peers knew they were the best. So I adopted this pride and confidence into my own life. They also stressed the importance of family, and I came to appreciate late night strolls with my family under honey-colored lights on the Charles Bridge in Prague. Each step on that Bohemian sandstone was bliss.
But just when life seemed perfect and the moving had stopped, I decided to push myself by going to boarding school in New York. However, I found the work unchallenging and the environment too familiar, so I transferred to one of the top schools in America, where I emulate the best.
Perhaps this train ride wasn't so bad. It left me seeking for more. I've been uprooted from my many homes; eight times in all, twice by my own volition, once because of thugs. Each time, not only did I pick up another stamp on my passport and a good deal of mileage, but I also took with me an inordinate number of priceless experiences. The exciting thing for me is that there is so much more to learn, so many places to see, so many challenges to overcome. And right now I want to be challenged.
Any thoughts after you read this?
Hey,
I think your essay has a lot of promise, but it's got some major issues. In the last paragraph for example you talk about the "inordinate number of priceless experiences" you've had, yet you only really describe one in the essay (walks with your parents) and even then it comes a sentence after punching a wall till you bled.
other issues: "raged into the house" sounds a little strange. try stormed, burst, rushed, forced, etc.
: the image "bulky bullies" created in my mind put a smile on my face when i read it. It's too cute. You don't want that.
:"screaming and smashing, and cry"- should be crying.
:European friends who "torture" and bully you are probably not your "friends"
:"The Asian culture instilled in me that man is a humble being who must show respect and deference, but only did this tenet sink in when I lived amid the racism of European countries - the Czech Republic, Poland, Slovenia, and Russia." This sentence is very important and should be emphasized, even perhaps the base of your essay (if it isnt already). You can talk about how the adversity you've faced in your life has taught you that respect and deference (which are synonyms, so cut one out) are not always valued but are extremely important, and how this realization has changed/influenced you as a person.
:"when I lived amid the racism of European countries - the Czech Republic, Poland, Slovenia, and Russia"-makes you sound a little hateful and racist
:you talk about how your "racist" european "friends" influenced you and kind of showed you how to live. They shouldn't directly shape who you are in your essay, but rather their actions should shape the resilient and tolerant person you are today.
:In terms of the overall format of the essay you should group the stories of adversity together, then begin a discussion about how they changed you and influenced the person you are today through the use of the idea you bring to the table in this sentence: "The Asian culture instilled in me that man is a humble being who must show respect and deference"
Overall I obviously think it needs some work (organize your ideas), but you've got a great story that would make a great essay. I'd say this is a great start, you've laid the groundwork and thoughts for an exceptional and unique essay. Talk to a teacher. Have as many people read it as you can.
best,
spfeufer
Hi, a few things:
It seems to me that you have a separation between the beginning and end of your essay. I can see where you transition to the part about moving. In this sentence:
Although this occurred in Slovenia, I recalled the incident late one night while riding the Moscow metro. "How did I get here?" I often wondered. The "How did I get here" part of this statement sounds unnecessary.
Looking back, my life had always been an endless train ride, never settling.
This sounds a little corny, maybe say the same thing but in different words?
Its hard to say exactly what needs to be changed... the paper seems to go back and forth between a fact of your life, then a descriptive sentence, then a fact. I think it is a bit disjointed. Your content is great, and you have an interesting story. Good luck in school!
