The nervousness that I'm already beginning to experience is almost overwhelming, and I haven't even applied yet! Having some checking-over of my second and third supplemental essays for my Stanford application would help so so much; any sort of help would be VERY appreciated! I'll be more than happy to check over your essay as well, if you would like.
Second question- Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.
"Dear roommate,
You and I might come from completely different backgrounds, but I have no doubt that we can establish a relationship that will last. To kick things off though, you're probably wondering what this "Phillip guy" is all about.
Something that I would consider noting immediately is that living with me, you will quickly find that I love to read. Don't be surprised if I manage to litter my side of the room with books, especially after I get comfortable and have found the time to get back to leisurely reading. I'm most into modern classics like Catch-22 and The Great Gatsby but I'm always on the lookout for something new. Books that I really enjoy tend to find a way of making themselves a permanent fixture in my environment.
When it comes to my passions, one might consider me somewhat of an oddball. On one side, you have a guy who plays trombone in the marching and concert bands, who teaches himself piano on weekends whenever he's bored. Particularly Coldplay covers, with a little Beethoven here and there. On another side, you have a guy whose passion for sports (in particular, Cardinal football) often reaches a level that truly brings the word "fan" to another level. There's also the guy who enjoys building Java programs that serve no true purpose, unless you consider developing a program that sets an ideal budget for living on a foreign planet to have an underlying rationale. You may call it odd, but I call it fun.
I think of myself as fairly sociable and adventurous, but also come off as reserved and calm at times; it really just depends on the mood of the day. All in all, it's important that you understand that I don't plan on being in the room much. I'd rather not experience Stanford from the dorm, although I'll certainly try to make it as homely as possible. Don't worry though, it's not you; in fact, I'd love for you to join me. Let's leave a legacy here together that lasts well beyond our graduation, and for that matter, our lifetime."
Third question- What matters to you, and why?
"Staring down the field, sixty some odd yards away, I see my destination- the end zone. But this isn't the same end zone that most people associate with the gridiron. I hope to reach it in the same way a running back does, but instead of cradling a football, I'll be catching a disc.
Ultimate Frisbee is a sport that not many are all that familiar with, although it is one of the fastest growing sports in the country. Before my freshman year of high school, I'd never seen frisbee as anything more than a picnic game. Now, I realize that is can be so much more than that and it's come to be something that I have quite the passion for. After dealing with an ankle injury that effectively ended my basketball career and what looked like any chance of playing sports again, Ultimate came along and changed everything for me; in only a few years, it has truly become a part of who I am. It has taken me to places I otherwise would never have been able to experience and to people I now call family. Being a part of a tight-knit team brings about a sense of belonging that is not always easy to satisfy, and that's exactly what I've found in Ultimate. Participating in several tournaments throughout the year, my team continues to grow closer together and because of these experiences, I now consider them to be some of my closest friends. Being the oldest generation of frisbee players at our school, we often take the lead in teaching the younger students the fundamentals of playing. Having the chance to instruct others on something that has meant so much to me brings about a joy within that is truly indescribable.
This sport has provided me with so many unbelievable opportunities and has been a catalyst in creating everlasting memories in my life in a way that no other thing has been able to. Leaping into the air, flying above all others to grab the disc, I achieve a sense of incredible satisfaction. Nothing can replicate the way I feel when I'm playing Ultimate Frisbee."
Thanks!!
I know this might be tedious, but I would try to add some aspects of show not tell like when you describe what ur side of the room would be.
Instead of "Particularly Coldplay covers, with a little Beethoven here and there."
Use "Especially the progressive covers of Coldplay, accompanied with the titters and ascending notes of Beethoven's classics"
That is mostly I think that will stregthen ur essay. Hope I could help;)
Please look at mine too!
I spy with my little eye another FHSite.
I agree with historyfreak13 on the show, not tell technique. Some of the MIT blogs have some information on that if you're interested.
The roommate letter has a lot of voice in it and you add a lot of information in a short space. Ending in my opinion is a little cheesy, but hey, it definitely adds to voice.
The second essay really ties frisbee back with your personality.
Adding some details and imagery could help with visualization.
I didn't catch any grammar mistakes, but then again it's late.
Edit: I almost forgot! Good luck with Stanford!
On another side, you have a guy whose passion for sports (in particular, Cardinal football) often reaches a level that truly brings the word "fan" to another level. The use of level twice in this sentence is a bit repetitive to me. You could change the first one to point or a different synonym.
I agree with the other two posters too about using more imagery and describing things more of you. That's all I got. Great job and good luck with Standford!
