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"I offend people with my honesty and weird questions" -Stanford, a letter to roommate


arnold1992 2 / 2  
Dec 31, 2010   #1
Please feel free to correct my grammatical mistakes and tell me what you think I can improve on, Thank you
What's up Roomie,
I can't even put my excitement in words! I've been looking forward to be in an environment that is filled with intellectual conversation as well as open-minded peers for so long. I'm a very easygoing person, my friends used to describe me as a toilet, because I would take in all emotions they threw at me, and I would also flush away their sadness as well as anger. Though I don't think the imagery of a toilet is the best representation of myself but feel free to share your story with me, I am a very good listener.

I have an unbelievable addiction to movies; I love all genres of movies, from history to chick-flick, we could even create our own movies! I understand that everyone has a unique life, so to state that there will be no conflict between our life styles would be way too ideal, but there's one thing I can promise: I will always resolve any issue in the most genial way possible. I'm also a person that is filled with curiosity and honesty, I love to listen to all kinds of different crazy ideas, but sometimes I offend people with my honesty and weird questions. With that being said, if I ever offend you in any ways feel free to slap me!

P.S. Don't really slap me, maybe verbally.

Your future roommate,
Arnold
theomgwtf 1 / 4  
Dec 31, 2010   #2
try to find another word for "addiction" the connotation is too negative. Other than that you have a pretty good/odd essay.

I'm also a person that is filled with curiosity and honesty, I love to listen to all kinds of different crazy ideas, but sometimes I offend people with my honesty and weird questions.

This is a comma splice, so you should correct it.

Last sentence is awkward, try taking out the "any ways."

Good luck!
Mixta666 2 / 11  
Dec 31, 2010   #3
Interesting/weird letter, I would certainly be shocked if I got it :)
At the beginning you say that you have been waiting for so long to be in an environment filled with intellectual conversation as well as open minded peers.

Why? Is it that where you were, there were no such people? And what do you exactly mean by intellectual conversation? Does that mean you want to discuss world issues with your roomate or what? I think you'd be surprised that people are just..normal.

Also you say that you are known to flush away people's anger and sadness, but at the end, warn that your character traits of being sometimes brutally honest can actually cause anger or sadness to the extent that you can get someone to want to slap you...I see a contradiction of sorts..

Sorry for the criticism, just want to help..
Comment on my threads as well if you can, am just about to post Stanfords.
brookelanae 7 / 15  
Dec 31, 2010   #4
Alright, the overall idea of the essay is good. You have a hook, the toilet thing, to center the letter around. You do, however, have some grammatical errors and run-on sentences. And I believe that it would be in your best interest to find a way to better transition between subjects, I felt like you were jumping around all over the place.

"I can't even put my excitement in words! I've been looking forward to being in an environment that is filled with intellectual conversation as well as open-minded peers for so long. I'm a very easygoing person; my friends used to describe me as a toilet.because I would take in all the emotions they threw at me, and I would also flush away their sadness as well as anger. Though this is fitting, I don't think the imagery of a toilet is the best representation of myself. "

This is where it starts to get confusing. I would move the phrase "feel free to share your story with me, I am a very good listener." somewhere in the second paragraph, however the paragraph needs quite a bit of revision. Keep working on increasing the way it flows, and I believe it will turn out fantastic. [:

Would you consider helping me out as well?


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