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Office of Immigration Services - UC Essay- The inner Korean stuck with me


CubiksRuber 2 / 6  
Nov 18, 2012   #1
Very, very rough draft of my common app essay. Please comment willingly and with all criticism.

Option #1. Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
This August marked the one-year anniversary of my family's closest step toward the finish line - when I became a Permanent Resident here in the United States. The decades-long journey for American citizenship that I faced with my family members was suddenly given a jet-engine boost when our applications fell through for the Green Card. This summer really made me think over all the difficulties I faced, whether it was not being able to travel to places I wanted to, or take opportunities in education that required American qualifications. I remembered how my world was always split between Korean and American culture, and so I was, and still am, an imperfect hybrid body, a yin-yang of two nationalities.

The profound reason that separates me from my other Korean friends is that I am the first-generation immigrant, which identifies my birth in South Korea. I carry along with me unalienable mannerisms and traditions that only exist if you were born and raised under a infamous strict Asian parenthood. The inner Korean stuck with me, even as I grew up here in Los Angeles, and I just became more and more Americanized on the outside. As I progressed through grade school, I learned to speak fluent English, made a wide circle of friends, and witnessed some of America's biggest events right on its soil. Little did I know that throughout my educational opportunity, my parents struggled to renew visa after visa, because they originally did not have the money to pay for the Green Card's astounding cost. Year after year they pinched away as much savings as they could to apply and advance up in the wait list for permanent residence - a fact kept from me until I was 14 years old. My parents did their best to keep the waitlist a secret from me until we were placed higher and given a possible chance for a Green Card interview.

The fateful opportunity finally arrived in the mail during the winter break of 2010. My family finally received a chance to head downtown and hold an interview about our life here in America at the Immigration Services building. I felt so nervous being dressed up in a suit and waiting for an hour until my name was called. Years of hope was riding on this interview, but I managed to keep my cool and push through. Three weeks later a large package came in the mail with our four permanent residence cards. It really was a green colored card - I thought that was just a nickname for it. Holding the slim, magnetic rectangle in my hands, it felt like I just covered half my goal to becoming an American citizen in a single bound. I could not help but feel so grateful, and so understanding of all the other peers and families I knew who were not as fortunate as I was to receive the card that year. All those years of filing papers, meeting with lawyers, and anxiety swirled around in my mind, clouding out all my other thoughts. Now that I had the opportunity to become a citizen, I felt even more empowered and inspired to reach the finish line - where I could fully become a citizen of the only country I know, and pledge allegiance to the shimmering flag that stood tall in the green card.

Since last August, the impact my permanent residence has been significant. I am no longer the anxious student who felt like Los Angeles was his only boundary. I am now the confident, optimistic, and eager man ready to enter college, study abroad, and make a difference in my community because I am that much closer to achieving my lifelong goal.
refreshing 1 / 5 1  
Nov 23, 2012   #2
hi, your article is great, I can hardly think of anything you need to improve on . One thing, I think UC is not a member of the common application; they sort of have their own application system, and what you are writing now is obviously not what they are asking for... though I think it can fit for prompt 1 of the UC essays
welc2774 3 / 5  
Nov 23, 2012   #3
In the beginning of your essay you capitalize Permanent Resident and Green Card and later in the essay these words are not capitalized, I do not believe they need to be capitalized but if you insist, just make it consistent.

Good luck on your application!
OP CubiksRuber 2 / 6  
Nov 23, 2012   #4
I thought this prompt could also fit into the UC "prompt for all applicants" - Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
refreshing 1 / 5 1  
Nov 23, 2012   #5
yeah, looks like it.
OP CubiksRuber 2 / 6  
Nov 23, 2012   #6
One more question - I was thinking about adding a more specific memory into the essay - like how I was sitting in the office, while the Immigrations officer went through the interview. Would that make the essay seem more of an experience to the reader, so that they could visualize the interview in my shoes?
refreshing 1 / 5 1  
Nov 23, 2012   #7
that's good idea to go for the second prompt. Be sure to add some in depth analysis and reflection on how this experience has made the person you are today. Try to emphasize more about your quality because I think UC is trying to seek your academic potential in the first prompt and good qualities and spirits in the second. And as for your essay, I feel you may have depicted a person, a family who were so desperate for green card that they became just like any immigrants. Don't fall cliche, let the ad officers know who you are behind the fact that you wanted an identity so badly. Sorry if I have gone harsh.
OP CubiksRuber 2 / 6  
Nov 23, 2012   #8
Thanks you guys. I'm rewriting as we speak. And I welcome any additional comments :X


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