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Ohio State University - imagining 5-year-old myself - Essay for Honors Program


nxst1316 1 / -  
Feb 1, 2016   #1
Hi everyone,
This is my essay for OSU Honors. Although I have submitted it, I really want some advice to help me improve my writing skill, especially the way to narrate a short story professionally and put my academic concern in. This is also my first post in our forum, so I apologize for any mistakes I unintentionally made. Thanks!

Prompt: How would your five-year-old self see you today? Considering your past experiences and your future ambitions, who do you feel you are becoming now? In what ways are those two images congruent, or divergent?

(350-500 words)

In my living room, there is a picture of my 5-year-old self. Whenever I come back home after a semester, I often tell my mom that I looked exactly like a little swine at that time. Then mom laughs at a contrast between my skinny body now and the overweight kid I used to be. For me, I imagine my 5-year-old self would be pleased to see that I have become a tall guy. However, were he to consider my perspective on life apart from my appearance, he would be also disappointed.

"The little swine" might be fat, but he was very energetic. He once furtively took a strip of table cloth to make an ugly cloak, then wore it and proudly called him "the dark knight". He even combined three coiled springs from his father's pens to create an imaginative gun. As a usual practice, every afternoon, he forced his parents to use that gun to shoot him while "the dark knight" was joyfully riding his dog! In contrast, I do have lots of ideas now but do not have enough courage to actualize my plans. I want to measure the change in acceleration based on different gradients, but I hesitate over the availability of physics equipment for schools. I want to make fireworks at my rented flat, but I fear of my landlord's objection. If he could talk to me, "the little swine" would say, "Why have you lost your confidence just because of irrational anxiety?"

"The little swine" was willing to take risks and never changed his mind. Curious about how a stapler works, he even used it on his thumbnail! Having wanted to be the most important player in football, he did not let his friends take over his position as a striker. How about me? I am contented to change my views for benefits of the majority. If he met me now, "the little swine" would say, "This world offers you endless chances to explore and retry, so why should you care about others?"

It is hard to explain the social factors to a 5-year-old kid, and it is equally hard for that kid to justify the need of youthful exuberance to a pre-college student. However, we still have things in common. We love exploring the world: "the little swine" preferred trial and error process by taking impetuous decisions; I prefer research by reading books and using my logical reasoning. We love role-playing: my 5-year-old self desired to be in the spotlight; I want to be a mediator who establishes agreement. Even when "the little swine" might find it modest if he knew I want to be a biochemist, I would explain that, his curiosity is my motivation for solving technical problems, and his stubbornness is my catalyst for overcoming the limit of mundane thoughts. Eventually, I believe that my 5-year-old self will be satisfied with my choices, because he and I is only one unique person.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Feb 1, 2016   #2
Hi Nguyen. I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.
I have also made some corrections below that will hopefully enhance your essay.

- Whenever I come back home after a semester,
- For me, I imagine my 5-year-old self would

- I wouldcan explain that,
- Eventually, I believe that my 5-year-old self willis be satisfied with my choices,
- because hethat "little swine" and I is only one unique person.

There you have it Nguyen, I hope my corrections helped.
What I notice is your choice of words, you tend to be comfortable with the words you choose
that you didn't play with other words anymore, this is fine however, if you can incorporate other words
and experiment it will make your essay bolder and stronger.

I really hope my insights helped.
Interste11ar 2 / 1 1  
Feb 1, 2016   #3
-I often tell my mom that I looked exactly like a little swine at that time. Then momshe laughs
-contrast between my skinny body now and the overweight kid figure I used to beflaunt .
-"The little swine" might havebebeenfatchubby
-We both love exploring the world
-I believe that if my 5-year-old self could see me now, he wouldwill be satisfied with mythe choices I have made , because he and I isareonly one unique person.

Just several grammar corrections. I would advise to avoid stating the word fat, as it is a bit blunt for an essay, but it may not be that important.

Story telling was good, but just several grammatical errors could have been cleared up Good luck with OSU


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