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"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh," Panic's frantic scream echoed in the cavernous cave.


ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Jan 1, 2012   #1
This morning I suddenly stumbled across on an idea for a common app. essay. It's a Rough Draft so far, and most likely I think I'll stick with the first one, but I just wanted to hear your opinions on this essay? So...shoot!

Punctuation

"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh," Panic's frantic scream echoed in the cavernous cave. Practical traipsed in, the landscape transforming into a spotless office with glass framing all the sides of the room. Outside Personality painted the breathtaking image of a full moon whose luminescent glow touched everything, dousing all shadows before sitting cross-legged on the desk in the centre of the room. The trio gathered together for an impromptu council.

"It's probably just a joke." Personality broke the silence.

"Calm down Panic," Practical uttered, her tone impassive. "I'm sure it can be explained."

"How!" Panic shrieked deafeningly.

Practical and Personality read the message, while Panic had dropped on the ground cradling herself, rocking back and forth. Practical reread the message stroking her chin. After a moment of stern contemplation she murmured somewhat to herself. "Ahh, I see,"

"Well?" Panic stared intently at Practical.

"It's missing a period after 'love'," she smiled satisfied with the discovery.

"Really!" Personality flailed her arms. She had been twiddling her thumbs, but when she heard the 'discovery' she became incensed. "This was a waste of time. I'm out, gotta hit up that party. See ya'll later."

Relief washed over me. I had reread the text message several times and had come to the same dreadful conclusion. This occurred regularly, I seemed to be the only who took the time to punctuate when typing a message and that was something that quite frankly irked me. Communication in the written form is supposed to be objective -but throughout my years of texting and internet perusing I have learned that statements can be interpreted in several ways simply because of a misplaced comma, a loud exclamation point or a dodgy question mark.

English admittedly is not a strong suit for my mathematics induced mind. But even with my rudimentary grasp of the language, I knew that punctuation was one of its most important features. A simple exclamation point can do wonders: "I love you a lot, but I love myself more!" "I love you a lot! But I love myself more." They have the same words, but two completely singular meanings. The first one stresses the love that I have for myself while the second there is stress on the love I have for that person.

Maybe I was the only one who cared. My friends seemed content with heinously lengthy run-on sentences that morphed into mini-essays without even a glimpse of a period. I however, with my over-analytical mind needed the clean and exacting structure of a punctuated sentence to remain sane. I had carefully fashioned my life into precise categories and required everything to follow my meticulous structure.

Whenever a curb ball was thrown at me, with the aid of a few brackets and hyphens I always managed to contain the problem. (I also used brackets to explain little tidbits about the idiosyncrasies of I who I am and to clarify the quirky things I might say) I demonstrate my witty and sarcastic side with quotation marks. Question marks represented a query; while exclamation points represent my disbelief or zeal for life.

All and all, punctuation is something I adhere to. I play by the rules, (some may say this is 'uncool' behaviour but this is one instance where I was proud not to be a rebel) because I believe there is power in the written word -but it can only be effective if punctuated right!
OP deremifri 9 / 137  
Jan 1, 2012   #2
Although the beginning of the second essay is extraordinarily original,
you do not elaborate on the different sides of your being,
but on writing text messages.
So why the three characters in the beginning?
Also, you should write about something that is important to you, and personally I do not
really believe that you are really passionate about text messages.
So my suggestion: stick with the first essay, which is awesome.

Since you are a great editor, I would love if you could find the opportunity to go over my revised sadness essay and tell me what you think.
ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Jan 1, 2012   #3
Max

Lol, the first three characters were to demonstrate how my brain analyzes things, but now that I think about it, they don't in any bit connect to the rest of the essay. Though what you said a while ago gave me the idea of just using that beginning part to describe how my brain works. I was just trying a thing though, I'm really idle.

I'll take a look and thank you :)
pringles 6 / 36  
Jan 1, 2012   #4
Essay is very creative, I haven't seen anything like it, but it's missing the "so what" factor again. The question should be, what does this say about me? Did i grow as a person?

I would stick with your first essay. It was really well written by the third draft! I think you did a great job of clarifying the thought jumping you had problems with earlier

If you could take a look at my common app essay, that would be amazing :)
OP deremifri 9 / 137  
Jan 1, 2012   #5
one thing:

isn't it supposed to be
regarded my twin sister and me
also:
we are all rich, athletically disinclined nerds.
and someone who worked hard to get good grades, I am a living testimony
I must say that I do not really see the contradiction between being a nerd and someone who works hard to get good grades.
But other than that it is, as already mentioned, well, countless times, awesome.

By the way, props to creating a thread with 45 posts :)
ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Jan 1, 2012   #6
Max

No, I actually think I is correct (my twin just gave me a 'duhr' look) so.
Mhmmm, I thought about that myself, but I see nerds as people who are naturally smart/intelligent without studying. So then it would contrast. I'll make a reference so that the AO will know.

LOL its only 45 posts because I reply so much. Majority are mine.
Thanks again dude ;)

I want it to be perfect. Curse my perfectionist nature.
jadore_lamode68 6 / 37  
Jan 1, 2012   #7
How did you get so many people to edit you essay!?!?!
As if it needs any work! lol

This is really amazing what you've done. Your vocabulary and word choice is right on.

I would maybe add another trait which an admission officer would find desirable. You mentioned being a "maximier" of sorts but you can

expand on that to include other things.

Just my opinion, best of luck
ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Jan 1, 2012   #8
Uchenna

Haha, I comment a lot on others, I guess it comes around. #karma.
Thanks for the compliments though :)
I'll see what I can do about adding something else. It'll be hard, but we'll see.

Thank you!!!
22kcox 5 / 22  
Jan 1, 2012   #9
Its interesting and very well written, the topic is obscure to me though... I don't really get an idea of who you are except that you're quite particular and just may have OCD. But the introduction was a very interesting take! I liked it! the entire essay had a sarcastic tone which was entertaining, but not honest. All in all it was good, and very entertaining, but doesn't portray an accurate image of yourself.
ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Jan 2, 2012   #10
SUBMISSION :)

Thank You all SOO Much for your help!


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