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"Old Pride" - 500 words personnal statement.


MonsieurWise 2 / 21  
Nov 14, 2009   #1
Hi, I want to apply to University of Pacific for their dental program... I did not know anything about this program until 2 days ago. The deadline is 15 November. I better be hurry... Please help me...!!

They ask for "a personal statement that let us know more about you than the scores you send us".
Limit 500 words.
Mine: Exactly 500.
Thank you very much in advance

------------------Old Pride------------------

"Anh, 30%. I am very, very disappointed in you!", my teacher announced by math score to the class. Every eye in the classroom turned to me. I could not believe my ears. I went up asking her if it was truly my name. It was. I panicky checked the answers, maybe my teacher made a mistake? No, he graded it right. Suddenly, I realized I just received the worse math grade I have ever known of.

Ten months before, at the beginning of my 8th grade, I was introduced to online video games. It was so attractive that I started sneaking out of school, skipping classes just to "level up." I would lie to my mom that I was doing homework to find an exotic weapon for my character in the game. As a result, my grades went down. When my teachers and parents recognized the cause, it was too late; I was addicted. I went from being a good student to a hopeless case.

I was trapped in an unending spiral. Whenever I felt disheartened by the real world, I found refuge in the game. My condition worsened. Yet, the worse I got, the deeper I had to hide myself in it. I was too frightened to deal with what I had become, so whenever they talked about my grade, I snapped back:"I study math only! I don't like the rest of the subjects, because they are pointless!" Math was my favorite subject. I could get a fairly good grade without studying for it. Protected with an excuse, I plunged back into the game...

Then the fateful day came, shoving me back mercilessly to the real world. The dreadful 30%! It was an accumulation of many skipping days and missing lessons. My final excuse was crushed; I became the worse math student in the class! I cried. My friends could not console me; I believe no one could that day.

Alone in my room that night, for the first time in a long time, I took all the courage and look back. I saw my old image, my old pride vanished. I could not describe myself anymore. What had I become? A worthless "nobody." Such recognition stung my conscience ruthlessly. I never wanted to be worthless! I worth something! Suddenly, I realized I would have to stand up and fix my mistakes. I realized, I wanted to be proud of myself again.

That summer, I made my objective: To regain what I had lost at any cost. The next school year, I asked one of my old math teachers to tutor me what I had missed during 8th grade and begged my best friend to help me with writing and French. I unplugged the computer, promising myself that for the whole year I would not even plug it back. Video game was out of my world. I studied days and nights.

One year gone by. Then, one morning, three weeks after the graduation exam, a letter came. "Results," it read. I opened it, heart pumping, and then made the biggest smile I have ever made; it was my score. It was high, and came with it an acceptance letter of one of the best high schools in my country! I felt happy, I felt pride, I felt relieved. I was out. My life was back. I had proved that I am still useful, both to myself and my society. I knew I was not those who lost their life to their own obsession, I knew I was someone special, someone "more", and...I was right.

Now, I am pursuing for something better for my future: a good education. I have no fear of challenges ahead, because I know, that inside, my old pride will always guide me.
Haderdaraide 2 / 3  
Nov 14, 2009   #2
I love the essay! Cutting from a sense of imprionment to freedom and expressing yourself! Excellent!
I just have one question...Was the game World of Warcraft? I had the same problem It totally took over my life. I cut it out also and it really helped me in everything that I did!

The only thing I would say on improvment is have your English teacher or another peer proof read it and correct some of your tense changes. It got a little confusing towards the middle.

But overall, the essay was great! I wish you luck in your chances for dental school!

If you can check out my essay's and tell me what you think!
OP MonsieurWise 2 / 21  
Nov 14, 2009   #3
Hey Hader, I just read your essay. I don't know why I can't reply on it, so I'll reply here, hopefully you'll read it.

You have to know that I'm not great at essay (being an high school Asian international student), I'll tell you what I think though.

I like your essay. Based on the prompt, I guess you are going for UCs. It was interesting for me to read about the view of a humanitarian.

I would think of you as a passionate person who really care about humanity. You are sensitive and determined (based on your "public speaking", your empathy with the old man, your position as head of the department...)

this is some part I feel strange:
"...but also did this while secretly for years fighting a deadly eating disorder, bulimia. (you should say a little bit about your feeling after knowing the disease here) . Her achievements have paved a path of ambition, spunk and determination for me as an individual."

And for essay #2: You should divided the last paragraph to get a good conclusion:
"...surprised me with a shock (separate here, change a bit to feel more natural) .As I walked into the mission..."
That's it :). I think your essay was distinctive. I hope you'll get into the school you wanted :D
And no, Wow did not come out that early. It was a very, very bad online game as I look back...But it was new at that time, so...^^.

Thanks for reading mine!
Kelsey1704 4 / 26  
Nov 14, 2009   #4
Hey, I live pretty close to UOP. It's a great school! Here are just some grammatical corrections.

Four years ago, I went through an incident that changed me entirely. It [a] ll started when I got addicted to online video games (why not just tell us the name of the game)in myeighth year of school. School and family became much less important. I was sneaking out of school just to "level up". My grades went down, my teachers and my parents tried to pull me out I would suggest something like, "my teachers and my parents tried to bring me back to the real world" , but to no avail. I went from being a good student, to a (seemingly) hopeless case.

---It was an unending circle. Whenever I felt disheartened by the real world, I found refuge in the game. My condition worsened, yet, the worse I got, the deeper I hide in it.I used every excuse to delve deeper and deeper into the game It was frightening to hear what I had become, so I resisted my parents' advice s,sometime in a cheeky manner. Inside, though, I wished that they couldwould be firmer on me, that they would not give up on me. They never knew that.

However, a shock awoken me:My final math test grade shoved me mercilessly back into the real worldI received my final math test. A 30%! I was stunned, I was humiliated! For the first time, I cried in public. Even my friends could not console me; that day, I do not think anyone could.

---Alone in my room that night, for the first time in a long time, I looked back. I saw my old image lost, my old pride crushed and defeated. I could not even describe myself anymore. What havehad I become? I knew it all along but never had had enough courage to ask. No, I never wanted to be a "nobody", I would never allow myself to! Suddenly, I realized that no one could aid me. (This reads a bit awkwardly. Maybe try something like, "I couldn't use excuses and online avatars as crutches any longer."To reclaim my life I would have to stand up and fix my mistakes.

---9th grade is the last, and most important middle school year in Vietnam. That summer I decided to regain what I had lost at any cost. I asked one of my old math teachers to tutor me, what I had lost during 8th grade and my best friend to help me with writing and French. I totally quit video games. I promised myself that for the whole year, whatever purpose it might be, I would not touch the computer.I vowed to myself that I would not touch the computer.

---The result was better than I could ever have expected. I caught up with my friends, even exceeded them at some subjects. At the end, I passed the graduation exam with a high score.By the end of the school year, I earned one of the high grades on the exit exam, and was accepted into one of the best high schools in Vietnam . I felt, again in my life, happy and proud.I was myself again.Not only because of what I had succeeded, but also because I had gotten out of my obsession. Many teens at my age never got out. I had proven that I was "somebody".

---How a person thinks of himself matter. Consider: "A person's opinion of himself matters the most." I always think of myself as Or, "I know I am" someone important, someone special, thus I was able to overcome the crisis Or, "and I am proud that I was able to overcome the crisis."I am here, writing this essay and pursuing for success, because I know, inside, my old pride would always guide me.
OP MonsieurWise 2 / 21  
Nov 14, 2009   #5
Wow...you must be very good at writing...thank you so much!!
kyleroland 4 / 7  
Nov 15, 2009   #6
that person using the red is very good haha. I liked ur essay a lot and cant offer that much. the only thing i would say is that u should include more about ur life in vietnam because thats not very important in this essay, but COULD be very powerful
bubba303 1 / 11  
Nov 26, 2009   #7
here are a few suggestions:

No, he graded it correctly .

Suddenly, I realized that I had just received the worst grade ever.

Ten months before, at the beginning of my 8th grade year , I was introduced to online video games.

I would lie to my mom about doing homework when instead I was trying to find an exotic weapon for my character in the game.

As a result, my grades plummeted completely .

whenever they talked about my (add an adjective to describe the grade you earned) grade

I studied days and nights (instead of stating it directly, try to give the reader an image of what it was like to study day and night, possibly like studying until the break of dawn... i don't know, but you can be creative right here.)

instead of 30%, spell out thirty percent

One year went by

good luck with the rest of the revision. read your essay aloud and then you'll be able to recognize certain parts that need to be fixed.
OP MonsieurWise 2 / 21  
Nov 26, 2009   #8
Ah, thank you! And I forgot to post the prompt:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

please continue to help me T.T
twizzlestraw 12 / 95  
Nov 26, 2009   #9
I don't really see how you were prideful in the situation. I see how you showed preseverance... Also, pride has a bit of a negative connotation.

I was trapped in an unending spiral.
- I don't see how it was a spiral... Do you mean cycle?

Right now your fifth paragraph seems a bit melodramatic. You could resolve this by either toning it down, or using a more powerful description for your addiction- I suggest the latter. How did you feel when you played a video game? What was it about video games that made you addicted? The thrill of winning? The challenge? etc? Don't necessarily add a whole new paragraph to your essay, just give that aspect more depth.

Overall, your essay was interesting! I don't think it was boring at all. The only problem I had reading it, was knowing to take you seriously. At first I kind of thought this was going to be a lighthearted essay about your silly days playing video games, thus, the shift into an essay of deep personal growth, kind of felt abprupt to me. For that, I would say the same thing I said before. Really help the reader understand that you video game addiction wasn't something superficial.

Thanks for reading mine!
best of luck!


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