Im not really that great at writing essays but i have a pretty good story to write about. The question was If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances. All help is appreciated.
When my older brother David passed away four years ago, it changed my life.
David was an identical twin. Shortly before and during his birth, David and his brother Douglas were deprived of oxygen. Douglas died 22 hours after his birth. David survived the trauma of his birth but the deprivation of oxygen caused a
condition known as cerebral palsy which severely affects the nervous system. As he grew up it caused him to be wheelchair bound and unable to speak or feed hiself. He communicated by making a clicking sound for yes and using a moan for no.
In spite of his handicap, he was always smiling and loved it when people around him would act silly. He laughed so often that he earned the nickname "giggles" from his friends. He loved watching SpongeBob and sports with us. Everybody who met him seemed to love him because of his positive attitude. Even our dog loved him and the protection he felt from sitting under his wheelchair.
At age 19, my brother David passed away. There were over 400 people in attendance at his funeral. I was gratified to see all of the people he had positively influenced during his short life. It was amazing when people told me what an effect he had on their lives in spite of his being unable to speak or walk. It really showed me what a positive attitude could do, in spite of being physically handicapped, and what a difference it made to those around him.
There were many times when it was hard living with a handicapped brother because I was unable to do all the things I wanted to do. My mother often could not take me to play basketball because of the constant care he needed. There were meny times when my parents were unable to take me places because a babysitter was needed each time we went out.
Although many people would consider having a handicapped brother as a "bump in the road", I consider it a wonderful blessing because of the many important life lessons I learned from him. The most important thing I learned was that
you need to appreciate the God-given abilities that most people dont even consider. Things like the ability to walk, the ability to speak, or the ability to feed yourself. I am forever thankful that i am healthy and have no mental, physical, or emotional limitations. After realizing how much good my brother David did for people he came in contact with in spite of his physical limitations, it has made me become a more caring person and cause me to feel truly blessed to have had him as my brother.
This is a good story. But to make it fit the prompt, you have to spend more time on the "bump" by telling us how David's death shook you up. Right now, you move too quickly to platitudes about what you learned from his life.
Oh ok thanks. Ya I did stray away from the question a little bit. I'll work on it. Thanks.
Or you could talk about how you at first saw David himself as a bump, always requiring extra care, and then move to a discussion of how you came to see him as a wonderful addition to your life. To answer the prompt, though, you do need to add some sort of conflict to the narrative.
I looked back on the ucf website and one of the other questions for the essay is How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?. Do you think this essay would fit under this question?
It would fit much better for that topic, yes.
I looked back on the ucf website and one of the other questions for the essay is How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?. Do you think this essay would fit under this question?
Yes, absolutely. Then you won't have to worry about massaging the essay to make it fit the other topic.
Ok good. So the next question is did i make any gramatical or punctuation errors? Do i need to capitalize cerebral paulsy? And is there anything else i need to change before i submit the essay?
Do i need to capitalize cerebral paulsy?
No, but you do need to spell it correctly.
ok. well can someone correct any spelling or grammar errors in the essay before i submit it?
Do your own spell checking, then post a revised text here for a final grammar check.
