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'With my older brother' - Texas State Admissions


hcos711 1 / -  
Sep 5, 2012   #1
Topic A (Freshman)
Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

The bond between two brothers very unique and indestructible. My older brother, Frank Costa has made a very big impact on my life as we grew up in a suburb just outside of Houston. To most people, your little brother is an annoying pest and I was certainly no exception. Frank was always considered the wild child between the two of us; he was more outgoing and obnoxious while I was more shy and studious. People always compared my brother and I on things like our looks and our personalities. And of course there were plenty of the classic childhood disagreements and fights where you just wish you were an only child, but every time I had that thought I would think about how lonely it would be without him.

Like most of my friends I always looked up to my older brother as a role model and how we can fill their footsteps. Whenever my brother did something, then I had to try it also, when he joined the football team then so would I. When he played on the basketball team, I would join the same team the next year so that I could play with him. On the outside it looked like a brotherly competition, but to me it was just precious bonding time with my brother. As I entered into high school as a freshman, my brother a junior, I began to notice something. My brother's whole personality began to change; he became lazy and did not really care about anything except for being with his friends. And then I realized what had happened, he had been swept into the problematic life of teenage drinking and partying. I noticed his grades beginning to slip and there would be heated arguments between him and my parents. When most kids look forward to Fridays and the weekend I did not, I got a sick feeling in my stomach knowing that something may happen to him. Weather it would be a call from the cops that he was arrested or that he wrecked his car. I hated the person my brother had turned into but I never once stopped loving him. I pleaded with him to make a change, to better his life, and to have a bright future, but nothing seemed to work. Until he noticed that all of his friends were going off to college and he was staying home with his parents. And then I saw a gradual improvement by him obeying my parent's rules and realizing what he needs to accomplish in his life to be successful. He improved so much that my parents let him go to college in San Antonio so he can achieve his life goals.

I am not sure where I would be without my older brother. He is one of the most important people in my life and I love him more than anything. He showed me how to act, and certainly how not to act, and I always knew he would be there for me. I am very thankful for my brother, Frank Costa, and he may not have seen it but he was always my best friend.
kitcat - / 1  
Sep 5, 2012   #2
The essay is a good start but there is some revising that needs to take place. There are a number of sentences that begin with "And" which need to be taken out. For example:

And then I saw a gradual improvement by him obeying my parent's rules and realizing what he needs to accomplish in his life to be successful. He improved so much that my parents let him go to college in San Antonio so he can achieve his life goals.

Instead you can change it to say: Then, I saw a gradual imrpovement of my brother as he began obeying my parents rules...
lizziemando 1 / 6  
Sep 5, 2012   #3
The overall message of this essay is great. It grasps the readers attention when you talk about how your brother was become a druggie and all. It was attention grabbing and great.


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