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The older generations cannot pursue the new technologies -Extracurricular activity


vladic007 9 / 22  
Oct 11, 2010   #1
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer).

The older generations cannot pursue the new technologies. The reason senior citizens often have difficulty learning about technology is that technology was not taught when they were going to school. This issue has always been circling in my head. Since technologies and especially computers have always been my passion, I decided to contribute something to the solution of the problem and so I volunteered at school to teach other students the basics of the computer structure. I'm now sharing with others my knowledge and experience. Looking at the desire of these students to receive knowledge in this area, I tend to provide them with more details of how for example to increase the performance of the CPU without any harm to the computer. This activity also instills in me a belief that these young generations will not experience the same problems with the upcoming technologies as the older generations do.

How is this essay? Do I need to make some changes?
Please take a verify the grammar! Notify me if there is a need to change something.
sdinnu 2 / 5  
Oct 12, 2010   #2
i feel like this essay has good topic, but isnt written in the best way.
grammatically

already happing fast in our days

happening*

of how to choose correctly one's PC

needs rewriting

which pieces of hardware better interact one with another.

i think a specific example of this would replace this generalized statement

I cannot watch people, how they without knowing what they are buying and being persuaded by the seller, spend their money on a laptop that they think has a high performance and after some time they end up with an old technology workstation.

that sentence doesnt make much sense

maybe: I cannot bare to watch buyers purchase a laptop solely on the deceitful persuasion of a seller. Although they believe they have found a high performance machine, what they truel purchased was an overpriced, outdated piece of technology.

overall, good topic, shows insight, but needs some work to convey the message more strongly
OP vladic007 9 / 22  
Oct 13, 2010   #3
Thank you Dinesh for reviewing my essay. I took in account your advice to work on better on the message of the essay and as a result I have changed approximately everything.

So here is my new restructured essay.

Will this essay combine good with it's topic "Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer)."? Because in a way I'm talking more about a way I decided to take in order to solve a problem, and this way is through one of mine extracurricular activities.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 14, 2010   #4
This activity not only makes me practice my teaching skills, but also instills in me a belief that these young generations will not experience the same problems with the upcoming technologies as the older generations do.

Oh... finally, at the end I understand your point. I think you should add a sentence near the beginning... something like:
The older generations cannot pursue the new technologies. This issue has always been circling in my head. The reason senior citizens often have difficulty learning about technology is that technology was not taught when they were going to school. That is why I think teaching is important. Since technologies....

That will make it easier to understand.

:-)
OP vladic007 9 / 22  
Oct 16, 2010   #5
Thx Kevin for the review,
I made some changes.

150 words as needed. Now if there still need to be applied any changes please let me know.
Oh and by the way is the idea good enough?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 19, 2010   #6
I like this: This issue has always been circling in my head.

Yes, it's looking good. I like the specificity of the theme, This activity also instills in me a belief that these young generations will not [experience the same problems with the upcoming technologies as the older generations do].--- this part in brackets... if you want to make it better, you can come up with a clever way to express this.. something rhythmic and entertaining, because it is a cool concept that deserves to be expressed in a way that intrigues the reader.


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