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"I was once an introvert"; Benefit from and Contribute to


valm8 1 / 2  
Nov 29, 2007   #1
[[essay topic: How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. ]]

I was once an introvert but my exposure to the outside world led me to break out of my shell. One experience after another helped me improve into being the outgoing woman I am today. Growing up in an urban neighborhood and attending one of the most diverse schools in Jersey City, I do not think I will find it difficult to adjust to your university.

My interest in cosmetology originally evolved during my pre-school years. When I first saw the "Cut-my-hair" Barbie commercials, I was fascinated and wondered how her looks differed all the time. The process intrigued me. I thought it was something interesting that I wanted to do. Little did I know this was the beginning of a new passion. Excelling in cosmetology developed my adaptability. It required me to keep up to date with the latest hair fashion. I developed creativity by coming up with new and different ways to style hair as to reflect a person's individuality. It taught me to relate well and understand people and their needs. When my customer has an idea of what they want to look like, it is my job as a hairstylist to make it a reality. These experiences helped me work with people face-to-face. It is no doubt that taking up this course in high school help start building my communication skills.

While cosmetology molded my desire for a successful future, I am also interested in dancing. I always admired the [Dance team here ex:RAPS organization] and wanted to be a part of it. During my early years, I seemed to fall short of mastering dance skills. I thought I was going to give up. Though I had to undergo struggles making it to the top, my commitment and motivation pushed me to become better and stay focused. I also learned a valuable lesson. "The measure of a person lies in their ability to overcome failure, use it as a fuel for success." I am now a member of the dance troupe, "Urban." We combine different dance backgrounds that are admired from the city, such as hip-hop, break dancing, and popping. Today, we perform in social events and fund raising activities.

Since I was born and raised in America, my parents' country was foreign to me. After many visits to my hometown in Bantay, Philippines, I became very fluent in speaking our native dialect, Ilo Cano. Additionally, I was introduced to the "Bantay Bata" child welfare program. Their goal is to help protect children from child abuse. The lessons I learned during these experiences taught me teamwork and social awareness. They also prepared me for the multicultural environment I will face if accepted at [College here].

During my sophomore year, I was voted class treasurer. It elevated my self-esteem knowing that my classmates trusted me. It was definitely a challenge to be involved in many activities. Along with assisting and organizing events, it helped me polish my interpersonal skills. The responsibilities and trust will serve me well in an independent college surrounding.

With the knowledge and experience I have gained through recognized efforts and social events, I hope to bring these values with me to college. These helped me transform from this young shy girl to this young woman that continues to help people and make a positive impact in their lives. I believe that I can do anything to have [College here] proud of having me as a student. Attending your school can connect me to all aspects of my desired major in communications.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Nov 30, 2007   #2
Greetings!

You're a very good writer! I have only a few editing suggestions for you:

It is no doubt that taking [delete up] this course in high school helped me start building my communication skills.

"The measure of a person lies in their ability to overcome failure, use it as a fuel for success." - Is this a quote from a famous person? If the quotation is yours, don't put it in quotes; if it's someone else's, you need to give them credit.

These helped me transform from a young, shy girl to this young woman who continues to help people and make a positive impact in their lives.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP valm8 1 / 2  
Dec 10, 2007   #3
do you think this essay will also go along with these following essay topics:

1. "Explain your reasons for seeking admission to our college, including what you believe are your academic strengths and interests. Be certain to explain any situations that may have had an impact, either positively or negatively, on your academic record. Please list significant activities in which you have participated in and out of school. "

(***There's more i want to add onto this essay, such as my interest in fashion***)
i just want to know if this essay is good enough to leave it as it is.


2. "We'd love to learn more about you than just the basic facts and test scores. That's why we ask you provide a personal statement from 250-500 words. To help us understand you as an individual and not just an applicant, please tell us about a meaningful experience, such as volunteer work you've done, you're future dreams and goals, and anything else that defines you as your own person"

(is this essay perfect the way it is? my essay is about 590 words, i have to cut it down..)

3. "in 250 words, please tell us about your aspirations.. where you see yourself ten or fifteen years from now. this is not a formal essay. just let us know about the kind of person you want to become"

(****i dont know which part of the essay i should cut off, help please!!)

i was basically planning to send this same essay to other colleges, just need some suggestions what to do for each of the three.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Dec 11, 2007   #4
Greetings!

I think you can use it with slight modifications for all three:

1) You might want to stress your "academic strengths" a little more in order to comply with the prompt.

2) I think you could cut quite a bit of the paragraph on cosmetology to save words. You begin with such a strong emphasis on cosmetology that, the first time I read your essay, I missed what you said about how that prepared you for building your communications skills. You could cut it down to a sentence or two and perhaps blend it into the next paragraph.

3) You could mention your cosmetology experience, your visit to your parents' country, and your work as class treasurer all in a couple of sentences and then go on to talking about the person you want to become. This prompt will require the most editing. Try to think of it as a new essay, built from bits and pieces of the larger essay, and it will be easier to write.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP valm8 1 / 2  
Dec 14, 2007   #5
Thanks for everything btw, but I completely made a whole new essay. Hopefully it fits in because I am applying to two schools strictly for fashion. The previous essay was for another college to take up communications.

"Explain your reasons for seeking admission to our college, including what you believe are your academic strengths and interests. Be certain to explain any situations that may have had an impact, either positively or negatively, on your academic record. Please list significant activities in which you have participated in and out of school. "

Instead of watching my Nick Junior Saturday cartoons, I would wake up thrilled to go to my ice skating lessons. It paid off when I was given the opportunity to participate in the seasonal competition. I arrived at the Floyd Hall Arena going in for the gold medal. As I unzipped my jacket, I was ready to step on the ice to flash off my one-in-a-million ice skating outfit. What is my secret? My mother and I designed it. I had my own sense of style. I favored loud, bright colors, shimmery fabrics, and sparkly accessories. Nothing seemed to fit my personality as I browsed through the clothes rack, not to mention, very pricey. After practices, we would make frequent stops to Rag Shop and buy sample materials. The uniquely designed costumes befit my personality and made me stand out. Based on my childhood experience and my mother's influence, I feel that I will make a significant contribution to the fashion world.

While fashion molded my desire for a successful future, I always had an interest in Cosmetology. As a preschooler, I remember the moment I first watched the "Cut-my-hair" Barbie commercial. I wondered how her looks differed all the time. I was so intrigued and fascinated; I knew it was something I wanted to do. Inspired at the moment, I searched for the scissors somewhere in the kitchen drawer. I cut off a huge section of my mother's long, beautiful hair while she was sleeping. Little did I know, this was the beginning of a new passion, Cosmetology. Excelling in this subject developed my adaptability. It required me to keep up to date with the latest hair fashion by coming up with new and different ways to style hair, as to reflect a person's individuality. It has greatly affected me as an individual by making me a more creative person. When my customer has an idea of what they want to look like, it is my job as a hairstylist to make it a reality. Every Saturday, I am excited to have my internship at the hair salon. I developed my skills especially some hands-on techniques. It wasn't even about the money; it was more about the experience. This helped me work with people face to face. I became very close to my coworkers and customers which helped enhance good communication habits. At the same time, it was refreshing to get along with people of different life experiences, cultures, and points of view.

In between my studies in Fashion and Cosmetology, I was devoted to dancing. Though, I seemed to fall short of mastering dance skills. I thought I was going to give up. I had to undergo struggles making it to the top, my commitment and motivation pushed me to become better and stay focused. I learned a valuable lesson. The measure of a person lies in their ability to overcome failure, and use it as a fuel for success. I am now a member of the dance troupe, "Urban." We combine different dance backgrounds that are admired from the city, such as hip-hop, break dancing, and popping. Today, we perform in fund raising activities and social events such as the Montclair Battlegrounds.

Since I was born and raised in America, my parents' country was foreign to me. After many visits to my hometown in Bantay, Philippines, I became very fluent in speaking our native dialect, Ilo Cano. Additionally, I was introduced to the "Bantay Bata" child welfare program. Their goal is to help protect children from child abuse. The lessons I learned taught me teamwork and social awareness.

During my sophomore year, I was voted class treasurer. It elevated my self-esteem knowing that my classmates trusted me. It was definitely a challenge to be involved in many activities. Along with assisting and organizing events, it helped me polish my interpersonal skills. The responsibilities and trust will serve me well in an independent college surrounding.

With the knowledge and experience I have gained, I hope to bring these values with me to college. A few years from now, I would like to see myself working in the fashion business and work for a reputable company like Vogue. I can only do this with the proper formal training and education which I strongly feel will be provided by your school. It is with great anticipation that I hope I'll get accepted at Montclair State University. This will connect me to all aspects of my desired major in Fashion.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Dec 15, 2007   #6
Greetings!

I think you've done a great job of revising your essay for a different purpose! Here are some suggestions for you:

Nothing seemed to fit my personality as I browsed through the clothes rack, not to mention, everything was very pricey.

The uniquely designed costumes fit my personality and made me stand out.

coming up with new and different ways to style hair, to reflect a person's individuality.

I developed my skills, especially some hands-on techniques.

In between my studies in Fashion and Cosmetology, I was devoted to dancing, though, I seemed to fall short of mastering dance skills.

I had to undergo struggles making it to the top; my commitment and motivation pushed me to become better and stay focused.

It is with great anticipation that I look forward to attending Montclair State University.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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