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She was once an object of adoration; Stanford / Person who has affected me

hannahdowdy 4 / 14 4  
Dec 26, 2012   #1
Prompt that I chose: Explain an influence, person or other, who has affected you.

All I have ever known is fire. From the blaze that lives within my stomach, the scorch of the blistering tongues that lick my fingers, the golden glow that shimmers in my very eyes. I am encircled, constantly, by a ring of glistening heat and have adopted its many characteristics- though not all willful espousals. Analogous to fire, I have a thirst; however, this desire immeasurably surpasses that of a blazing light. I hunger for much more than merely oxygen; I crave success and yearn for achievement. I cannot extinguish the glittering flame that dances within me, nor do I wish to destroy such a fuel. This searing illumination was, conversely, not birthed from my own motives. It was a spark struck from that which birthed me.

She was once an object of adoration- an obsession to me, a comforting embrace, a helping hand, a provider of warmth. My light. As I grew, I watched her reduce to ashes- to mere coals barely alight. I observed the clouds appear, shrouding her in a ghostly darkness and dragging her further into the swallowing depths, as she weakly fought its pull. As my family fell apart, so did she, disintegrating into a fine, black dust -a scattered heap of charcoal or singed wood. I tried to ignore the incredible amount of sorrow that hung from her like chains and her own flame that flickered close to extinction, but it was impossible to miss the unbearable sight of her conflagration suddenly vanishing. Torturous it was, watching her desperately try to find any escape, just to feel the memory of heat- just to remember the sizzle of a condemned and ruined blaze.

She presses the bottle to her lips and feels the burning ache scorch her throat- the only feeling of fire that still remains. This act ignites my personal inferno. It raises the blistering combustions until my insides are charred and my teeth are clenched with the threat of releasing a scream. She is the reason I feel such an intensity- such a cataclysmic eruption within the complexities of my being. That day she let her light recede into a dead ember, was the moment that ignited a searing flash of radiance in me. I will never be so impassioned and fragile to let adversity wrap its clammy hands around my ankle and suck me down below the surface. I will not suffocate; I will roar with such a fire that despair will cower and tremble within such a scarring heat. I will consume and envelop all that opposes me, for I will do what she couldn't.

I will not wither away until I am but a murmur of what I once was. I will blister and scald all impediments, for it is my nature. My sweltering fervor will never be smothered. It will propel me forward with an immense wall of scorching flames that swelter and roast with a fiery trail of illumination-dazzling and splendid, always waiting for chances to devour.

Please help, people say its too complicated and doesn't reveal much.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Dec 26, 2012   #2
To be honest it is very complicated and sometimes I lost track of what I was reading. Try to simplify it a lot more. The first paragraph, though written in perfect English, didn't make any sense to me. :/

You really need to simplify it a lot more or the readers will not be interested by your essay.
mzontario 9 / 43  
Dec 26, 2012   #3
I have no idea what you're talking about.

It's a little bit too abstract.
abulkhair37 8 / 22  
Dec 26, 2012   #4
As people above suggest it is a bit too deceiving, however you have a good start. Try to make it a bit simpler, and try to talk more about yourself, because that's who the colleges want they want to see how that person or thing influenced you, and changed you.

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