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"One Afternoon in February"- Common app essay


basketball 7 / 35  
Dec 24, 2010   #1
One afternoon in February,
The wind blow hardly to thrust back the cold of winter, replace it with the fresh scent of spring time. Everything seems to wakes up when February comes. The birds come back after a period of migration to join in the harmony of spring, and tree's leafs turn into green to fall in line with the colorful picture of spring. In my country, Vietnam, this is even the time when people celebrate the New Year's Eve.

...

I need a lot of critique, thanks guys
dlanki - / 24  
Dec 24, 2010   #2
One afternoon in February,is this part of the essay, i'm a bit confussed.

The wind blows hardly to thrust back the cold of winter--- you might want to try: the wind blows hard, thrusting back winter's cold , replacing it with the fresh scent of spring time. Everything seems to wakes up when February comes. The birds come back after a period of migration to join in the harmony of spring, and tree's leafs turn into green to fall in line with the colorful picture of spring. In my country, Vietnam, this is even the time when people celebrate the New Year's Eve.

since Coming to America in my sophomore year, I am only permited tocan only come back to my country during summer, so I have never had a chance to celebrate the New year Eve in my hometown again. Ha Noi, known as the capital of Vietnam, is quiet, with a bit of wind maybe you can say: quiet and a little windy . There are not many people around streets, and it perspires something simple but elegant and modern. However, Ha Noi turns into a bustling place during the New year's Eve. Thousand of thousand people flock into streets at 8 p.m, where they would wait straightly 4 hoursfor four straight hours just to wait for the mutation moment between the old and the new yeari dont know if the grammar here is correct, it sounds strange . When the fireworks start to give a signal of a new year, people would greet the others standing around them to have a great new yearwish others standing around them a great new year .

It was February 14th, Valentine's day. After school, while my fellow students were in a rush to do make up, dress up, and other preparation for the Valentine's dance, I sat in the computer lab to watch highlights about my country's New Year's Eve that happened at the same day. Suddenly, there was a mixture feeling in my heart. I was delighted to see thousand smiling faces, from an old man to a girl who needs to sells newspapers at that night. However, my mood instantly changed when the camera showed a blossom cherry tree. In Vietnam, cherry tree is a signal of spring, of new year; It represents the happiness of the family and their hope for a successful new year. Looking back at my freshmen year, I was still in Vietnam and went to choose a cherry tree for my house with my family ---this sentencing is confusing; i dont know where you are currently . I felt a moment of sadness as I saw the blossom cherry tree in the highlight.

At that moment, my mind wandered back to the past about Ha Noi New Year's Eve:
When I stood in Hoan Kiem Lake to watch the fireworks and made a wish for the people I love,
When I shouted together with my friends, "5,4,3,2,1, HAPPY NEW YEAR" , then the fireworks would start shinning in the sky, and we hugged each other, hoped good things will come to everyone,

When I ate a steaming bowl of "pho", a dedicatedly prepared food that is a signature of my beloved hometown, made by my mom,

When I gathered around with my family in our living room to take some priceless pictures which were still presented in my mind at that moment,...

Someday, maybe in a long time, but definitely, I will come back to Ha Noi during New Year's Eve; to join in the lively, blissful ambiance that I can find in nowhere except there, the place that I was born and grown up. Maybe I can experience not just the ambiance I used to have, but a more spectacular, "warm" feeling of a person who has not has chance to celebrate New Year in his hometown for a long time, my Ha Noi.

I dont know what prompt you're answering but most common app questions require you to reflect on the effect the expirience has had on you; all i see in your essay is you reminescing and wishing you could go back to vietnam
risingfame 1 / 3  
Dec 24, 2010   #3
The wind blew...

the New Year's
Thousands of people flock into streets at 8 p.m.,
...and trees leaves...plural
In my country, Vietnam, this is the time when people celebrate the New Year's Eve.

Could you return the favor and edit my essay Thanks
OP basketball 7 / 35  
Dec 24, 2010   #4
dlanki: Thank you for your feed back. I choose the Common App Topic of my choice and this is the reflection of my feeling, being away from my country, especially events such as New Year

risingflame: I will, thank you
I need more feedback, thanks everyone ...
floraescent 1 / 3  
Dec 24, 2010   #5
Hello fellow Vietnamese student, I truly understand your longing to go back to VN, I feel the same way sometimes.

May I ask what the prompt is? Because I'm also writing a common app essay and I don't recall reading about the prompt you're writing about. If you are by chance using the prompt: "Evaluate a significant experiecen, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you", then I suggest you go back and re-read your essay. The prompt specifically asks for the impact of your experience on you . Like Dlanki said, your essay is about you remembering VN only. How does leaving VN leave a big impact on you? I personally think that's the question that you're supposed to answer.

If you chose to write a topic of choice, then you should really include why the college should pick you as their student. I don't think they really care about your memories in VN, no matter how beautiful they are. They are looking for students who are capable to succeed, and bring a great name to their college.

Overall, it's a nice essay. I can really connect to it, being a Vietnamese myself. You should save it for some other proper use.


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