I really tried to do something different with this essay( especially at the beginning) and infuse the broad and specific aspects of my life. It might have been too much. I would love some feedback on whether this essay is even a good idea or whether I should just give up on being fresh, orginal, and straightforward and just write about a specific experience instead
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Perhaps it is only my viewpoint, but this question seems so foolish. It has just occurred to me that, all at once, high school graduates are practically thrown into the adult world with little to no preparation for what life is really like. So, to ask an eighteen year old what he plans to do with his life is like asking a baby bird how it is going to fly. Not only that, but most colleges also want to know what direction that baby bird will be flying in. Truly, I have spent my entire life dreaming of my future. Now that I am applying to college, I am currently preparing to adapt to a tremendous change in lifestyle that I admittedly might not like at first. I do know one thing, that through my college experience I will be searching for meaning, purpose, and passion for my studies that I often struggled to find in high school. I wanted to attempt to give this question an inspirational or clichĂŠ answer that resonated the American dream of success, but the idea itself made my internal organs enlarge and press against each other. I do believe in my success. However, I don't like the idea of not addressing the issues before diving into hope, optimism, and reflection.
Looking back on an extremely sheltered childhood, I cannot help but think that I have been drowned by love. Never did my parents go a day without making sure that my brothers and I had all that we needed to be successful in life. I may have been an especially difficult task due to a bad habit of shyness and a disposition towards sensitivity. Despite the faults that I still carry, there also lied a great deal of promise. At a very young age, I had a strong talent for writing that was eventually replaced by mathematics. In all state tests, I scored incredibly high compared to other students in my grade. At the time, I believed so much in my own capabilities that I would talk about attending MIT with my grandparents who have always encouraged me to pursue my visions of a better future.
Adolescence hit me like a rock on the back of the head. The way it flew and direction that it came from probably didn't make it any easier. A quick transition to a middle school of 2000 from a classical Christian elementary school with 100 students is probably as extreme a change as I could have imagined. Just like everywhere else, I made friends and coped, but I found that the Christian values and beliefs had been lost and mixed around during the struggle. For the next few years, I would attempt to recover the faith and security I had lost by attending and volunteering at a radical church that practiced and encouraged speaking in tongues, prophesying, and other Holy Spirit inspired movements. No matter how hard I fought, I learned that I could not recover my past.
Eighteen now, I find myself with a newly instilled desire to find something and learn about something new. To give a glimpse into my personality, I have spent way too much time looking for the perfect college and the perfect career. I have high standards, not because I deserve it, but only because I do not want to waste my time or the time of the university I am applying to. People, to me, are the most interesting subject that anyone could possibly study; psychology, sociology, anthropology, and neuroscience are a few things of the long list of majors that is still in the making. I love to write, especially if it is free from the scrutiny of others. If I know that other people will be analyzing my words, they tend to be much more conservative and straightforward.
If a word could be used to sum up my life, that word would be change. During my short life, I have learned the uselessness of anything that does not build real relationships or contribute to society, the futility of silence, and the ever present truth that life will never be easy and fulfilling all at the same time. Going to four different high schools has forced me to adapt so much that I think there has been too little time or energy spent actually thinking about the direction that my life is taking. To say the least, I am looking forward to finding a place where I can settle down and work hard without having to be worried about being shipped across the country. Despite the fact that my experiences may have been stressful, I would not trade them for anyone else's.
I really enjoyed reading your essay and it made me laugh out loud at some points, but I don't know how admissions is going to see this.
They might be really pleased or really unimpressed.
I think that only your last paragraph actually answers the question, which is the most important part. You might want to give a small preview of it in the first paragraph or so, so that admissions doesn't get tired or bored.
I also don't really see how the the stuff in your third paragraph has helped to at least give you some idea of where you're going in life. Because the whole idea is how has your past shaped your future, and I get a feeling that all you're saying is you lost your past and can't recover it. Maybe you can say: "By losing my past, I was able to look towards the future and find other things that inspired me." It would serve as a transition for your fourth paragraph, in which you talk about the things that you like to do (that aren't necessarily religiously based) that can possible send you in a certain direction.
I hope that helped! Good luck!
[I hope you wouldn't mind looking at my essay. Thank you! ^^]
I remember that my AP English teacher showed us one of her student's essays that was basically a rant on the essay system, and it went something like "You expect me to put my entire life in 500 words...I can't...I won't...can you imagine writing about the day you were married or the birth of your child in 500 words..."
Basically, it's just a huge risk to kind of start off by seemingly "attacking" the UC system. If your essay's read by someone who has humor, then you're lucky. If its read by a moody old guy...they'll most likely throw it aside after the first sentence..
It's a pretty good essay, though. You did pretty well in describing a world "drowned in love", but as the person above me said, there isn't too much mention of how that world has made you into you. You talk about a lot of events that happened but they all seem to affect the person who you WERE, not IS. (does that make sense..?)
But I think its mainly the first few sentences; if you're willing to risk it, go for it. If you're lucky enough to pull it off, then it'll be an awesome opening :D