Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. (General personal essay in common application)
"One day you will have to manage the company and learn how difficult it is to be organized when you need to tell two thousand people what to do." When I was just eleven years old, my dad took my three older brothers and me to the sugar factory. Those words started a flame that ignited something bigger than a simple goal; it ignited a passion inside me. One week after the visit to the sugar factory, I put a table in the recreational complex of my condominium and tried to sell orange juice and sausages. I did not understand why no one was buying my products if a sausage was only four dollars and a glass of orange juice was only three dollars. One year later, during my summer break, I decided to work for my father, I told him that I was going to do whatever he wanted me to do to help in the sugar factory, but he had to pay me something. He paid me eighty Quetzales (ten U.S dollars) for working an entire day moving sugar sacks. In the ninth grade, I decided to run for president of my class and I was elected president two times consecutively. In eleventh grade, a friend and I created the first student council in my high school, and I was elected vice-president. One of my responsibilities was to raise money and use this money according to the necessities of the student body. That same year, I managed to purchase twelve little candy machines with the help of my father. Over the course of these projects, I learned how difficult it is to cooperate with people and to start a small business, even with help.
My High School did not provide me with a good English education. After school, I went to Boston and enrolled in an intensive English academy course. From the colleges that I applied to, every college but one responded that I did not fit their expectations. Because I was concerned, I went to two of the colleges that I did not get into. I had a 4.0 GPA, I was valedictorian my senior and junior year, and I started the first student council in my high school. I tried to do many things to be accepted into a good university. Both colleges answered me the same way: "Sorry, you had good grades, but your English is not good enough and it was reflected on your application essays." I have only been in the United States for less than a year, with one semester finished and another semester in progress. I cannot be more grateful with my current College. It was the only one who gave me the opportunity to start my journey and practice English since 98% of the students are Americans. In my current school, I learned a few things about business law and business ethics that helped me to have a different perspective about the business world. However, this college has less than five hundred students, I cannot learn a lot from other cultures, and it is impossible to make strong social connections. The campus is smaller than my High school campus and the business department does not offer multiple business majors or an economy major. I want to transfer to have strong social connections, to be in a school that provides me with a specific major, and a campus with different cultures and perspectives.
My passion has always been to be a businessman and an active leader in my country. The colleges that I am applying to are all recognized as the best in creating leaders all around the world, leaders that are well prepared both in social and economical aspects. To have a solid company requires a leader with solid bases and strong social connections all around the world. I hope to become a great leader in my country and become involved in political issues, since there is more violence in Guatemala than in Iraq and Afghanistan combined. There is extreme poverty in Guatemala, an issue that affects a huge part of the population. I want to be a risk taker, an innovator--someone who has an impact. Many people do not understand how the market works; only very educated and prepared businessman and economists. I have been a kid, playing with new activities and learning from each one of them. I want to be that kid who explores with enthusiasm and curiosity why no one buys my fairly priced sausages. I want to learn what, who, why, and how the economy and new innovations of the world affects a product. I can follow my passion to be a leader and learn to guide two thousand people in the same direction if I transfer to a good business or economy department.
Please put more attention to the ideas rather than the grammar.
Thank you very much for your time.
A nice structured essay I must say! If this was the type of your application essay and you got rejected for not having sufficient language skills, then I fear I won't get into any of them.
A perfect beginning, but the second paragraph, I think disrupts the coherence of the essay. You have focused quite a bit on you goals but you need to think about focusing on why you want to transfer a little bit more..I think..Please have a look at mine.
