What do you think of my essay for an entrance admission? helpful criticism is welcome :)
it's pretty sad and unusual btw!
When one dies, their loved ones mourn and try to remember every single memory they've had of the person. Both my grandfathers were and are still my most favorite people on earth. I have spent more time with them than anyone else in my life. Their death is also the most tragic and most helpful event to have happened in my life.
The first one to have gone to heaven was the father of my mother. His name was Leon-of course, I called him Lolo Leon. He was a strong-willed, hardworking and a very caring man who never gave up. He also did not go into politics because he wanted the power or the money but because he loved the people so much, he would try to help each and everyone one even when he was exhausted from lack of sleep. Sadly, he was assinated on May 10th of 2004. At first, my family had not told us. Eventually, my brother and I figured out something was happening and after the helpers had turned off the television when I walked in, I went to my room and found out through the news. I was devastated and at first, regretted trying to find out. As soon as we were about to leave to go to my grandparents' house for the wake, I had accepted that since it was my decision to find out on my own, I should face and deal with the consequences properly. When we had arrived, the house was filled with people crying and some even were sobbing uncontrollably. I cried as soon as saw him and everyone but I stopped myself after awhile. Not because I think crying was weak but because I wanted to be strong for my family and I had wanted to comfort them when no one else could since everyone else were crying as well. So for that whole week, I cried less and helped them till my head throbbed from how tired I was. It taught me that everyone needs help, you have to take care of those around you, help can come from anyone, it is good to break down as long as you bounce back higher, and that the best time to be strong is when you are faced with a seemingly impossible obstacle to overcome.
The second one was the father of my father, Cesar-I had called him Lolo Cesar. He too was very strong, hard-working, protective and loving. Being a general, you would think he was a strict military man even towards his family. Despite being strict and serious, he took very good care of the men under him. Towards his family, he was not strict nor serious at all. He was extremely loving to the point he will spoil you with his time, gifts and affection. If you had an achievement, he would be the one to be the proudest of you. If you were having trouble, he would be the one giving you the most support and help. If you were scared, he would be there to protect you. It was the morning of October 25th of 2005 when my mother had gotten a phone call from my father. He told her that my grandfather had been found collapsed in the bathroom and was rushed to the hospital. When she told me, I had not been scared or worried. I knew he was strong and truly expected him to get better right away. I had even planned a gift for him as soon as he woke up in that same morning. Later that day, we had gone to the hospital he was confined in and found out he was in the ICU. My expectation did not waiver even a little bit. On the third day of his confinement, my father brought my brother and I to lunch then into a random hallway. We sat on the floor and he told us that the condition of my grandfather was really bad, to the point we had to decide whether he should take the surgery for the brain or not. We just had to wait for my grandmother-she in America was visiting friends at the time-and my uncle who lived in there with his family to arrive in the country since most of us were in Manila already. That talk taught me to just hope and not expect. Eventually, we all decided that he should take the surgery and sadly, it was not successful. He was alive but he could not think or even breathe without a machine. Another decision had to be made and this time, it was my uncle who had asked us. It was the hardest question to answer and I would have rather not been asked that time. Should we let him continue to live despite him not being able to live normally or use passive euthanasia? As painful as it was, we decided on passive euthanasia. The wake was held in Camp Aguinaldo and a few days later, my other uncle and his family who also lived in America arrived-they were not able to reach him in the hospital due to conflict of flights. He regretted not being there during my grandfather's last days so much. Seeing him taught me to try and be with the people who mean most to me, to treat everyone kindly no matter what, and to be grateful for every blessing even the small ones. Towards the end, I made and gave the speech in place of my brother-who is the eldest amongst all the grandchildren. It taught me to share knowledge with others and to show them what I believed in.
Aside from the specific lessons I've learned throughout the essay, I have learned to work hard and never give up to the point I get very restless if I don't finish or if it does satisfy me so I end up working on it till I'm satisfied with it. Also, I have learned to be open to new things and people, to keep on learning whether it be from people, obstacles or lessons, to stay humble and not become arrogant, to accept criticism properly and use it to help you grow, to look at the big picture and small details, the importance of time, and to stand for what you belive in no matter the odds. I know that it isn't a usual answer to the question and that it may not seem significant in statistical terms because death is usually by chance. Also, I know that you were probably expecting an answer that showed how hard I worked, how I well I did and or how I achieved in a certain situation or contest. Know that, I chose this as my answer because this experience has truly been what defined me as a person most and I just want you to know how amazing these two men are. This is what I truly believe in.
The essay defines yourself wonderfully as a person and as someone who perseverance when faced with hard times. You did seem to have a little problems with grammar and word choice, however, those are small things compared to your essay. There are also a few run-on sentences.
These two sentences should be deleted: Also, I know that you were probably expecting an answer that showed how hard I worked, how I well I did and or how I achieved in a certain situation or contest. Know that, I chose this as my answer because this experience has truly been what defined me as a person most and I just want you to know how amazing these two men are.
Please take a look at my founding father thread, if you have time.
