I have created a rough draft for the first UC Essay prompt, and was hoping I could have someone here proofread and give suggestions.
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Too often is a child raised in an atmosphere that is detrimental to his or her own development. Too often does that same child later find themselves becoming an archetype of their youth. An abused son victim to his father's whim later becomes the father abusing his son, just the same as a young farm boy retires tending to the farm. Such is the tendency of most; people are the product of their youth. Yet, there are those, who find themselves falling just a bit further from the tree.
The environment I grew up in was not so dramatic, but that is not to say it has always been promotional to my well being. From the time when I was old enough to walk, to the time when my brother moved out, he would "play" with me in such a manner that was quite brutal. He would sometimes throw me across the room or pin me down in such a way that I could not manage a single breath. Being that he is a full 14 years older than I, one can imagine how little of a chance I had to escape my brother's violent conduct. My mother, whose love and care for me has never ceased, was addicted to cigarettes and would often go on a drunken rage against my father. It tore my being in two to watch her smashing glasses, throwing hairbrushes, and mindlessly shrieking at my father. Let us not forget my home, a simple one bedroom household that we all manage to squeeze ourselves into. More importantly, I live on a very quiet street with no one my age to socialize with, part of the reason that I was a complete social outcast until high school. All things considered, my world has not been terrible, quite the opposite, in fact. I am fortunate enough to have a father who I have always been able to look up to, and I live in a small mountain community where crime and incident seem relatively nonexistent.
In truth, I consider my youth a blessing. You see, I strive to become the apple that falls far from the tree. I have found myself able to develop a strong sense in the difference between what is good and evil. I see how drinking and smoking effect my mother, and have vowed to never submit myself to the influence of drugs. I see how my brother treats every person he comes across, and have learned the value of respecting others. Most importantly I take the morals that were given to me by my father and the love that was given to me by my mother and see that I must hold those too very close to my heart.
We are all the product of our youth; the environment in which we were raised defines who we are. This does not mean that our destiny is predetermined, as we all have the choice to learn. Knowledge is what enables a person to do well; it is what allows a person to filter right from wrong. Because of this, my goal in life is simple - to understand as much about the world as I can. I want to be the first one in my family to graduate from college, the first one in my family to be able to be proud of themselves, and have their entire family proud of them.
Good essay!
I try to understand this sentence, but could not:
Too often does that same child later find themselves becoming an archetype of their youth.
did you mean find himself/herself or is just me that this sentence does not sound right?
I have found myself able to develop a strong sense in the difference between what is good and evil.
I would lose the "what is"
Most importantly I take the morals that were given to me by my father and the love that was given to me by my mother and see that I must hold those too very close to my heart.
You need a comma after "importantly"
Because of this, my goal in life is simple - to understand as much about the world as I can.
I would change "understand" to learn. (That is just my opinion, which is often wrong, so keep it that way if you want.) =)
I want to be the first one in my family to graduate from college, the first one in my family to be able to be proud of themselves, and have their entire family proud of them.
I see the same thing with pronouns...this might be just me (I am new with the language and I go with the rules I was thought)
Overall, this is an outstanding essay. I like it a lot.
Thank you for the critique,
"Too often does that same child later find themselves becoming an archetype of their youth. "
I mean to say that people often repeat their childhood, their lives become a copy of their childhood. Any suggestions on how to rewrite that?
Too often, that same child later find herself growing into an adulthood that is a duplicate of her youth.
or...
Too often does that same child later find that her or his adulthood is characterized by the same habitual patterns that were at work during youth. herself growing into an adulthood that is a duplicate of her youth.
