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One kid is all it takes - common app


leetristan13 1 / -  
Nov 29, 2014   #1
common app prompt 5: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family

"Were here." I then began to shut my eyes, and dig my face back into the car seat at the same time murmur the words "I hate this job." After squandering a few minutes tossing and turning in the car seat I would manage to find the strength to step out of my mother's car and walk towards the school. "Another three hours, another thirty dollars. the faster I start the faster I get to go home," I thought to myself as approached the corroded brick block the pass off as calling a high school.

As I approached the gates of the building I saw and hear children playing all anxious for me to open the gate. One child in particular was my favorite, his name was AJ. AJ was a small little kid. He had bushy brown curly hair, light brown skin, and a rebellious attitude that would always get him into trouble . He swam in the B1 class swimming class in the lower left hand corner, right in front of where I would usually stand. He would some time try and tease me by letting go of the wall everything I turned my head and would quickly grab it back as I turned back to look at him, and I would often return by giving him a glare which then he would giggle playful which would ultimately dissolve my hostile glare into slick grin, which always made my day to see AJ laugh like that.

I looked down at my feet to see AJ playfully look up at me with a big smile, I smiled back and continue to scan the pool. It was two o'clock and after standing and pacing along side the pool deck for two hours my legs and back start to feel an unbearable sensation of fatigue, the pool manager thinks that if I am seated and not in the utmost painful standing position while on duty that I will fall asleep, I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. then at the bottom corner of my eye I had caught something out of place. I focused my view back on the left corner of the pool, it took me a sec to processes what had just happen, and realized that without any warning AJ had let go of the wall and had sunken to the bottom of the pool just a few feet from where that wall is. At that moment the adrenaline started to pump through my veins, and without any hesitation, I leaped straight into the pool. Franticly trying to feel for the submerged I was able located the small child and with all my strength I pulled AJ out of the water. As his head breached the water he took a big gasp and began flail, panicking about how close he was to death, then I calmed him down by reciting the phrase " You're ok now, I got you." After he calmed down I set him on the wall and climbed out of the pool. as I rung out the water from my shirt I realized that I hadi had been changed, I now realized that the thing I do make a difference for myself and for other. and i can be the changed in the world. If I had been looking some where else or not paying attention at that exact moment when I spotted AJ, I could have been too late and child could have died because of my recklessness.

It was finally 3 o'clock and after I was exhausted and was ready to head home. As i walked out the door I felt a slight tug on my shirt, I turned round to see little AJ. "Thank You" he said. I put my hand on his head and as I brushed his hair playfully I said to him "you're very welcome."
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 29, 2014   #2
This is a very interesting essay Tristan. However, you need to make the beginning clearer to the reader. Instead of the long winding introduction to the job that never got a specific name in your essay, tell the reader off the bat that the story is related to you experience as a life guard at the local swimming pool or school. Explain to us why you had to take the job and the reason why you hated it. Then jump immediately to the saving AJ part. After that, explain how that particular day taught you about being responsible for other people and how it translated into your becoming an adult. Expand upon the discussion by explaining how it changed your point of view about the job and other things. After you do that, we can work on directing it towards becoming a more definitive childhood to adult transition event.


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