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Undergraduate   Posts: 3

Short essay on one page statment about something awsome.

mickeyguan 1 / -  
Jan 8, 2018   #1

Master Yoda

I thought I would never had a humanoid doll. Since a baby, my room have become crowded with toys of all kinds, stuffed toy, toy bricks, remote control toy and air-filled toy, etc. but seldom dolls can be found among hundreds of them. Surprise? I admitted that those toys of mankind would never be my favorites, even my parents had surrendered to present those so-called lovely toy of kids to me. However, one day, last week to be exact, this record was broken and one named Master Yoda was welcomed to my room.

Master Yoda, an amusing toy who can talk and move himself , broke into my life last Saturday. As soon as I stepped into a Disney toy store, a unique little creature, standing beside the window silently and starring at me, caught my eyes immediately. After the shop assistant had introduced Master Yoda who is the most important character in Star Wars to me and shown me the amazing abilities Yoda has, I took my mind to buy him home no matter how dear the price was.

When I arrived at home and I could not help opening the box and took him out immediately. Master Yoda , the short and long-eared old man , from Star Wars, standing in front of me and look at me meaningfully. I took a look around at him, and found that my new friend was unique green skin and there are some wrinkles on his forehead and around his mouth , which stands for his age over several centuries. He has two big eyes and a small nose, symbolized long ears. His three-toes feet are the same size with his hands. He wears a brown corset and a cream-coloured cloak outside and holds a laser sword in his right hand. There is a button on his stomach and after I pressed it, Yoda's head begins to turn around and he speaks some classic lines from Star Wars. At the mean time, his mouth and ears move simultaneously. The most amazing thing is that his eyes can blink as a real person. I have never seen a toy like this before. I am so fond of it. Thanks for those creative designers and craftsman, Yoda really bring me a lot of enjoyment.

KhushbooVohra 8 / 17 3  
Jan 8, 2018   #2
Surprise? = Surprised?

The 1st paragraph seems to be very vague and not giving much detail like who was master Yoda. You can use a better word in place of record.

beside the window silently staring at me,

I took a look around at him, and found ... = No comma after him

At the mean time,= Meantime is one word

Thanks for those ... = Thanks to those ...
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,485 1927  
Jan 9, 2018   #3
guan, the main problem with this short essay is that you are showing a lack of control over sentence development. You have a problem using the past tense of words as is proven by your wrong use of the tenses in your presentation. You also are not very familiar with the way English words are spelled and the meaning of the word. Starring means to be the main character in a play while staring means to long at something for a long period of time. Don't just use words because you think it is the right word. You need to be sure otherwise you either create a sentence with a meaning different from what you meant to write or you make the sentence lose meaning. The latter being the result of your wrong word usage in this essay.

You have a beginners grasp of English and the same goes for your ability to write sentences in English. While this is not bad, it is also not good. The type of essay presentation you were given required an intermediate level of English skills at the very least. You did not achieve that goal but instead, remained hovering at just slightly above the basic level of usage. It will be better if you practice sentence development using various exercises first. That will help you meet a more advanced English writing level. Along with that, reading more English based materials should also familiarize you with word usage and meanings.

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