Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
November 26, 2008, was the stage of one of the most violent terrorist attacks in Mumbai. In India, we remember this infamous day as 26/11, the dates taken to connote the kind of fear and emotions that the events of 9/11 set upon the world.
The Taj, a luxury hotel, was one of several sites attacked by a group of 10 terrorists over the course of three days in Mumbai. My parents were to dine at the Taj but at the last minute changed to another venue. Their restaurant was five minutes away but that the time of the attack they stranded in the dark at the restaurant till early morning, their guest who was staying at the Taj could not go back for clothes or passport and stayed with us until he could arrange a temporary passport to return to Germany. The city was paralyzed and the only news was through bloody images on television and messages from cellphones of those trapped.
Until then, I had lived in a safe environment, unfamiliar with suffering. I lost two of my friends; others lost both parents in the attacks. This opened my eyes to seeing that nothing is ever constant. It made me decide to be more caring and sensitive in my relationships, and appreciate the time I have with a person. I paid more attention to the elderly in my family as they deserved more attention and love, for as children we perceive that they will be with us forever, staying the way they are at the current moment.
The hotel staff was the true heroes of the day. They put their own lives on the line, risking their own lives to hide and feed the guests, who were complete strangers to them. They made me realize the importance of thanking and appreciating those who serve me. The General Manager lost his entire family but put aside his grief and did not leave the hotel until the last guest had been escorted to safety. This incident propelled me to volunteer at my church in a program where underprivileged children are helped with studies and counseled in dealing with abuse. Interacting with these children, I understood why boys who were barely out of their teens would mercilessly seek and kill everyone knowing that they too would be killed. They often came from broken homes or had to deal with fathers who drank and then abused the women and children. The mothers worked through the day to provide for the family and the children were left to their own devices. They were then vulnerable and could be easily brainwashed. By helping them educate themselves, we equip them to differentiate right from wrong and inculcate them with right values. It was my way of trying to cope with the attacks and help prevent any more children fall prey to wrong indoctrination.
As I started becoming more sensitive to the poor, I took part in a School program called Niswarth,
where we went into the famous slums of Dharavi, Mumbai. We saw how children younger than me
went to school and then did the work of an adult to sustain a drunk father and siblings. In the midst
of it all they had a "joie de vivre" which we having everything yet find something to complain about.
Time dims memory but those who experience loss and tragedy are scarred forever. Many have forgotten 26/11, but the scars still remain with us. I was blessed that my parents were not in the hotel and I did not suffer the trauma of losing them.
In the words of Mercedes Lackey in "Fortune's Fool - "We're given a choice in our lives, to make things better, or worse, or merely endure like sheep. I choose to make things better, as much as I can."
Rhea, one thing you have to understand is that the effectiveness of this essay lies in the way that you present your reactions to the world around you. It has to be an event that helped you develop a central identity. In this case, you chose a very good personal story to show the development of your central identity, but it lacks an impressive presentation. Too much of the story was spent recalling the events as it unfolded on television and what your parents did, their friend, etc. While I am not saying that doing this was wrong, you could have better utilized the effect of the story of these people if you managed to somehow relate it to the development of your central identity. Instead of placing your determinations at the end. Blend it into the events that were unfolding, how you felt, and how the determination came to be. That will make it more effective and personal on your part.
Thank you so much for the feedback. will correct and represent it.
please see this new version with the changes you suggested and let me know if it is better...
There is just a certain shallowness to the way you approach the relevance of 26/11 in relation to the development of your central identity. Too much space is still devoted to simply recalling the events that transpired rather than its effect on you and how the events helped you develop a deeper sense of logic, respect for life, point of view about terrorism, and how these events had a direct impact upon your life. The acts that you took upon yourself after the events need to be portrayed in a more serious manner. Perhaps if you volunteered to help out at a specific place after the attack and helped out, the story would have taken on a deeper meaning in relation to the development of your central identity.
Rhea, here is the thing with your central identity essay, it is trying to deal with 2 highly different subject matters in a merged manner. Terrorism and charity work do not really function together in this case. Mainly because you continue to spend too much time discussing what you watched on television as opposed to how the terrorist attack affected you as a person. Then in the latter part, you discuss working for a charity that deals with abused children. My opinion, is that you should stop trying to discuss terrorism and its effects on you and instead concentrate on the charity work because it relates more to the development of your central identity. Sometimes, when an essay tries to talk of 2 separate topics, a disconnection in the final written product occurs. That is what is happening in your case. So you need to choose one identity and then develop that theme for this essay.
Dear Vangiespen,
if, as you suggest I delete the terrorism story then - what do I have as my background and actually - it was this incident that helped me work for the underpriveleged. can i change it to make it better - with the same subject matter. Please advise
This is just a sample of how you can start off the essay with the terrorism aspect and then segue it into the charity work. Make your adjustments or create your own as you seem fit.
On November 28, 2008, one of the most violent terrorist attacks to happen in Mumbai. For those from India, we know this infamous day as 11/28, the dates taken to connote the kind of fear and emotions that the events of 9/11 set upon the world. As I sat transfixed before the television set, safe with my family members, I could not help but feel a deep sense of fear and sadness. Fear because we did not know how the hostage taking would unfold, would they survive? Would they all be killed? How will it affect the rest of the citizenry of our country? After the dust settled and the hostages were freed, and the other horrific events related to it came to an end, I came to realize, I had to do something for my countrymen because my government could only do so much in a very incapable manner. I was consumed by a desire to help them rebuild their lives and understand that though they are victims, they are not dead, they still have a life to live and a future to look forward to.
From that point, you can add this part of your original essay. Do not use any of the original beginning portions:
Do you see how I manipulated the essay to center upon you and the development of your central identity as made relevant by the terrorism and other aspects?
Dear Vangiespen,
Sorry I have taken so long to reply - was not well. thank you so much for your feedback.
I want this essay to be in my own words so i have taken your guidelines and have written 3 different versions... could you please go through them and advice. thank you
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
COMMON APP ESSAY
Rhea, any of the essays can work for you. I cannot and should not choose the essay version that you should be using for your application. That decision is up to you. Pick the one that you feel best represents the kind of thoughts and emotions that you wish to convey in the written work and submit that version. As far as I am concerned, all of these essays convey your emotions and thoughts. I am not privy to the actual message and sentiment you want to reflect so you will have to make that final decision yourself. Sorry I could not be of more help. When it comes to choosing the final version, I can only tell you when the essay is ready, not which version to use :-)
