I'm applying to UT Austin and one of the required essay questions is:
Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
Please look over my essay and give any feedback that you can. It will be much appreciated!
Currently in the United States, about forty-seven million people do not have any health insurance, a staggering number that keeps growing larger. Of the people who do have insurance, many have to struggle to pay higher premiums, deductibles, and co-payments. People in the United States have been unfortunately forced to pay for all of their medical bills without the help of health insurance, causing many to descend to poverty in order to maintain their health. Some have even began to neglect their health because they simply cannot afford the health care that they need.
Throughout my high school experience, especially during my senior year, I have witnessed this tragedy firsthand. Although my family does have health insurance, I have seen many others who do not. As a member of the Medical Society, I have shadowed doctors, volunteered at hospitals, and even helped out at a clinic in Dallas. By volunteering in the Urgent Care Center in Parkland Hospital, I have helped nurses take patients general information. However, constantly, many patients with no health insurance arrive to receive medical help, yet struggle to pay for this assistance.
One patient in particular made an impact on me. A gaunt old woman carrying a wooden cane crawled up to the window at the Urgent Care Center one day. The mere motions of walking slowly to the window caused her to writhe in pain, evident in her crying and slow movement. After she gave her information to the nurse, she realized she had to go to the fifth floor to get treated. I brought a wheelchair around, carefully helped her to sit down, and brought her up to the fifth floor to where she needed to be. However, this poor old woman did not have health insurance. Although she was able to be treated, she was forced to pay for her care out of her own pocket. After a few more visits to the hospital, she may not be able to afford her treatment, forced to cope with her unremitting pain.
By witnessing her poignant experience, I felt sympathetic to her situation and received a newfound respect for those struggling to receive proper health care and insurance. However, the recently passed health care bill might alleviate some of these problems. This landmark bill will eventually provide health insurance to about thirty-two million Americans who currently are uninsured, a tremendous increase that will provide almost all Americans with the benefit of health insurance. Because of this and other measures taken by the United States government, increases in medical technology and information, and the general kindness of those in the medical profession, the old woman that entered Parkland Hospital seeking medical help may one day receive affordable, quality health insurance and treatment.
Currently in the United States, about forty-seven million people do not have
any health insurance ,.It is a staggering number that keeps growing larger.
I think you should say, of all the people instead of, Of the people
who do have insurance, many have to struggle and work hard to pay higher premiums, deductibles, and co-payments. People in the United States have been unfortunately forced to pay for all of their medical bills without the help of health insurance, which
causingcaused many to descend to poverty in order to maintain their health. Some people have even began to neglect their health because they simply cannot afford the health care that they need.
The things i put in red r things i added ^^
After a few more visits to the hospital, she may not be able to afford her treatment, forced to cope with her unremitting pain.
This is a great sentence!
I think the essay is a success. You did not go into much detail about the controversy surrounding the health care issue, but instead focused on the woman without health insurance. This is a pretty solid essay. If you have time., do some more research, and I think you can make 2 or 3 more interesting points within the essay -- points based on what you read. That is the way to fill an essay with meaning.