By looking at your transcript and test scores, we can evaluate how you have performed in high school. Those factors aside, if we only had one space left in UB's freshman class, tell us why we should offer that space to you. Consider, for example, how your extra-curricular activities in high school and in your community have shaped you, what you have learned from those experiences, and how you will use those experiences to contribute to UB's campus community.
any ideas .. could somebody explain the prompt to me and the do's and dont's..and what shall i include in the essay
it seems quite obvious to me. They suggest you to mention your non-academical experiences (joining organizations and such, being a team leader, etc,) , so they could compare you with others in several non academical points.
I would focus on how your community have shaped you, what you have learned, and how you would transfer or use these skills to make an impact at the university.
Instead of narrating a series of events, pick out a few of your most meaningful activities. I would pick activities where I have shown leadership or/and activities where I have contributed a lot. Then show, not tell, the activities and how they have influenced you. I would integrate the community aspect of the question with the activities. You can talk about how everyone was motivated in the club or how your teacher is always helping you (these are just examples, I would not use them if they are not true) and talk about how it has influenced you, which will cover "what you have learned". Then just talk about "how you will use those experiences to contribute to UB's campus community".
I mean linnus is right, if you want a bolder way of saying that would be:
why do you want to attend XX university? tell us something interesting that will made us accept you, excluding your grades.
however, i don't really thing that you should move onto the extracurricular parts. I mean, there are a lot of things you can tell about yourself, and they are just giving you examples of what your essay should be about, just like a sample topic. There is really no need to follow it, and to me, it would sounds kind of cookie-cutter if you do write it that way
Thats just a fancy way to ask about your extracarricular activities. All you have to do is impress them by writing a fascinating essay that has a clear main idea. What are you passionate about?
You can have fun with this.
You can also treat it as a "what would you contribute to us" essay, which is really all it is, once you strip away the hypothetical at the beginning. Make yourself sound as great as possible -- this is no time for false modesty, or even real modesty.
which is better to write about many things that shaped me or only one thing..
i was thinking of writing about how my soccer team shaped me (cooperation , working as a team.. selflessnss....etc.)
and living in a diversified country taught me to respect other ethnicities , values , races....etc.
is that good ... is there something better i should talk about...
Focusing on one thing is normally preferable to touching lightly on several things. As for what to write about, pick the subject that you think you can most easily tie into to contributing to the university.
What I will miss the most when I graduate is the MES soccer team
The Michael Archangel Scout has had the greatest influence on me as it planted the love of helping people in me.
I believe that I have a lot of energy to contribute to the UB society.
thank you Kent for your help with the grammar.. but what do you think of the structure and the essay as a whole...does my essay answer the prompt well ..are there any unnecessary parts ...any suggestions ?..help will be greatly appreciated
ethnicities, religions and cultural backgrounds
from scratch in 2004
In our first year, we lost all the matches we played and ended up 4th in the group stage
persisted until we won our first bronze medal in 2006 (until is better and more formal than till)
Every Tuesday, I coach elementary students for soccer. I feel that I have a great responsibility of passing on this sport to the next generations and being a role model to them.
our little brothers and organize trips for them (I strongly suggest you add "and sisters", don't be mean, girls are a part of the world!)
Your essay is generally fine, there are some details you should focus on to make this essay better like, elaborating a little about the environment in BU that fits you blah.
fine angela , but my essay is 469 words after the corrections and the limit is 500 ..so what do you think is unnecessary and i should remove in order to elaborate "the environment in BU that fits you blah." ...
I come from an Egyptian society in which several cultures prosper; therefore I have learnt to live with people of different ethnicities, religions and cultural backgrounds .My diverse culture has gained me background knowledge of how to interact people from different societies, and my experiences with those people have opened many gates to handling different personalities and situations.
What I will miss the most when I graduate is the MES soccer team. I was among the first players who started this team from scratch in 2004. In our first year, we lost all the matches we played and ended up 4th in the group stage; however, we exerted more effort in training and persisted until we won our first bronze medal in 2006. That's not it; we won our first title in 2007 lead by our second in 2008. This year we are looking for our third consecutive gold medal. This team has taught me the true meaning of hard work and cooperation and the delightful taste of success. I can say that I have enjoyed every second in this team.
Due to my love for soccer, I hosted an after school club for soccer called Sports Fanatics. Every Tuesday, I coach elementary students for soccer. I feel that I have a great responsibility of passing on this sport to the next generation and being a role model to them.
The Michael Archangel Scout has had the greatest influence on me as it planted the love of helping people in me. We used to go to orphanages and spend time with our little brothers and sisters, and organize trips for them. I believe that the biggest fantasy in life is to draw a smile on a child's face. I remember how happy they were when we first stepped in and after we left. We also visit the "57375" Cancer hospital for children where we give these young warriors faith and hope in their battle against cancer or at least try to make their last days on earth happy ones.
It would be a pleasure to be able to merge with even more ethnicities, expand my social circle, and participate in activities that give me an opportunity to express myself in order to enjoy my new life at UB. I believe that I have a lot of energy to contribute to the UB society, thus I wish to volunteer in extracurricular activities in UB and I believe that I will be an active member of the soccer team.
this is my final version any more critiques...
I don't want to seem demanding but the deadline is today and i would really appreciate any help
My diverse culture has supplied me with background knowledge about how to interact with people from different societies, and my experiences with those people have opened many gates to handling a myriad of personalities and situations.
That is just an idea! But the essay looks good, anyway. Check the spacing near that period at the end of the first sentence, though.
Thank you alot Kevin and all the moderators , contributers and members who helped.. i submitted it ... and i wanted to thank you again and show my deep appreciation to all what you've done ...
good luck with your forum :)