This is my response for the short answer in the Commonapp that asks to expand an activity. Input and corrections would be great. Currently it stands at 147 words.
For one summer I become someone else. I dropped the role of a student and became another commuter traveling between White Plains and New York City, to Edelman PR firm. I worked with the Multicultural Department, a group that focuses on the needs of the Hispanic market and ways that companies can better reach them. While the experience of working in an office environment prepared me for what I had always been reaching for as an aspiring lawyer, working specifically for the Hispanic market was something unexpected and rewarding. Experiencing how it felt to integrate my culture into a career convinced me it was the path I one day wanted to take. The daily commuting to a city I had never visited alone taught me independence and the nature of my work taught me professionalism. At sixteen I was able to experience something usually reserved for third-year college students and now more than ever I feel confident that my abilities can go beyond grades and scores to success in the real world.
It's now about 172 words and way too long. Anybody have any idea on how to cut it down? Grammar/spelling or any other criticisms are completely welcomed!
You might want to rework this so that you talk a bit more about what you learned from the experience, how it helped you grow, etc. At the moment, you are mostly just summarizing what you did, and saying that you enjoyed it.
Thank you, you're right. It was just a summary before.
Yes, this is better.
To shorten it, cut out redundancies. For instance
"While the experience of working in an office environment prepared me for what I had always been reaching for as an aspiring lawyer,"
Can be rewritten as
"While working in an office was part of preparing to become a lawyer"
This change alone saves nine words, and the rest of it can be revised similarly. Also, on an unrelated note:
". . . a group that focuses on the needs of the Hispanic market and ways that companies can better reach it ."