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One thing I can offer NYU is motivation for future students - NYU application essay


andrianna 1 / -  
Dec 16, 2014   #1
Here is the prompt :
NYU is global, urban, inspired, smart, connected, and bold. What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU? (200-400 words)
So this is what ive gotten so far.. i AM NOT 100% confident in my essay, therefore i need outside opinions. PLEASE BE brutally honest. I REALLY REALLY would like to be accepted.

New York, in fact is a beautiful city iridescent with different cultures, backgrounds, personalities, and beliefs. The town I currently reside in (Columbus, GA) is a medium sized town on the Alabama-Georgia line with a population of 200,000. My goals and aspirations may be more "unrealistic" than my peers. Many of the students in my town don't have as much motivation as me. Life after high school here isn't very challenging: keep a 2.0 GPA and attend our local university is the typical goal of most students in my town. Yet I do not believe that Columbus, Georgia is a town where I can follow my dreams. People always try to shame me for my confidence and determination. When people ask me what I want to go to college for and I say Computer Forensics and Forensic Psychology they look at me like I have 5 eyes. I love to contribute to my community and use my natural leadership skills for good. I have participated in many volunteer opportunities and I am currently the President of my Schools FBLA chapter. I am in LOVE with NYU. My family has always told me about the opportunities NYU has to offer and NYU has always been the college I want to attend. I believe Gallatin is the perfect school for me; I love the fact that it offers a customized degree program so that i can get more and more knowledgeable and closer to my dream job as a Computer Forensics Technician. One thing I can offer NYU is motivation for future students. I would like to show them one day that there is no such thing as impossible. I can promise you that I will be one your BEST alumni, and students like me will encourage more students to never give up and to follow their dreams no matter what the circumstance.
Anfalia 40 / 56 23  
Dec 16, 2014   #2
I love to contribute to my community and use my natural leadership skills for goodwell .

My family has always told me about the opportunities NYU ha s to offer and NYU has always been the college I want to attend

i think this sentence is double verb without conjunction.


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