If you guys could please look over my first UC application essay for any errors that would be very helpful. Please feel free to be as honest as u wish :)
PROMPT:
-What is your intended major?
-Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities
-What you have gained from your involvement.
At the age of 2, my younger sister had made her decision to one day become a successful doctor and practice medicine along side my father. Why was I not able to make my career decision at a young age? Being born and raised in an Indian home where every other family member graduated as doctors and dentists pressured my search to find a profession that met the family's standards. Throughout my childhood and adolescent years, I have envisioned my future through countless high standard career choices, but have failed to come to a conclusion. However, I never imagined that my decision to major in Business Marketing would become apparent after my first trip to India in December of 2008.
I had just arrived in India and noticed the vast amount of people present at the airport. Locals everywhere were looking for a way to grasp the attention of those whom had arrived. As I walked through the terminals I noticed that these locals were constantly trying to sell me their products justifying why their products were worth purchasing. At that moment it did not occur to me that I had set foot into a country where the means to market was a survival necessity and towards end of my stay, I will do as the locals do. I only knew that my intention to visit India was to participate in The Prem Rawat Foundation's (TPRF) worldwide program called, Food for People. This special program bestowed clean water, and fresh nutritional meals daily to aid those who are undernourished and help fight the poverty that continued to rapidly grow in India. The facility where my voluntary efforts were made was located in Bantoli, India which allowed me to experience first-hand a village where there is a deficiency of basic resources available.
As I took my first steps into the Food For People facility, I contemplated the faces of the villagers. Every elderly, adult, and child left the center with a boost of fresh energy. I could not help but question myself, why was Food For People such a great success? Was there any aspect about this program that could be improved? And how can TPRF further expand the awareness of their services around the world? To seek the answers to these very questions I sat down with (someone who wishes to remain anonymous) whom had been helping manage this program since 2006. He stated that, "It is by God's grace that we have been given an opportunity to help our people, so how can this program not be successful? We just need to notify more people around the world that we provide food aid not only in India, but also in 24 other countries. But as for expansion, it is best for youngsters like you to help get your network of friends informed about our services. You are our future and if you can start notifying people about this program, it will continue to be a success". It had struck me at that very moment that I was truly capable of maintaining the awareness of Food For People, but needed to become more knowledgeable about this program to properly publicize.
In the next few days I shadowed those who were in charge of marketing this program and came to find that I had been volunteering for a non-profitable organization. I noticed that because they were not selling a product, they had to sell their services, which could only be done through effective marketing techniques. They kept consistent communication with their major donors, constantly had people handing out brochures, and reiterated their services on the Internet and newspapers. I wanted to reach out and help continue their success, so for the last remaining days, I decided to begin propagating in New Delhi. I stood in front of the RML Hospital distributing brochures and flyers to those passing by, explaining to them why this program was worth donating to; similarly to the locals who marketed their products at the airport upon my arrival. I enjoyed every moment spent promoting to people and yearned to learn more effective marketing tactics. At the end of this trip I had acquired the tenacious thirst to continue wanting to gain more knowledge about marketing not only for non-profitable organizations but also for large and small businesses. Today, I am proud to say that I have finally discovered my profession of choice and will one day successfully show that business marketing is the new member of my family's career standard.
This is great! Too often, marketing is seen as superficial -- manipulative, but in the bigger picture, it is a meaningful act that stirs the pot of commerce. I like your writing style and your ideas...
I think you should write two instead of 2. twenty-four instead of 24.
The first sentence is strange... I think you should rewrite the intro. I don't believe that she knew she would be a doctor at age 2.
:-))
