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I am one of the twin sisters; making friends is merely sociable with others superficially


Reefs 1 / -  
Dec 3, 2012   #1
Common application:Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
Please tell me more detail such as grammar errors, what do you think? Do u understand a little about me after reading it? Is it smooth or not? Do you think I should write more? Thank you!!!

I am one of twin sisters. The characteristic that twins always show when they are making friends is merely sociable with others superficially. They do not need any friends, each other become his or her main partner, so they will inevitably have similar personality and thought.Additionally, if they are natural shy persons like my sister and me, they will be less responsive to others' friendship in the eye of others. As I grow older, I gradually realize that my sister and I have to separate from each other and pursue our own ideal. However, when I step out the circle, I find that I have no good friend besides her. Suddenly I come to understand how little I know about my peer classmates. Therefore, it arose my desire to discover the ability of observation for the purpose of making more friends.

My potentiality of observation comes into me when my beloving aunt falls into abyss of despair. She gets cervical cancer in advance stage that almost physically torments her to death. Moreover, her only son lies in bed in a vegetative state due to a sever car accident, and her husband betrayed her. These incidents strikes her to lose hope to live. I know the hardship my aunt is going through, in a visit to her home, I talk to her and analyze her mind, sense her feeling and mood. Little by little, I direct her to think positively, to be brave to fight the vicious disease. As soon as I boost up her spirit, she promises me that she will stand up again to face the adversity.

With my endeavor, she gets out of her painful mentality and changes to a happier mind, also abide by her doctor's advice to take good care of herself. Through my experience with her, my observation help my dear aunt to rekindle her hope and to cherish what she has. I think I can explore this potentiality to help others and benefit myself.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Dec 3, 2012   #2
Which one, is it the twin sister or your aunt, had a significant influence on you?

You talk about both of them and there is no clear link between them too.... I think you better choose one of these people and tell the reader how that person influenced you as a person.

I have a feeling this answer is not very much aligned with the prompt : (
sarthakjain 19 / 58  
Dec 3, 2012   #3
you have some grammatical errors :
"each other become his or her main partner" should be "they become others main partner".
"As I grow older, I gradually realize that my sister and I have to separate from each other and pursue our own ideal." should be "As i grew older, I gradually realized that my sister and I have to separate from each other and pursue our own ideal" .

otherwise the essay is okay to go. hope the critique helped.


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