I am having a really difficult time trying to make my essay stronger for the common app. I would gladly accept any suggestions or revisions. The essay question is below, along with the essay. Thank you. I appreciate your help.
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
I landed on an entirely different planet. It was the first day of high school and I was alone. I had no idea that when I walked into the presentation room with 40 other students, I was one of the only two Asian-Americans in our academy. Despite such unfamiliar backgrounds - saris from India, carne asado from Argentina, kompa music from Haiti, merengue from Dominican Republic - I was eager to learn more. Each culture had its own unique style, and being exposed to most of them has helped me view the world more captivatingly than before. However, very few people knew about my Chinese and Vietnamese culture. Because of this, I became the first student in my school to enter a Chinese Cultural Competition held by Seton Hall University. Opening a new door for my audience, my group members and I guided them into another world. I watched the audience's faces as their expressions transitioned from bewilderment to inquisition when I introduced the Chinese culture. Furthermore, my group and I was awarded 3rd place; however, I felt like we did more than just win an award, we turned a rather uninformed group of people into a more diversified community. Over the years, I had come to realize that I had benefited tremendously a diverse school like High Tech. Physically, I didn't belong; however internally, I knew this was my second home. Ultimately, each culture has a story to tell; I, for one, can proudly tell my story.
When I am not in school, I frequently find myself fervently involved in various hobbies. One of them is knitting, which I picked up from my mother who knitted to relieve stress. Knit two, purl two, knit two, purl two. I repeated these steps. It was my fourth time restarting the process, so I was meticulously slipping the needle in and out. Suddenly, I stopped; there was an unexpected obstacle. Hard punches hit me as I filled with impatience. "Should I quit now?" I asked myself. I threw my half knitted scarf on the ground. As I brought my right foot up, I thought "do I really want to give up when I've spent the past few weeks constantly working on it?" No. I took a deep breath, picked up my unfinished scarf, un-knitted the rows, and continued my process. Knit two, purl two... Finally I slipped the needle out in the last hole. Relief swept over me as I handed the scarf over to my friend. I knew step by step that while my mom knits to relieve stress, I knit to become a stronger and more ambitious character.
My dad used to say, "The beginning is the most important part of the work."
As a curious child, I often stood by my father's side day and night while he started his retail business in the bustling city of New York. I remember seeing hundreds of unfamiliar faces brushing past me, some of them stopping to view the merchandise that my father had displayed. I watched as he handed over the product to the customer and took her money in exchange. How incredibly fascinating this business world appeared to me. I knew immediately that I wanted to be a part of it. As years progressed, I did less watching and more assisting. I organized the store, helped shoppers, restocked items, and even waited on customers. In addition, I am currently employed at a restaurant where I have grown to recognize the steps to run a fine business. Although I've had prior experience, I still require more education to help me enter the business world myself. I strongly believe that the School of Business Administration in Saint Peter's College is the beginning of my "most important part of the work."
It was the first day of high school and I was alone.
Use a comma after "school" in this compound sentence.
In order to make this clearer, I suggest adding one sentence after this one ---> Each culture had its own unique style, and being exposed to most of them has helped me view the world more captivatingly than before.---> and then END the first paragraph. This long first paragraph is difficult to make sense of. I suggest adding a good thesis sentence after this sentence and then ending the first para. Then, para #2 will start:
However Very few people knew about my...
One more thing: has helped me to view the world with enhanced perspective. "captivatingly" is not appropriate here.
:-)
