Please be very strict with your analysis as I am applying to Uc berkley.I appreciate criticism
Thank you
I never met someone who made my eyes literally seem so unimportant; in all probability, she was perhaps insinuating that she was equal or better than I was. I wanted to share in her supposed pain but she certainly did not need the pity. Mrs. Tijani was blind but she definitely did not depict the picture I had of a blind woman.
I had just completed my penultimate year in school and I finally had time to take part in community service as I go to a boarding school. Luckily, my mother's place of work was organizing a fund raiser and needed volunteers and so I cheerfully agreed to take part in this experience. After raising money, the community service program was to end with the 'Walk for Sight' - a ten kilometer walk with the blind to raise awareness. It was during this walk that I met probably one of the most awe-inspiring people in my life till date. I started the walk with the hope of giving her hope, but as she narrated her story I ended up getting it.
Mrs. Tijani became blind at an early age of two due to ignorance on the part of her parents on the dangers of polio. According to her, she did not realize her lack of sight during her early years; "I would hear people playing around me and would run towards them falling so many times before getting to them; I thought I was alright and falling was pretty normal", she said. At this point, I thought I should be comforting but as I tried to comfort her she stopped me abruptly; she did not want any of it. "Do not feel an iota of pity for me", she retorted. I was taken aback by her reply. Why did she not want any consoling I asked myself? She must have read my mind as she then said, "I do not want you to feel bad for me; I may be challenged but so is everyone." She said. "As we go through life we all meet challenges, physical or not. What matters most is how we deal with this challenges; it is when we let them get to us that we are truly challenged." She exclaimed. Mrs. Tijani went on giving me shocking examples that proved to me that one is not disabled until one gives in to challenges. She said, "I am happily married with three children; I have a university degree and work. So how am I disabled? I am only challenged." Those words struck me; they reminded me of my parents' endless counsel on the need for perseverance and determination (a lesson they need not teach anymore). She inspired me; she made me to realize the pride one earns from determination. As the end of the walk came into view, I realized that she had given me hope and a new perspective to life.
From this experience, I learned how life would certainly pose challenges but what is of utmost importance is not the challenge but how one views the challenge. One does not loose with challenge but the moment one gives in to it. Success only comes through challenges and confrontations. For only when one gathers the courage to face them does one truly have a shot at satisfaction.
It's beautiful story. I would like to tell that I'm not very good in English but I think you should add more sensation word, more description and details of this experience such as we walked on a small road which has little flowers all the way but at the first time I felt her life isn't beautiful like this beautiful way...
It's only example for idea. I don't know do you like it or not. However, hope it help :)
Ok...thanks..I would after i receive other views
UC Berkeley is my number 1 choice for public schools too ^^ the competition is on! haha. guess you'll be the last person whose essay i'll edit for now. need to do hw.
prompt 2...hmm
I had never met anyone who hadliterally made my eyes seem so unimportant; in all probability, she was perhaps insinuating that she was equal or better than I was.
[you don't mention this lady yet, and so it's rather odd for a starting sentence]
I wanted to share in her supposed [what do you mean] pain but she certainly did not need the pity. Mrs. Tijani was blind but she definitely did not depict the picture I had of a blind woman.
[present the scenario a bit better and it's a very good start]
I had just completed my penultimate year [what's that? junior year? O_o] in school and I finally had time to take part in community service as I go to a boarding school. [too many strings in one sentence.]
Luckily, my mother's place of work was organizing a fund raiser and needed volunteers and so I cheerfully agreed to take part in this experience. [change/shorten, use only what's necessary] After raising money, the community service program was to end with the 'Walk for Sight' - a ten kilometer walk with the blind to raise awareness. [wow. talk about this earlier please. make it stand out earlier than in the middle.]
It was during this walk that I met probably one of the most awe-inspiring people in my life till date . I started the walk with the hopehoping to giveof giving her [who's her, (O I know Mrs. Tijani, but still...)] hope, but as she narrated her story I ended up getting it [hope?].
"Mrs. Tijani became blind at an early age of two due to ignorance on the part of her parents on the dangers of polio. According to her, she did not realize her lack of sight during her early years; "I would hear people playing around me and would run towards them falling so many times before getting to them; I thought I was alright and falling was pretty normal", she said. At this point,..." [shorten shorten shorten :<]
I thought I should be comforting but as I tried to comfort her she stopped me abruptly; she did not want any of it. "Do not feel an iota of pity for me", she retorted. I was taken aback by her reply. Why did she not want any consoling I asked myself? She must have read my mind as she then said, "I do not want you to feel bad for me; I may be challenged but so is everyone." [main focus, I think...]
She said. "As we go through life we all meet challenges, physical or not. What matters most is how we deal with this challenges; it is when we let them get to us that we are truly challenged." She exclaimed. [what? this popped out of nowhere. note: I said, "...." She said, "...." not I said. "..." etc..] Mrs. Tijani went on giving me shocking examples that proved to me that one is not disabled until one gives in to challenges. She said, "I am happily married with three children; I have a university degree and work. So how am I disabled? I am only challenged." [combine this with the previous statement about everyone is challenged] Those words struck me; they reminded me of my parents' endless counsel on the need for perseverance and determination (a lesson they need not teach anymore) [why the parenthetical statement?]. She inspired me; she made me to realize the pride one earns from determination. [move this to an earlier spot in your essay] As the end of the walk came into view, I realized that she had given me hope and a new perspective to life. [repetition of previous statement I think, use is only once]
From this experience, I learned how life would certainly pose challenges but what is of utmost importance is not the challenge but how one views the challenge. One does not lose to challenges until thebut moment one gives in to it. Success only comes through challenges and confrontations. For only when one gathers the courage to face them does one truly have a shot at satisfaction.
Comments: Good experience, maybe focus more the prompt and make sure you have everything they ask for...some grammar errors that I may not have caught, but overall, it's nicely written.
*mind reading my UC prompt? no one has bothered >_>
Thanks and good luck with you apps!
*At Mustafa, you hinting that someone else wrote his essay or that he's using too complicated words :?
Write naturally or risk being caught with machinery you cannot operate.
Mustafa ,What do you mean
