Please all constructive comments are welcome!
As a child, I would sit on my Grandfather's lap while he read to me. I remember almost
nothing of what we learned together; however, one snowy Sunday afternoon, he opened
up the Talmud and taught me an anecdote. "A man would rather receive one of what he
worked for than have nine of it given to him." At first, I thought of this in the most
practical way. I mean, hey, I'd rather have nine dollars than one dollar. I thought this was written by someone who had no idea what he was talking about. Afterwards, I
didn't give the quote much though; however, that changed when I started my first job.
I was always interested in computers and even more interested in making money,
so I combined the two together and applied for a job at a computer repair store. Over the
summer, my interest in computers became a love of computers. I was no longer satisfied
with fixing other's computers, I decided it was my turn to reap the benefits of my
knowledge; I was going to build my own computer. However, there was one obstacle
impeding my path in accomplishing my objective, I knew nothing about hardware.
Nevertheless, I wouldn't let that stop me, I had my mind on something and I was going to
accomplish it. I rented out a stack of "For Dummies" books that dealt with computer
hardware, from books about binary code to water-cooling my system. I also stayed after
my working hours at the computer shop where my boss would give me lessons on
computer hardware. After about two weeks of research, reading and lessons I knew I was
ready to get started. For about a week straight I was on the internet looking up specs for
the best computer and making sure they were compatible. I hit several bumps in the road
{such as funding} but I didn't let them deter me. After two weeks I had all the parts on
my library table. It took me thirteen hours and twenty-seven minutes to finally complete
my masterpiece; to combine the best computer parts into one system.
Now you may be
wondering what my introductory quote had to do with anything. My original plan for my
desktop was to sell it. I put it up for sale on eBay after a month of use. Needless to say,
because of its specs and mint condition, the computer auction went to $2800. This was
amazing because I would have made a $1000 profit. As the action was about to end, I
took a good look at my computer, the one I spend my entire summer creating, researching
and buying. Then I took a good look at the auction and I said to myself, "I can always
make a $1000 dollars another day." I canceled the auction an hour before it ended, and to
this day it is in my room as my most prized possession. The possession I worked for. It is
worth more to me than just its "weight in gold". Every time I look at my computer I
understand the truth behind that 2000 year old saying: "A man would rather receive one
of what he worked for then have nine of it given to him."
I think it is a pretty solid and sentimental essay. But you might want to take out the first sentence of the conclusion; it seems pretty obvious by the end of the essay and breaks the flow. Other than that, I loved your essay. Good luck, I am also applying to UMich, maybe we'll see each other... and please read my essay too...
Grandfather should not be capitalized in that first line. It is not a proper noun when you use it that way.
I thought this was written by someone who had no idea what he was talking about. ---Ha ha ha, you did a good job with this sentence.
wondering what my introductory quote had to do with anything. ---here is another great part.. I really like your writing style.
Let's connect these with a dash:
most prized possession -- the possession I worked for.
And technically, it is supposed to be like this:
most prized possession -- the possession for which I had worked hard.
