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'online brochure of Art center' -THE WORLD I COME FROM (I WILL MAJOR IN DESIGN MEDIA ART)


echonij 1 / -  
Nov 24, 2013   #1
I'm writing the UC essay prompt #1 the prompt is :Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations. It is due in a week, please please please be super harsh and correct my grammar errors and please give me as many suggestions as you can. Thank you very much! I'm a english learner from china, and my prompt #1 is about how the entire environment and the art classes affect me.

UC PROMPT ONE:
When I went to middle school in China, our class discussed about our dreams. I told my teacher that my dream was studying hard and go to a good high school, because in China, people need super good grades.

"Is that it?" The teacher asked me. I said, "yes" so confidently. After the class, she told me that she really support my dream right now, which was going to a good high school, but she thought my dream should go deeper and further. I didn't understand that time, I thought middle school student don't need an ambitious or a long-term dream. However, I noticed I'm wrong when I moved to America.

I moved to America three years ago, and I entered high school as a freshmen. In the first day of class, in the club meeting as a new member, we were asked of talking our dream, but I still cannot tell what is my dream. I realized that I should think seriously about my dream. And one decision remind me that actually the whole environment affect what is my dream.

In the beginning of my junior year, I saw the online brochure of Art center. And I saw the fashion sketching class on the class list. In that moment, I just decided to go to this class. I recalled my memory back to China, when I was little. I learned sketching, oil painting, watercolor in art class. And I also learned playing Chinese zither for three years, through the music class, I learned Chinese ancient music. Through out all different type of art classes, I was thinking, maybe I should work in the art field in the future, but back to the time I was in middle school, that just a vague and basic idea. And since I went to the fashion sketching class, I use marker draw the figure, and put my idea on the drawing, such as use bright color to fit a specific type of dress or use both light and heavy skin tone color to make the figure's skin looks perfect. During summer, I started learning how to make videos. I made videos for my English class project and sometimes for my own pleasure.

I've been learning a lot of type of arts, and I want to pursue a major as a designer, which can learn and design all type of art. Is that it? No, I'll continue learning art and use art.
dzup36 2 / 5  
Nov 27, 2013   #2
I think you didn't spend enough time specifically describing your world. Moving from China to the US would be two worlds in my opinion. I suggest focus on portraying one world, such as the academic infused world in China, and elaborate on its impact on you. Good luck!
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Dec 24, 2013   #3
I thought middle school students don't need an ambitiousambition or a long-term dream. / I thought middle school students do not have to ambitious or have long term dreams.

we were asked of talking our dreams ,

In that moment, I just decided to go to this class.

In the beginning of my junior year, I saw the online brochure of Art center. And I saw the fashion sketching class on the class list.

This is not very nicely presented. Your ideas not connected with each other very well. You need to rephrase these line in order to improve it presentation.


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