Discuss an accomplishment or event that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood
"Onni Annyeong! (Hello, sister!)"
This is what I hear from Thai hill tribe children every weekend. Being a Korean teacher for friendly children is more than exciting. It overwhelms me.
As long as I experienced the reality, indifference will not be accepted. I came to northern Thailand six years ago due to the influence of my parents who put the importance in diverse experience of culture. Going on the airplane that day was turning point of my life. I got really interested in sharing different culture with people and listening attentively to them.
To expose myself, I decided to participate in the Model United Nations. It was last year. Finding efficient ways to support developing countries was one of the topics. The reality of Thailand - pitiful problem regarding relatively weak people's rights - ran across my mind.
Most delegates presented that material support such as food or financial aid is essential. Material support is important. However, as learned from rural place in Thailand, it was obvious that the countries will not be strong for long if we give them a fish. We should teach them how to fish, so I thought providing the ability of self-development is more important than temporary support. As the delegate of Laos, I promised to offer programs that nurture proper schools and teachers for young children. Other delegates gave me applauds with realization that they did not think further. Fortunately, my opinion was written on the first list of the resolution.
Whenever I go to see Thai hill tribe children after Model United Nations, I look at them from a different perspective.
Curious children ask me about the meaning of Korean words written by them on a crumbled yellowish paper. I used to carelessly end the conversation, but I thought systematic education makes the children the leaders of the country. So, I decided to teach Korean to them and got it confirmed by teachers. Although it was once a week, I could assure that it will definitely be helpful.
Teaching someone was not an easy task. However, I noticed that reflecting children's opinions and adjusting my teaching method, or sympathy and interaction is what makes the class more energetic and interactive. Rewards, Q&A time, competition, using media, etc,. were the key to engage students.
With my realization, the class revitalized with enthusiastic participation and soon after, the children possessed amazing skill of communicating simple conversations with native Koreans. And, the students wanted to show their ability to their parents. Respecting opinions, we prepared a small show. The adults were surprised at them singing K-pop and reciting Korean poetry and gave me a cute doll made by them.
Yet, I know that I learned even more from them. So I began teaching even harder with thorough preparation because I really want to return the thankfulness. Through the volunteering, I earned the ability to listen carefully and learned that a little consideration enables to lead and teach people. I used to be shy when expressing opinions, but speaking in front of 300 people in the latest Model United Nations as a Secretary General was rather a worthwhile experience for me.
Participating in Model United Nations and being a Korean teacher gave me the moment to realize that there are more things I can learn through the real experience than through class.
I want to go to developing countries to nurture children there so that the country can develop itself. I want to attend the *** University to achieve my mission with the degree of elementary education. Also, I want to share culture that I have experienced with not only Americans but also from all over the world. I want to retain the knowledge and character of great professors.
I believe ** ** * * University is the best place that fits into my future career in both experiences and motivation. ** ** * * University life will help me to be a great teacher for growing elementary students.
This is my common application 5th prompt,
"Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family"
Please give me feedback on my essay =))
Mistakes/ feedback/ improvements to be made, etc. anything, please!!^^ THANK YOU!
Minjung, the essay that you wrote does not fall under the prompt that requires you to:
Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
Rather, you have written an essay that responds to the following prompt instead:
Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
My suggestion in this case is that you change the prompt for your common app essay rather than writing a totally new one. That way, we only have to concentrate on finalizing the content, grammar, and spelling of the essay. Please let me know if you would like to just switch the prompt or if you want to write a totally new one. I'll work with you either way :-)
Thank you!! Yeah.. I wasn't sure whether my essay fits into that prompt.. thank you!!!!
I changed the prompt just now =)
Could you please help me to improve my essay? :-)
Here are the corrections I applied to parts of your essay. Please note that I deleted the last part talking about your desire to study at the university because that is a paragraph that does not really relate to the prompt requirements. Always make sure to just deliver what is asked for and nothing more so that the attention of the reviewer is not diverted from your actual response.
I came to northern Thailand six years ago due to the influence of my parents who passed onto me the importance of experiencing a diverse culture. Getting on the airplane that day was a turning point in my life. It was an adventure that found me gaining an interest in sharing different cultures with people ...
After that trip, I decided that I wanted to continue expanding my horizons along the lines of diverse relationships on an international level. So I participated in the Model United Nations. last year. Finding efficient ways to support developing countries was one of the topics. The reality of Thailand - their pitiful problem regarding relatively weak people's rights - ran through my mind.
Most delegates presented material related to supporting causes such as food or financial aid ... However, as I learned from that rural province in Thailand, countries will not be strong for long if we simply give them fish... So I thought of providing them with the tools for self-development, since that is more important than giving temporary support. As the delegate from Laos, I promised to offer programs that nurtured proper schools and teachers for young children. Other delegates applauded me as they realized that limited their point of view with regards to their cases and they did not think further. My opinion was written on the first list of the resolution.
... my experience with the Model United Nations, I began to look at them from a different perspective.
Curious children ask me about the meaning of Korean words written by them on a crumpled yellowish paper... So, I decided to teach Korean to them ain order to help them deal with a global world. Although it was once a week, I assured myself that the lessons will definitely be helpful.
...
... the class was revitalized with enthusiastic participation and soon after, the children possessed an amazing skill when it came to communicating through simple conversations with native Koreans. As the students wanted to show their ability to their parents , we prepared a small show. The adults were surprised at seeing them singing K-pop and reciting Korean poetry.
I know that I learned more from them than they learned from me. So I began teaching with even more dedication because I really wanted to repay their gratitude. By volunteering, I earned the ability to listen carefully and learned that a little consideration enables people to lead and teach other people. .. Model United Nations as a Secretary General was a rather worthwhile experience for me.
Participating in Model United Nations and being a Korean teacher gave me the opportunity to realize that ...
"Onni Annyeong! (Hello, sister!)"
This is what I hear from Thai hill tribe children every weekend. Being a Korean teacher for friendly children is more than exciting. It overwhelms me.
As long as I experienced the reality, indifference will not be accepted.I came to northern Thailand six years ago due to the influence of my parents who passed onto me the importance of experiencing a diverse culture. Getting on the airplane that day was a turning point in my life. It was an adventure that found me gaining an interest in sharing different cultures with people and listening attentively to them.
After that trip, I decided that I wanted to continue expanding my horizons along the lines of diverse relationships on an international level. So I participated in the Model United Nations. last year. Finding efficient ways to support developing countries was one of the topics. The reality of Thailand - their pitiful problem regarding relatively weak people's rights - ran through my mind.
Most delegates presented material related to supporting causes such as food or financial aid ... However, as I learned from that rural province in Thailand, countries will not be strong for long if we simply give them fish. So I thought of providing them with the tools for self-development, since that is more important than giving temporary support. As the delegate from Laos, I promised to offer programs that nurtured proper schools and teachers for young children. Other delegates applauded me as they realized that limited their point of view with regards to their cases and they did not think further. My opinion was written on the first list of the resolution.
Whenever I go to see Thai hill tribe children after my experience with the Model United Nations, I began to look at them from a different perspective.
Curious children ask me about the meaning of Korean words written by them on a crumpled yellowish paper. I used to carelessly end the conversation, but I thought systematic education makes the children the leaders of the country. So, I decided to teach Korean to them in order to help them deal with a global world. Although it was once a week, I assured myself that the lessons will definitely be helpful.
Teaching someone was not an easy task. However, I noticed that reflecting children's opinions and adjusting my teaching method, or sympathy and interaction is what makes the class more energetic and interactive. Rewards, Q&A time, competition, using media, etc,. were the key to engage students.
With my realization, the class was revitalized with enthusiastic participation and soon after, the children possessed an amazing skill when it came to communicating through simple conversations with native Koreans. As the students wanted to show their ability to their parents , we prepared a small show. The adults were surprised at seeing them singing K-pop and reciting Korean poetry and gave me a cute doll made by them.
Yet, I know that I learned more from them than they learned from me. So I began teaching with even more dedication because I really wanted to repay their gratitude. By volunteering, I earned the ability to listen carefully and learned that a little consideration enables people to lead and teach other people. I used to be shy when expressing opinions, but speaking in front of 300 people in the latest Model United Nations as a Secretary General was rather a worthwhile experience for me.
Participating in Model United Nations and being a Korean teacher gave me the opportunity to realize that there are more things I can learn through the real experience than through class.
I want to go to developing countries to nurture children there so that the country can develop itself. I want to attend the *** University to achieve my mission with the degree of elementary education. Also, I want to share culture that I have experienced with not only Americans but also from all over the world. I want to retain the knowledge and character of great professors.
I believe ** ** * * University is the best place that fits into my future career in both experiences and motivation. ** ** * * University life will help me to be a great teacher for growing elementary students.
This is the edited essay, but I am not sure if I should include the last two paragraphs in the essay. Should I? or should I not? If not, how do I show that I want to study elementary education in the university?
word count is now 701... which in fact, should be less than 650, but if I take the last two paragraphs, it becomes 600.
What should I do?
Thank you for your help!!! =D
I thought you understood me when I first told you that you do not need the last 2 paragraphs of your essay anymore. It should not be included because you are trying to justify your reasons for wanting to enroll in this particular university, which is not required by the prompt. Just provide the information that the prompt is asking for and nothing more. The reason that your essay is over the word count is because of the inclusion of your plea for admission. So just remove that part and your essay will meet the word count.
Remember, you have to remove all the sentences that are part of the following paragraph:
I want to go to developing countries to nurture children there so that the country can develop itself.
Also remove the paragraph that says :
I believe ** ** * * University is the best place that fits into my future career in both experiences and motivation
That should fix the problem immediately.
Thanks @vangiespen !
Is there any way that it could be better in the content? =)
Hi Minjung, here is a 441 word version of your essay. It more than covers all the necessary information and should be usable in this format. Don't change or add anything without telling me first. It might affect the overall message of the essay. I already finalized the presentation and content for you :-)
"Onni Annyeong! (Hello, sister!)"
This is what I heard from Thai hill tribe children every weekend. Being a Korean teacher for friendly children was more than exciting. It overwhelmed me.
I came to northern Thailand six years ago due to the influence of my parents who passed onto me the importance of experiencing a diverse culture. Getting on the airplane that day was a turning point in my life. It was an adventure that led me to an interest in sharing different cultures with people and ;earning by listening attentively to them.
After that trip, I decided that I wanted to continue expanding my horizons along the lines of diverse relationships on an international level. So I participated in the Model United Nations last year. Finding efficient ways to support developing countries was one of the topics. The reality of my experience in Thailand - their pitiful problem regarding relatively weak people's rights - ran through my mind.
I learned from that experience that countries will not become strong if we simply give them fish. So I thought of providing them with the tools for self-development, since that is more important than giving temporary support. As the delegate from Laos, I promised to offer programs that nurtured proper schools and teachers for young children. My opinion was written on the first list of the resolution due to its impressive stand on a situation and creative suggestions to solving the problem.
Whenever I go to see Thai hill tribe children after my experience with the Model United Nations, I started looking at them from a different perspective.
I used to write in Korean characters on paper when I was in Thaliand, this brought out the curiosity in the kids. Their questions led me to teach them how to speak and write in simple Korean in order to help them deal with a global world.
I began to notice that by reflecting children's opinions and adjusting my teaching method, made the class more energetic and interactive. Rewards, Q&A time, competition, using media, etc,. were the key to engaging the students in a learning environment.
Soon after, the children possessed an amazing skill when it came to communicating through simple conversations with native Koreans. Yet, I know that I learned more from them than they learned from me. By volunteering, I earned the ability to listen carefully and learned that a little consideration enables people to lead and teach other people.
Participating in the Model United Nations and being a Korean teacher in Thailand gave me the opportunity to realize that there are more things I can learn through actual experience than through class.
